R&R
by Jade5233
Summary: Kimbri Shepard is forced into R&R time post ME2. She works on her issues with Kaidan. Read Re: About Horizon first. Contains angst, dialogue & sensual content. Shenko.
1. Chapter 1:  On Ice

Note: BioWare owns all of the toys, we just like to play with them. Especially Kaidan.

Warning: This story chiefly consists of fluff, angst and sensual content without much real plot. Read at your own risk. :p

A big thank you to Sialater who was kind enough to agree to beta this for me. Your help is very much appreciated. :)

Note on "mood music": I will be including before each chapter a song or two from Kimbri's music player on the _Normandy_ that she felt went along with those particular moments.

Mood Music: "Tomorrow" by SR 71

* * *

On Ice

Shepard sat on the edge of the bed in med bay, hands on her knees, her eyes picking out a spot on the floor. In the days that followed the battle on the Collector's base, she couldn't help but notice it when she looked in the mirror. She never really considered herself a coward before, but she was afraid to look up at the doctor. She guessed it was because she knew what the medical officer was going to say. Kimbri just didn't want to face it. But Commander Frakking Shepard didn't get this far in life by taking the easy route. Shepard looked up into Dr. Chakwas's steely eyes, "Give it to me straight, Doc."

"Shepard, I'm afraid that your implants and grafts are undergoing degeneration due to the unusual amounts of stress you've place upon yourself over the past several weeks."

Kimbri shrugged, wincing a little since she forgot how sore her shoulders muscles had become after the beating she had received in that last battle. "So I use this thing again," she pointed her thumb behind her at the dermal regeneration instrument Chakwas had installed, "What's the big deal?"

Dr. Chakwas looked steadily into her Commander's eyes, which Kimbri knew now showed telltale signs of a red glow behind the irises. "The difference is that it was designed for _cosmetic _changes in your appearance. Not to stop wholesale apoptosis of your tissues."

Kimbri lowered her blonde eyebrows and scrunched them together over her blue eyes. "You lost me, Doc. Could you speak English?"

The doctor turned and started pacing, like an instructor talking to her class. "Apoptosis. Programmed cell death. The healing process of your body upon your…resurrection was never complete in the first place. Your body hasn't had a break since that time. You awoke to battle. You charged into several missions, guns and biotics blazing over and _over._ Even on this ship you had to break up fights. You don't sleep properly. I know about the nightmares, Commander." Chakwas turned to look at her patient, her eyes holding compassion. She placed a hand lightly on Shepard's shoulder. "And don't try to tell me that your run-in with Commander Alenko hasn't added to your burdens, Kimbri."

The Commander jerked out from the doctor's touch, her back turned. "I'm fine. And that's _none_ of your business," Shepard growled.

The doctor stepped quickly, pivoting to stand directly in front of her. "Like hell it isn't. Anything that jeopardizes your health _is,_ by definition, my business." Chakwas appeared for a moment to carefully consider her wisdom in antagonizing Shepard who was, after all, a biotic. The doctor's expression of consternation grew as the edges of the commander's skin glowed a faint blue. Kimbri closed her eyes, mentally pulling in the reins on her temper before the doctor herself would require medical intervention. She may be angry but she didn't want to hurt her friend. Shepard took a deep breath and let it out, feeling a slight release of the tension in her body.

When Shepard opened her eyes, the blue aura had faded and her eyes were a deep blue rather than the stony blue that usually went with her "Commander" persona. "I can't do anything to fix that now. I sent him a message before going through the Omega-4 Relay. There's been no reply. Besides, I have more important things to worry about. Like the Reapers coming."

"I hope you weren't too hard on the man, Kimbri," the doctor gave Shepard a searching look, "or on yourself." Chakwas sighed at the stubborn expression on the CO's face and changed tacts. "Shepard, it took Cerberus 2 years to rebuild you and you're bound and determine to cause your body to completely break down in less than 2 months out of sheer pigheadedness."

Shepard's eyes widened. "It's that bad?"

The doctor nodded solemnly. "I'm afraid so, Commander. We're going to have to take some drastic measures or you won't be in any shape to fight the Reapers. And we _need_ you in top form, Shepard."

Kimbri took another deep breath and let it out, resigned. "Okay, Doc. So what'll it be? Extensive reconstructive surgery? Immersion therapy in medigel? Do I have to go to a special clinic? What?"

Doctor Chakwas looked directly into Shepard's eyes. "We'll start with the immersion, yes. Then we'll try the regeneration again." Shepard was nodding in agreement until, "And then you have to take some time off."

"I-_what_?" Kimbri's expression was one of pure incredulity. The doctor's look of suppressed amusement at Shepard's shock didn't help the younger woman to control her temper. Despite this, however, she could tell that her chief medical officer was dead serious.

"You heard me, Shepard."

Kimbri's "Commander" persona slammed into place. "Absolutely _not_."She jumped down off of the gurney and began pacing the room. "We have too much work to do. I have to return to the Citadel, talk to the Council. Work things out with Anderson…" she paused, tallying her list in her head. "You'll just have to make do with what can be done while on the _Normandy_ between errands."

The doctor's body relaxed, but her facial muscles tightened, her lips a thin line, and her eyes went icy. "EDI, please make an official report. Commander Kimbri Shepard is officially relieved of all duties for the next two weeks. She is medically unfit for duty until further notice. Please commence lock down of all secured ship functions for her account minus access to her quarters."

Blue light flashed in the room. "You have _no right_ to do this, Chakwas!"

The doctor remained calm. "EDI?"

A blue orb popped up from the alcove in the wall. "Doctor Chakwas has the authorization to suspend any member of the team or crew from duty provided it is for a medical reason. Who do you name as your acting CO, Shepard?"

Kimbri's shoulders slumped a bit. She didn't miss that the AI had neglected to use her title. She wasn't going to be able to bully her way through this one. _But perhaps with a little persuasion… _"Doctor, I respect your opinion. And I certainly don't want to put the remainder of our mission at risk. But I have things that I have to do at the Citadel. I have to report to the Council. Perhaps they will finally see reason…"

"No, Commander. That won't happen—not yet. This ship is still barely operable from our attack on the Collectors. It won't make it to the Citadel. We'll have to make port at Ilium. Liara has agreed to arrange for repairs to be made. Joker has informed me that this will likely take at least two weeks. Hence the furlough that I have prescribed." She went to her desk and made a few keystrokes. "In fact, I have the perfect place for you. On Eden Prime. She turned back to Shepard with a sad but ironic look. "It was going to be my retirement home, actually—after I decided that I could no longer work for the Alliance and before Cerberus contacted me."

Shepard opened her mouth to protest, but Chakwas placed a finger over her lips. Her eyes displayed a rare depth of warmth and friendship that was unusual for the older woman. "I insist. Use it well, My Dear." With that, she bodily turned Kimbri and gave her a gentle shove toward the door.

When the _whoosh _of air from the closed door announced that the room was secure, she hit the intercom. Kimbri could still hear the doctor's voice through the door. "Joker?"

"Yes, Ma'am?"

"Is everything set for Shepard's R&R?"

"Ten-Four, Doctor."

Kimbri heard the sound of the doctor falling into her chair by the desk, "Excellent."

* * *

Mood music for Chapter 2: "Never Surrender" by Skillet


	2. Chapter 2:  Uninvited Guest

Disclaimer: BioWare owns all. I just like that they allow us to borrow their toys.

Thanks again to Sia and Brodyaha who are kind enough to beta for me.

These early chapters are brief ones. But they will get longer after the stage is set. Brodyaha did help me to make this one a little more filled out.

Mood music: "Never Surrender" by Skillet

* * *

Uninvited Guest

Kimbri fired up her omni tool and keyed in the pass code that Doctor Chakwas had given her to the little bungalow on the beach. It felt odd to be on Eden Prime once again. There were so many memories here—Jenkins…Ash. And this is where she started to get to know her lieutenant. _Better not to think about that. Chakwas told you that you need _happy _thoughts and relaxation._

_

* * *

_

"_I mean it now, Shepard," the doctor chided. "You are to _rest. _Requisitions for and repairs of the _Normandy_ have been handed over to Miranda, as has been the writing of the ship's logs. Your account on such matters has been locked out by EDI and authorization has been transferred to Miranda." Kimbri's eyes narrowed at the reminder of her enforced uselessness on board her own damn ship. "Temporarily," Chakwas added hurredly. _

_The doctor took a breath and continued. "EDI has transferred all security authorizations over to Garrus." Shepard opened her mouth to comment, but Chakwas interrupted, "You know as well as I do that he was a good C-sec officer, even if he did have a problem with following protocol. However, as you yourself have noted, sometimes regulations need to give way to practical considerations. Garrus's time on Omega proved quite well that his brand of leadership is effective, even if it is a little unorthodox by military standards." The doctor rested a hand on Kimbri's shoulder, looking steadily into the younger woman's eyes. "I hope that you know that also know that Joker, Tali, and I are also available and will help your XO and your Chief Security Officer with whatever is necessary while you are away."_

_Kimbri sorely wanted to debate this further—to bully her CMO into changing her mind. But she was restrained by two considerations. The first was that Chakwas was even more strong-willed than she herself, if that was possible. The second was that the doctor had summoned a handful of marines to ensure that Shepard's transfer from the _Normandy_ to the shuttle bound for Eden Prime was uneventful. The commander's shoulders fell minutely in defeat. She turned to go, but felt Chakwas tap her on the arm. Kimbri returned her attention to the older woman. _

"_Remember, Shepard. The medigel immersion therapy and the dermal regeneration are only temporizing measures. Cosmetic." Chakwas' eyes showed the concern that she had for her commanding officer and friend. "You have been through a lot in the past two and a half years, Shepard. You need quiet and rest to come to terms with all of it. If you don't, I'm afraid that the apoptosis will continue until you go into multi system organ failure. You likely wouldn't be around long enough to face the Reapers." The doctor took a deep breath. "But, if you are able to relax and trust your friends to care for the _Normandy_ while you care for your mental and physical health, I believe that the condition will reverse itself."_

"_But what if—" Kimbri began._

_Chakwas looked sternly at her. "Only in the case of Reaper attack will your presence be needed, Commander. Otherwise, consider the mission that I am giving you of top priority."_

_

* * *

_

As Kimbri walked through the house opening windows to let in some fresh air, she couldn't help but notice the décor. It was in warm tones with a tropical theme. Definitely _not_ Chakwas' style. She realized that it was quite likely that the woman had never even been to this place—that she did what all "good" soldiers did. She put off her own dreams, goals, and desires for the furthering of the greater good until it was too late. Hadn't she herself done that with Kaidan? They had given in for that one perfect night but then had to return to suppressing everything that made them human so that they could be good little soldiers-good little pawns for the Alliance and the Citadel to move around in their galactic game of chess.

Shepard let out a sigh. _No wonder I don't take more leave, _she thought. _You have nothing but free time on your hands for the next 2 weeks—time to think about all the things you _don't_ want to think about._ She walked into the larger of the two bedrooms and was surprised to find that they each had an attached bathroom. She threw her bag down on the bed and started to put her things into drawers.

With her belongings put away, she decided to continue to explore what was left of the house. The bathroom in the first room had a large Jacuzzi tub and a larger than normal shower with a seat in it. When she opened the cabinet, she was surprised to find a variety of pain relievers from NSAIDs to narcotics. Kimbri presumed they were for her remaining bumps and bruises from the Collector base. She closed the mirrored cabinet and looked at her reflection. _Better, _she thought, although she didn't like the trace of red that lingered behind the blue irises and the faint glowing criss-crosses on her cheeks. She sighed. _That's why I'm here, right? Because if it looks this bad on the outside, which has been treated a couple of times, the damage is one hundred times worse under the skin._

She walked through the living room and opened the old-fashioned French doors onto a deck that gracefully descended to the ocean. The breeze was warm and held the fragrance of summer blossoms. Shepard wasn't sure of the type of flowers since she grew up on frigates and other vessels in the cold vacuum of space. She grabbed a towel, peeled off her long sleeved shirt and left the garment on the couch before stepping out onto the deck. _I'm on vacation after all. I might as well start trying to enjoy myself. _Shekicked off her boots at the edge of the deck along with her socks. The beach was private—no neighbors for miles, so about half way down the beach she removed her tank top and ACU pants. Kimbri didn't have her bathing suit on, but no one was here to care if she just wore her underwear instead.

Shepard stepped into the waves lapping upon the sandy beach, enjoying the simple pleasure of digging her toes into the warm sand. She stood there for a while enjoying the roar of the waves and the salty air. When she looked at the water, however, she noticed how the waves churned the sand into the surf and reconsidered her swimming attire. She walked to a nearby rock and placed the bra and panties upon it, then sprinted toward the water and dove in. She had braced herself for it to be cool, but it was similar in temperature to the air—just right. For once, the Commander was able to drop all formality and gave into the urge to simply enjoy herself as she lost track of the time she spent splashing and playing out in the waves.

* * *

The man approached the door uncertainly. His instructions were to use the codes that had been sent, without waiting for an invitation. He briefly scoped out the various rooms as he moved through the bungalow, looking for signs of the occupant to whom he was assigned. He spied the camo shirt on the couch and followed the trail of clothing that lead to the beach.

He stood straight and tall, enraptured by the sight of the water nymph who was completely ignorant of his arrival. The sun was touching the ocean-filled horizon-turning the sky shades of red, pink, and purple when the woman stood up giving him a full view of every inch of her toned body. His sharp intake of breath alerted Shepard to his presence. She turned, lashing out with a flash of blue energy toward the intruder.

* * *

Mood music for Chapter 3: "The Name of the Game" by Abba


	3. Chapter 3:  Messages

Disclaimer: BioWare owns all of the toys. I'm just borrowing them.

If you haven't read _Re: About Horizon..._ you may wish to do so since it is referenced in this chapter, but you won't get lost if you haven't either. Just know that before going through the Omega-4 Relay, Kimbri sent a message back to Kaidan.

Thanks again to my betas: Sia, who catches all of the stupid mistakes that I miss, and to Brodyaha who helps me to flesh out what I am trying to say.

Mood Music: "The Name of the Game" by Abba

* * *

Messages

The man's aura flared as he dodged, the blue ball of energy rebounding off of his barrier and splintering the tree behind him. If he wasn't a biotic himself, he wouldn't have stood a chance. "Shepard! What the hell? Stand down!" a deep, raspy voice called out to her.

Kimbri treaded water, furious at being forced to retreat due to her state of attire. "Alenko! What the frak are you doing here?" She was instantly regretful of her harshness when she saw the look of pained confusion on his face. _Great job, Shepard! Way to frak up another conversation with your former lover within seconds of seeing him—yet again._

He looked at her askance, his dark eyebrows drawing together, "I got your message."

Her message. The heartfelt letter of apology and explanation of everything from the time the Normandy was attacked to going through the Omega-4 relay. She had negotiated an agreement with EDI to send it without going through Miranda or Chambers directly prior to jumping through the relay. She felt herself relax and a teasing smile spread across her lips. "So when did you go from soldier to stalker, Alenko?"

She had hoped that her change in tone and tact would elicit a similar change in him. But he stood in the same straight-backed military posture as before. "Time and place of the meeting were forwarded to my omni tool with the message that you sent, ma'am."

It took a moment for her to register his words. The waning light of the sunset had caught his eyes, showing off the honey tones beneath the deep brown. She had always loved that about his eyes and they were distracting. "Wait. What message are you talking about? The message I sent before the Omega relay didn't have any time or coordinates. They couldn't have. I didn't know when or if I was coming back."

"Oh…um…_that_ message. Right." _Is he blushing? What does _that_ mean?_ He shifted his weight slightly. "Actually, I was talking about the one that you sent five days ago—the one about you needing to meet with me officially about some intel that you had for the Alliance. Anderson sent me meet with you, retrieve the intel and to return with details of your mission."

She took a step toward him, her head tilted, "Five days ago?" He didn't respond, but there was a faint crackle of blue dancing over his skin as his gaze drifted downward. His biotic reaction and shift in attention made her aware that she had unconsciously moved closer to Alenko as she talked to him. The water no longer covered…everything. _Well, that answers if he still finds me attractive. _She took a step back again into the deeper water and snapped her fingers twice. "Hey! Alenko. Eyes up, soldier." His head tilted up a few degrees but his eyes still seemed a bit dazed. "Aw, forget it," Shepard mumbled. "Kaidan, would you mind throwing me my towel? I wasn't exactly expecting company."

His brown eyes focused on her again. "Yes," he then dipped his head to one side one side of his mouth pulling up roguishly, "ma'am." He turned his back to her and headed back toward the rock with the towel. She was glad he did. It gave her a moment to collect herself. That particular phrase and expression always did funny things in the muscles of her lower abdomen. Then she noticed her arms. _Aw hell,_ she thought when she saw the blue aura. With her old L3 implant only the strongest of emotions would trigger her biotic energies. Ever since her…reconstruction it seemed as though her aura was more difficult to control, but she managed through sheer strength of will. Lately, it seemed as though it could escape with almost any emotion, as if her body was having more trouble controlling the mutated neural output. _Damn L5 implant. Damn cell breakdown. I'm going to have a _much_ more difficult time hiding my feelings than on the SR1. _

By the time he had returned with a beach towel, Kimbri had managed to take several deep breaths and her coloring had faded back to normal. He tossed the towel to her, giving it a little extra biotic push, then turned his back like a perfect gentleman. Kaidan Alenko, the perfect soldier, the perfect marine, always in control of himself. _Always in _too much_ control._ She had always loved and hated that about him.

She had also admired his quiet restraint and his dependability as a marine under her command. She had counted on it numerous times to get her through some very rough spots in their missions. But on a personal level, it was immensely frustrating for her. If he was a cautious tactician on the battlefield, he was even more so in personal matters. Breaches in his armor were so few and far between. But in those moments where he actually let her in to see the real Kaidan underneath, it was so worth the work.

Unfortunately, those moments of conversational intimacy were all too brief before his shields slid back into place and he was back to being all business again. It drove her insane at times, especially after Virmire when she _knew_ he had feelings for her more than simple flirtation. By that point his shy, tentative unofficial courtship had completely charmed and disarmed her. Her shields were down. Yet his remained impenetrable except in only the rarest of occasions when they were alone. Frustration over the issue coupled with a mischievous nature lead to Kimbri making various attempts at penetrating that impervious military demeanor of his—things like grabbing his backside when he was bent over his workstation and no one was watching; seeing how far she could run her hand up his thigh under the table before he showed any indication; purposefully bending in front of him during gearing up (or stripping down) to either give him a good view of her cleavage or her backside. Any number of things designed to provoke a reaction from him without drawing too much attention from others.

She knew that some people only saw her as Commander Shepard, ice queen with a quick-flare temper. But it simply wasn't true. _So, okay, the quick-flare temper part is true._ But it was a façade, an armor that she wore over her passionate nature. She used the _Shepard_ armor as much to keep her feelings reigned in as to keep others out.

Kimbri understood that a lot of Kaidan's behavior toward her was due to the regs. She had grown up as a military brat. She knew what havoc allowing hormone-driven behavior upon a ship or within a unit could cause. So she agreed with the regs—to a point. That breaking point to her was when there was something more than a casual relationship—when there were real, deep emotions involved. At that point, all that the regs produced were suppressed passions. And strong emotions with enforced deception were just a recipe for disaster.

Kimbri looked at Kaidan from behind. She used to love that view. But now, ever since Horizon, that view meant him walking away from her, leaving her. She felt a deep ache in her chest, like her genetically re-engineered heart had been ripped out of it. She thought of the message that she had sent to him prior to going through the Omega-4 relay. Kimbri had poured her soul into her reply to his e-mail, opening herself up to him in a way that she hadn't even done that night before Ilos. And now he stood there as if nothing had been said-as if they had been mere acquaintances rather than former lovers. He wasn't here for _her_. He was here for duty. _Always duty first with this man, _she thought bitterly. She had an impulse to make him pay for that—to see what he had passed up.

She wrapped the towel around herself, and then walked up behind him. She put her lips next to his ear so that her breath would tickle the sensitive lobe. "It's good to see you again, Commander," she breathed in her huskiest tone. She then walked past him wearing only the towel—wrapped around her hair.

"Good to see you, too, Shepard," he whispered hoarsely.

* * *

Author Note: I knew before starting on this fic that if I wrote about Kaidan and Kimbri working things out, it would have to be somewhere with a private beach. But it really was this towel gag that was the starting idea for the fic. Hope you enjoyed it. :) Either way, please let me know in the reviews. I would appreciate it.

Mood music for Chapter 4: "Believe" by Skillet and "Let This Go" by Paramore


	4. Chapter 4:  Pauses and Agreement

As always, BioWare owns all of the toys. I just hope that they don't leave some of them broken and/or forgotten in the corner by the end of ME3.

If you haven't read _Re: About Horizon..._ yet, you may want to do so since its contents are referenced in this chapter a couple of times. But its not necessary in order to follow the story, either. ;)

Thanks to Brodyaha for the encouragment in this chapter.

And thanks to Sia who pointed out that people can't read the backstory that's in my head-that I needed to actually write it out. LOL. Without her, I would have taken a left turn and left a lot of you lost. Thanks, Sia. :)

Mood Music: "Believe" by Skillet and "Let This Go" by Paramore

* * *

Uncomfortable Pauses and Tentative Agreement

Shepard felt almost bipolar. The love of her life from whom she had been estranged for the past couple of months was in the other room. She felt giddy at the thought—not an emotion that she was used to or that she felt comfortable with. But it was good to feel happy for once. The past couple of months had been entirely too bleak.

On the other hand, Kaidan was here by mistake. He didn't come here of his own choice. He had been sent here by someone posing as her in a message. She had a sneaky suspicion that she'd find the good doctor and her pilot at the bottom of that barrel. _But he still came, right?_

The shower had felt good and the hot water had helped to settle the nervous fluttering in her stomach. She quickly checked her makeup and hair, then moved into the bedroom to figure out what to wear. It was warm in the house, so she decided upon a white tank top with tiny straps and a built in bra. It appeared modest enough, but she knew that the effects of a cool breeze would not be hidden by the material. Her denim shorts went well with it and fit her nicely, she knew.

She steeled herself, then opened the door, trying to keep her emotions shielded by her mental armor. She padded down the short hall and into the living room in bare feet. Kaidan was sitting with his back to her at the computer desk. He turned, half-startled, "Oh, Shepard. I hope you don't mind," he started gesturing toward the computer. "I just wanted to look at this mystery message on something other than my omni tool."

"Kaidan, we may have some catching up to do, but we've been through too much together to stand on ceremony when it's only us. Please make yourself at home." She shrugged, her mouth turning in a half-smile. "Not my house anyways." He turned back to the monitor and she ambled over to stand behind him. Kimbri caught herself just before automatically placing her hands on his shoulders. _So you'll walk past him naked, but you feel that it's awkward to just touch him? Savior of the Citadel you may be, but you're an idiot, Shepard._ She took a half-step back to resist the temptation to touch him again.

* * *

Kaidan tried to concentrate as he sat in front of the computer. Between feeling the heat of her body behind him and the recent memory of her bare backside he was losing that battle. _Dammit. It was bad enough when I had to follow her on every mission for the old Normandy._ He remembered how at times he would get distracted by following the patterns of the light, form-fitting armor as it wound around her legs and up her thighs to…Well, he always admired the shape of her. _But seeing that angle again without interference from military-grade Kevlar and metal plating…_

He was roused from his revere and redirected to the screen by Shepard's arm as she pointed to the monitor. "See there? This message was dated 5 days ago and 30 minutes prior to the conference I had with Chakwas when she handed me my medical leave papers." Kaidan _wanted_ to make sense of this. But now the scent of her skin assailed him. Vanilla and brown sugar. That was Kimbri's favorite scent—the only bit of feminine foppery that she indulged in. But the scent was linked to a memory—the memory of that mild, sweet scent enveloping him while her body did the same.

"I'm sorry to tell you that you were duped," she told him as she came to perch on the corner of the desk in front of him. "We both were. Chakwas is too straight-up to have planned something like this on her own."

"Joker" they spat out simultaneously.

With the "mystery" solved, Kimbri moved from the desk and plopped herself down on the couch. Kaidan, finally able to focus again, turned off the computer and studied her for a moment. She had her "implacable" mask on. But it didn't fool him for a minute. Her left leg jittered just the slightest bit. She was feeling a bit cornered and, if this was a firefight, she would be running for cover. It was only her steely resolve that kept her out in the open rather than giving into her fight or flight instinct. He knew he'd better break the awkward silence soon or things were going to go downhill quickly.

He stood up and crossed the room to where she sat. "Shepard, I'm sorry for the way I showed up and ambushed you. Helluva way to say hello." He sat on the couch next to her and held out his arms to her.

She eyed him speculatively for a split second before the defensive mask slipped slightly and she leaned forward to rest her head on his shoulder while he wrapped his arms around her. Her nose was close to his neck and she savored the scent of him-a combination of musk, gunmetal and ozone that was uniquely Kaidan. Kimbri closed her eyes and wanted so much to melt into him, to luxuriate in the feel of his warm embrace unrestricted by armor. But she just couldn't allow herself to let her guard down. Her voice was shaky but she tried to cover that with a coy tone when she finally felt she could answer. "What you didn't like how _I _said hello?"

Kaidan pulled away from her only enough to be able to look into her eyes. "What part? The biotic attack or the visual one?" He tried to keep his tone light, but he couldn't help the trace disapproval that crept into it. A stain of crimson crept into her cheeks and he regretted it immediately. "While I wouldn't mind seeing a repeat of the show, Kimbri, I would rather it wasn't as a tactical move to gain the upper hand." He continued in as gentle a tone as he could manage, "I know I was supposed to be the logical one, the problem solver of our little group in the past." He shook his head a little, perplexed. "But the feminine mind isn't exactly linear. Help me out here, Shepard. What am I missing? We figured out the origin of the message easily enough." He shrugged, "We were duped—set up. I don't get it. What's the problem here?"

She couldn't believe he was pushing her to spell it out for him. She slipped out of his arms and crossed the room to the doorframe leading to the back hall. She leaned against it with her arms crossed over her chest. Didn't she already open up everything about herself in the Omega-4 message? He didn't respond to it either by message or when she asked about it earlier in the night.

Her glare from across the room was a little too disconcerting for Kaidan. "You remember that little black rain cloud you used to joke about, Shepard?" He nodded in her direction, "It's over your head this time."

Shepard narrowed her eyes. "What does it matter, Alenko? You think I've been a Cerberus agent all this time. You won't believe anything I have to say anyways. So I don't see the point of continuing with this fraud of a meeting." Kimbri noticed the look of pained shock on his face. She kicked off the wall and started to withdraw to her room before having to suffer the sight of his turned back as he left.

Kaidan stood, took a couple of steps toward the retreating woman. "Shepard, I…" he began hesitantly in a near-whisper. He knew that what happened in this moment would make or break their future chances together. He only had one shot at this. He closed his eyes and steeled himself, his voice more steady. "I know that you aren't with Cerberus, Shepard. I know that what you told me on Horizon was the truth—that you only worked with them because…" Kaidan let out an exasperated sigh. "Because all of your former allies turned their backs on you."

She remained facing away from him, her stance rigid as she concentrated on holding her emotions in check. "I knew that the Alliance wouldn't keep their poster boy in the dark forever if he only _cared_ enough to find out the truth."

Kaidan knew that she was trying to bait him, but he couldn't completely extinguish the rising tide of anger within himself—anger at the Alliance for continually stonewalling in reference to her, at Cerberus for manipulating her, and anger at himself for playing into all of their machinations. His sharp tone reflected his aggravation. "Anderson wouldn't tell me _anything_ about you. So I went to Liara—"

Kimbri whipped around, her eyes blazing with a roiling mixture of hurt and anger. "So you will trust _Liara_, but not me. That's just great." Her eyes turned steely. "Look, you were lured here under false pretenses." She turned her back on him and began to walk down the hallway. She threw her voice back toward him and waved her hand in a dismissive gesture, "You're free to run back to Anderson whenever you please, _Commander_."

"You're not my CO anymore. You can't dismiss me that easily, Shepard," he retorted as he marched after her. "And you're not pushing me into a fight this time to cover up your insecurities, Kimbri." He stood in the hall, his voice raised in an attempt to get her to face him. "What about the message you really sent, huh? Is this your idea of fighting for us?" He saw her shoulders stiffen, then slump. He grabbed her arm gently and spun her around. The tears in her eyes made the blue irises look larger than usual. He gathered her to his chest and gave her support as she finally let her guard down.

"You didn't come here for _me, _Kaidan," she whispered hoarsely. "You came for the Alliance."

His heart ached at the thought that she would seriously believe that this visit would only be a mission to him. But he couldn't really blame her either. Not after Horizon. He placed a kiss on the top of her head and held her tighter. _At least we've got that out of the way now and we can move on, _he thought. "I was coming for you anyways. The message just gave me an easy excuse with the Alliance to take the time off. Chakwas and Joker know us well and they know the Alliance. They set it all up to give us this time together free from any interference—either from outside or from our own bullheaded natures." He tipped her face up toward him. Her eyes were closed, but it didn't matter. He kissed each lid, then followed the trail of tears down her face to her mouth. Her lips parted automatically and his brushed against hers as he whispered, "I love you, Shepard. And I'm not letting anything get between us this time."

"Better not, Alenko" she growled playfully through her tears. Then she pressed him to the wall.

* * *

After enjoying some time in the hallway, Kaidan picked up his former commander and carried her to the couch in the living room. Kimbri gave him big "doe eyes" and pouted her lower lip, then tilted her head in the direction of the bedroom. He let out a sigh and settled onto the couch, pulling her along so that she was cradled against his chest with one arm. He stroked her side with the other hand. "Listen, Shepard, we need to talk." _Oh God, _she thought, _Nothing good ever starts with that phrase._ "Let's just take our time with this, okay? We have a lot to catch up on—the past 2 years, the past couple of weeks, and there are a lot of things I'd like to know about how you became this incredible woman that I met a couple of years ago. I'm just afraid that those things will be set on the back burner if we let sex get in the way already."

Kimbri picked her head up off his chest, her eyes troubled as she touched the glowing scars on her cheek. "Is it that I'm…is it the degen—"

He put a finger over her lips to stay them, then replaced it with a tender kiss. He held her eyes gently with his, but his tone was firm. "Absolutely not. And you'll stop that line of thinking here and now, you got me?" He pulled her head back to his chest and leaned his own back so that it was held up by the arm rest of the couch. "_Believe me_, Shepard. I want you. Dammit! I want you so badly it hurts sometimes." He looked at her with a teasing smile and added, "Literally. Oh! And your little show this evening?" He playfully slapped her behind. "Not helping things." She let out a little squeak of surprise which then turned to a mischievous giggle. Kaidan couldn't help but chuckle. Squeeks and giggles were a good sign.

He took a deep breath to refocus his thoughts. "Part of it I suppose _is_ that night before Ilos. You were right in your letter. It was more than just physical. We had a connection that we had built upon a deep friendship. We had a level of intimacy with each other before we even kissed that many couples never reach, Kimbri." He lifted his head, kissing the top of hers, then tucking her under his chin. "We've had some major setbacks since then. We have some stuff to get through first that may be difficult. I just…I don't want to screw this up by jumping the gun."

Shepard pushed up so she could look into the eyes that she had missed so badly since her resurrection. She shook her head, frustrated. "You always have to be the conservative one, don't you, Alenko." She let out a breath. She knew what he was like when he had his mind set. There wasn't any point in arguing the point. _Doesn't mean I will agree to it, though._ "However, we're also not going to waste this time _alone _together. Two weeks seems like a long time—hell, it's more shore leave than I've had in the past several years put together. But it will go more quickly than you think. Then you're back to being Anderson's right-hand man. And I'm back to the _Normandy_ having to solve not only the galaxy's invasion problem, but also all the petty problems and squabbles of my crew of derelicts and misfits." She heaved a sigh at the depressing thought—especially that they would be separated again.

"Hey!" he said, feeling the negative turn her emotions had taken. He gave her a little shake. "None of that." He gathered her back into his chest. "We'll figure this out, Shepard." He couldn't help his deep intake of breath as her fingers found their way under his shirt, tracing the lines of his stomach and moving up to his chest. "And it had better be soon," he moaned hoarsely before pulling her mouth to his.

* * *

Chapter 5 Mood Music: "I'm Not Okay" by My Chemical Romance; "Ugly Side" by Blue October; "Sever Days of Lonely" by I Nine


	5. Chapter 5:  Nightmares

As always, BioWare owns all.

Thanks to Sialater and to Brodyaha for helping to make my "word doodles" actually coherent. I really appreciate your time and effort.

Mood Music: "I'm Not Okay" by My Chemical Romance; "Ugly Side" by Blue October; "Sever Days of Lonely" by I Nine

* * *

Nightmares

_Flames erupt everywhere. My heart sinks as his pink and white armor disappears behind the escape pod door. I had to send him away. He's safe as long as the enemy doesn't start firing on the escape pods. Gotta help Joker…I put Joker in the pod. An explosion rips me from the pod and knocks the breath from my lungs. I cling to the bulkhead, but am pulled into space. I frantically try to re-secure my suit's seals…losing air. I stop struggling, trying to make peace with death. But peace won't come. Oh Kaidan, I'm so sorry…_

_I wake in pain and confusion. Tubes and instruments are painfully attached to every part of my body…sirens, blasts, confusion…I must find Kaidan…_

_I punch the wall. The interview with Anderson went _nothing_ like I planned—nothing like I'd hoped. He gave me nothing. No help with the Reapers. No information about Kaidan whatsoever…I'm like a hamster in a cage, running in the same damned wheel with no reward…_

_Running, running, running, shoot and keep running. He's got to be here somewhere. He HAS to. No. The Collectors didn't get him. They couldn't have. Is that him? No. Just some colonist. Kaidan's strong. He has his biotics. They won't take him. They _can't_. Please, Kaidan, be here somewhere, be okay…don't leave me…_

_He steps out from behind a stack of crates. He's whole and sound. My heart pounds uncontrollably. I struggle with my breathing to keep it steady—to just keep breathing at the sight of him. He is so handsome in his new armor, not a hair out of place. He speaks glowingly of me, listing off my accomplishments. I love his voice. His eyes catch the light and seem to glow in tones of coffee and caramel. His arms encircle me and even through two sets of armor I can feel the heat of his body and his strength. The scent of him fills my mind—of sweat and battle, ozone and musk. _

"_I loved you," he says. His brows and nose wrinkle in anger and loathing that I've never seen before. He turns away. I stare at his back. My mind screams for him not to leave. But it's like I was bitten by one of those swarm bugs. I can't move. I can't speak. All I can do is watch him angrily leave me…_

* * *

Kaidan was on his feet, his right hand automatically preparing his _lift_ mneumonic after the screaming started, his hands ready to unleash his biotics at the enemy. It took longer for the source to sink in. _Oh, God. Kimbri._ He sprinted out of his bedroom and down the hall to hers. His quick scan of the room as he ran to the bed registered that there weren't any attackers in the house. He tried to grab her thrashing body without harming her. He called her name repeatedly, giving her a little shake as he did so.

After what seemed like an eternity, the screaming subsided and a set of bleary eyes opened by the narrowest slit. "Kaidan?" she said, her voice hoarse and pleading.

"Yes, Kimbri, it's me. I'm here," he soothed, climbing onto the bed and gathered her balled-up form against him. "I'm here," he repeated. She relaxed a bit, and then the body-wracking sobs began-amongst which he could hear his name being repeated over and over. His hands rubbed her in soothing strokes from head to her back, while his voice crooned to her in a deep comforting rumble. He looked up at the ceiling, willing the tears back as his chest tightened spasmodically from the anguish of seeing his strong, brave Shepard like this.

* * *

Kaidan wasn't sure how, but he had managed to doze off some time after the shaking and murmuring stopped. Now Shepard was sprawled on the opposite side of the bed. He rolled onto one elbow and propped himself up. He drank in the sight of her in the dim light that filtered through the window. For so long he had hungered to see her again—just once more. And here she was. Not a ghost, not a memory, but flesh and blood. _His_ Shepard. His eyes traced every line, lingering on the shape and color of her full lips. He had to restrain himself from touching her—from reassuring himself that she was really there next to him. She had had a rough night. It made him feel better about their "no sex" agreement. She needed her sleep rather than him keeping her up all night, again and again proving her substantiality to himself. _Just great,_ he thought as he felt his body respond to that stray thought. Kaidan leaned over and gently brushed her lips with his own, then silently slid off of the bed. He took a few paces in the direction of his room where he would try to get his body to forget that the woman he loved was so near. He sighed. _Or take a cold shower._

Before he could go far, Kimbri flipped over on the bed, stretched a hand out for him and found nothing. She sat up in the bed. "Kaidan?" she choked. "Don't leave."

He turned and knelt next to the bed so that his face on level with her. He stroked her face with both hands. He looked into her worried eyes, "Its okay, Kimbri. I'm only going next door. I'm not leaving."

Rather than seeming to dissipate, the concern in her face only seemed to build. He could see the panic returning. "_Please_ Kaidan. Don't go. Don't leave me again. _Please." _She pleaded with both her voice and her eyes. He climbed back onto the bed and she snuggled down next to him, her face nuzzling his bare chest before settling back into sleep. He wrapped his arms around her.

Kaidan tried not to notice the vanilla and brown sugar scent filling his nose. He tried not to notice the short silk nightgown through which he could feel the contours of her body. He tried not to notice the heat of her body as she pressed against his side and left thigh. And he tried not to think of that night before Ilos.

_It's going to be a long night_…

* * *

Chapter 6 Mood Music: "Don't Wake Me" by Skillet and "Angels or Devils" by Dishwalla


	6. Chapter 6:  About Horizon

Thanks to BioWare to creating our favorite characters and to allowing us to play with them.

Thanks to Sialater and Brodyaha for continuing to make sure that this fic makes sense to people other than myself. And for making it better than it would have been otherwise. I really appreciate your help, ladies. :)

Mood Music: "Don't Wake Me" by Skillet and "Angels or Devils" by Dishwalla

* * *

About Horizon

Shepard awoke feeling more refreshed the next morning than she had in a long while. She stretched, looking around her. It took her a few seconds to remember where she was and the event of the previous afternoon…then the memories of the night hit her. _On no_, she thought to herself, falling back against the pillows and covering her face with her hands. _I didn't. I did _not_ have my nightmare last night. He did _not_ see me in night terror mode._ But Kimbri wasn't good at lying—even to herself. It happened. She wouldn't blame him if he ran screaming from the beach house himself.

She had been having that same nightmare ever since Horizon. Prior to that day, her nightmares only consisted of panicked searching dreams. Only a few people knew about her night terrors—EDI, so therefore Joker, and Doctor Chakwas. She couldn't remember the last night that she had slept well. Luckily her new body didn't need as much sleep as her old one had. But still the wear and tear on the implants was showing. Caffeine and stims could only do so much. _That's why Chakwas sent me here. Or so I thought. _She hated the idea of Kaidan having seen her at her weakest last night. She sighed. There was nothing she could do now but assess the damage. Before she gathered her courage, she felt the bed move and a warm body slide next to hers.

Kaidan's deep soft voice was almost a purr. "Morning, Shepard." She sat up in the bed. "Here. I thought you might need this," he said as he handed her a cup of steaming coffee.

She took a sip. Cream and sugar in just the right proportions. It was hard to believe that he remembered something as trivial as that. She couldn't help the wide smile that broke over her face as she looked over at him. "Thanks, Alenko. You're a sweetheart." His answering smile nearly stopped her heart. She had to look back at her mug.

Kaidan slid an arm around her and kissed her on the cheek. "Helluva night, huh? How are you feeling this morning?"

"Actually it wasn't that bad. I slept pretty well," she replied as she looked up from her coffee.

Kaidan was incredulous. "You've got to be kidding me. That was a _good_ night?" When she didn't respond, he maneuvered to look more directly at her. "What was that, Kimbri?"

She averted her gaze and slid away from him, sitting on the side of the bed, her legs hanging down and her back to him. She placed the coffee mug on the nightstand, then ran her fingers through her tousled hair. "They're just nightmares, Alenko."

He knew that using his last name was her way of warning him to change the subject. But this had to be dealt with. He didn't want to see her go through that every night. He stayed where he was, giving her the space that she seemed to want at the moment. "You wanna talk about it, Shepard?"

"Not really. No."

He kept his tone calm and even. "Alright then. _I'll_ talk about it. I called Chakwas." Her spine stiffened. "Your sleep has been disturbed ever since you were brought back." He braced himself because he didn't want the next part to be true. "But they didn't become these night terrors until…" He cringed. "Until after Horizon. Until I turned my back on you." His voice grew harsh in self-recrimination. "Until you saved my ass yet again. And instead of helping you, I accused you and blew up at you."

Kimbri turned back toward the marine, "Kaidan, stop."

"You have a whole ship full of murderers and reprobates that respected and trusted you enough to follow you into hell itself. You had friends like Garrus, Tali, Liara and even Wrex that went out of their way to help you." His voice was low, growling now. Blue flickers danced on his skin. "And what did I do for you? _Nothing._ Worse than nothing. I gave you nightmares so you could relive that hellish day every time you fall asleep."

Shepard straddled his legs, pinning him to the bed, grabbing his face roughly with both of her hands forcing him to look into her eyes. "You will stop this right now, Soldier," she spat at him in her _commander_ voice. He tried to protest, but her hands on his jaws prevented it. "_No_! No more, Alenko, I mean it!" She let go of his head, put her hands on her hips and watched him closely for his reaction.

He rubbed his jaw for a moment, watching her warily. Then one side of his mouth turned up in the smile he knew she had a hard time resisting. "Is that an order, Lieutenant Commander?" he asked coyly.

"You bet your ass that's an order, Staff Commander Alenko!" she returned in the same tone.

"Yes, Ma'am," he replied as he toppled her over onto her back. He looked down into her blue eyes, stroking her left cheek gently with his thumb, then leaned down and kissed her gently. Shepard grabbed the back of his head, and wound her fingers through the deep waves of his hair. Her tongue twisted with his and Kimbri reveled in the taste of him. Reluctantly, she broke the kiss to catch her breath, her head tipping back. Her breath caught again as she the wet heat of his mouth made its way down her neck, leaving a trail of hypersensitive skin in its wake. A moan escaped her lips and her hands slid from his hair down the hard muscles of his shoulders and back, kneading and exploring as they went. His mouth returned her hers, his breath uneven. Following a mischievous urge, Kimbri's hands slid lower and gripped his firm, muscular butt and pulled his body tightly against her own. She felt satisfaction at his growing male response sandwiched between their bodies.

He broke the kiss, supporting more of his weight on his arms and placing some space between them. He leaned his forehead against Kimbri's, his eyes closed and his voice husky, "Okay Shepard." He took a deep breath. "Okay. Enough for now, I think." He cupped her cheek in his palm, kissed the tip of her nose, then her forehead. He slid from the bed, running a hand through the tight curls of his short hair. He took another steadying breath, then sighed. "Time for a shower, I think." _A cold one, _he added to himself.

* * *

Kimbri scoped out the kitchen while Kaidan was taking a long, cold shower. She couldn't help but smirk. She wasn't too keen on the whole temporary abstinence thing that Kaidan had insisted upon. But found that she was starting to enjoy it. _Not that I don't want to jump him_. _Oh God do I want him! _It was just that Kaidan had to be in such control of himself all of the time. She knew that a great deal of it was due to his regret over Jump Zero, but she suspected that he always had a rather cautious nature. One of these days when the galaxy was safe she'd really like to meet his family and try to learn about some of his formative years—how he became the man he was. _And right now what that man is, is obstinate. _Kimbrihad decided to take an almost masochistic pleasure in discovering where he had carefully constructed those boundaries…and then _push_. Hence, his lengthy time in the shower after their kissing session this morning.

At first, Shepard had been annoyed with the interference in her personal life by her friends and crew, but now she was touched by the level of planning and thoughtfulness that had gone into their little mutiny. When dressing that morning she opened the closet for the first time and found a few garments in her size with the tags still on them. At a glance, Kimbri could place them into one of two categories: tasteful yet sexy nightgowns in silks and satins (_from Chakwas_), versus embarrassing scraps of lace barely held together by elastic and ribbon (_definitely from Joker_). When Kimbri went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator she stared in shock. It was completely stocked with will little packages of biotic portioned meals. They were all neatly labeled with their contents in Gardener's handwriting—enough provisions to feed two hungry biotics for two weeks.

"You know, leaving your mouth open like that just invites things to fly in," a deep raspy voice rumbled from behind her. She snapped her jaw shut and spun around to greet Kaidan, only to have her mouth drop open again. He was standing there in khaki fitted shorts and a white shirt that was completely unbuttoned with the sleeves slightly rolled up. His skin was still flushed from the cold water and droplets of moisture glistened on the bare skin of his chest and abdomen and in the light dusting of dark hair across his chest. Kimbri wanted to help him dry off by running her hands and her tongue over the contours of his body. Shepard fought the urge with some difficulty. He had finished toweling his hair and she simply stared, fascinated by the play of his muscles as he did so. She couldn't help but wonder if he also was playing the little seduction game she had started. But the man truly seemed oblivious to the effect his display was having upon her.

Kimbri mentally shook herself. "Kaidan, look at what they did. They have meals all made up for us for the next two weeks, all in double portions for us!" she exclaimed, still stunned by their friends' thoughtfulness. Kimbri then pointed to one of the labels, "And see this? Gardner made sure that the nutrient balance was just right for active biotics." A second after the words were out of her mouth, she felt the blood rush to her cheeks at the realization that even Gardner expected that Shepard would be engaging in non-battle biotic use on her vacation.

Kaidan walked up behind her, and looked into the refrigerator. "Excellent. Because I'm starving." She could feel the warmth radiating from his skin and the warm air of his breath caressed her earlobe as he spoke, giving her shivers. _Nice shivers._

After breakfast, they reclined on the couch to let the meal digest a bit. Shepard luxuriated in the very odd sensation of being lazy. The Collectors had been thwarted. The Reapers were coming, but had been stalled. Her ship was in dry dock getting completely overhauled. She truly had nothing more pressing to do at the moment other than to become reacquainted with the gorgeous man next to her. She wiggled, snuggling down next to him and nuzzled against the soft dark hair of his chest. "Mmm," she sighed contentedly.

The corners of Kaidan's mouth turn up in a smile. They had never really had this in the past—the extravagance of time and privacy to just _be_ together. Even the night before Ilos was only made of a few moments stolen in secrecy and haste. There had been little to no time for holding afterward. This was a rare moment.

He deeply regretted the fact that he had to disturb this peace. "Shepard, we have to talk."

She slid into a more upright position, her brows knitting, "Uh oh. You do know that's not a good way to start a conversation, right? What's up, Alenko?"

He looked down, rubbing his temples. "It's just…there's this huge elcor in the room. And I can't keep trying to ignore it." He looked up at her again. "I need for us to talk about what happened on Horizon."

Now it was Shepard's turn to look down. "What more can I tell you than what I wrote to you? Other than I'm sorry that it went like that—that we've lost yet more time together. I…"

"No," he interrupted, "that's not…" He groaned, "Shepard, I'm sorry for how I acted on Horizon."

_His biotics had finally counteracted the effect of the Collector swarm bug. He was crouching behind a crate, ready to help whoever was out there and crazy enough to be taking on these creatures. Staying in cover, he peaked around the corner. Shepard! How was that possible? Hadn't he just spent the last 2 years of his life in a stasis every bit as potent as that of the Collector bugs? Actually, that wasn't true. He had felt no pain while held by the swarm bug, but he'd felt a helluva lot of pain ever since Shepard…since the Normandy…_

_He closed his eyes. He warred within himself. So many emotions flooded him at once. But his self-discipline soon re-established itself, allowing him one predominant set of emotions—relief, joy and love at seeing his own personal miracle._

_There was commotion—explosion, a ship taking off in flight and then one of the colonists yelling. Yelling at _her_. He couldn't have that. He stepped out from behind the crate, his eyes locked on her. He was entranced, like he was in one of his many dreams where somehow she returned to him. He opened his mouth and the mantra that his heart had cried for the past 2 years in mourning of her spilled out, "Commander Shepard, captain of the Normandy, the first human Spectre, Savior of the Citadel." Still walking in a type of dream, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her. Her armor was bulkier than her remembered, but otherwise she felt the same, smelled the same. He buried his face in her hair and inhaled deeply as he held her to him, the mild strawberry scent of her hair overwhelming him. The skin of her neck—the mixture of vanilla, post-battle ozone, and sweat that he was so familiar with as belonging to his Shepard—made his heart race as it always had. The warmth of her body radiated through the two sets of armor and he allowed himself a moment longer than he probably should have to just bask in her presence. He couldn't believe it. She was here. She was really here. It wasn't a dream._

_Then it turned into a nightmare, the type from which you don't wake up. "It's been too long, Kaidan. How've you been?" Her voice was cold. Impersonal. Like he had been an old school acquaintance. Like he hadn't been her best friend, her lover. Like he hadn't walked through hell for her, was still walking through hell with the loss of her. Like she didn't even miss him or really care. The world dropped out from under his feet. He struggled to remain standing while his mind reeled. He felt too much to contain, too much to control. And it all spilled out. He didn't have enough strength within him to keep it to himself. Two years of suppressed emotion just poured out of him._

_Pain and rejection._

_Betrayal and anger._

_Disillusionment and disbelief._

_Disappointment and distancing of himself._

_How could she be with Cerberus now, after everything that they witnessed 2 years ago? Was it all some elaborate plot? She said that she was dead, or was that just a cover for her MIA status—that she was an agent for them all along—that she had played them all. That she had played _him_._

_He felt ill. His head throbbed. He wanted nothing more than to get back to his ship, to take a whopping dose of narcotic to make it go away—to make it all go away._

_He turned his back on her. Every step felt like another wound opened up in his chest, his heart screamed at him to return to her. But he was a soldier. A marine, dammit. He wouldn't fall apart—especially not in front of her. His pride wouldn't allow it. He was stronger than that._

_He couldn't quite leave it like that, though. His heart won one small concession. He would leave one small "out." "Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful."_

Kimbri listened in stunned silence as he relived that horrible day. It must really have haunted him. Kaidan was so naturally reserved and self-contained. While he was speaking, she reclined and cradled his head against her chest, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist. She stroked his face and hair, wrapping her other arm around him tightly while he recited his account of that day. Her heart twisted in agony for him when she felt a drop of moisture hit where the low neckline of her tank bared her skin.

When he was quiet, she said nothing. She let him collect himself. "It took over 24 hours to recover between the migraine and the generous amount of narcotics that I took. I've never abused medication like that. When I sobered up, I tried to get back to work. There was a lot to do with cleaning up what was left of the colony, reports to the Alliance, and returning to the Citadel. But it was hard to concentrate. All of the things that I could have or should have said kept running around in my head. I couldn't think straight.

"So I that evening, I grabbed a bottle of some Antivan brandy that I had previously confiscated from the crew and sat down at my terminal. I didn't really know what to say. Hell. I didn't even know myself how I felt. But I couldn't leave things like they were. You were still alive. I didn't know if I believed anything you had to say, but I couldn't take the chance that they were true and that I just destroyed any hope…" his voice broke.

"Kaidan, shhh," Kimbri crooned. She kissed the top of his head and held her big, strong Alliance marine as tightly as she could, rocking him slightly. "You know, that message you sent meant a lot to me, Kaidan. It might even have saved me."

He sat up and looked at her. "You said that in your reply, too. Did you actually _read_ it? It was a jumbled mess. I don't know if two thoughts or emotions lined up. And that ending, '_When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care,'_" he repeated, mocking himself. "Typical Alenko move, leaving an out for himself." He rested his head in his hands.

Shepard slipped from the couch to the floor in front of him. She gently laid her hand along his cheek, wordlessly requesting eye contact. When he finally looked up at her, she said, "Don't worry about the words, Kaidan. Somehow you put your heart in between those words. I could feel you in them. And though the words themselves were confused, your love and belief in me came through loud and clear." She rested her face to his—foreheads and noses touching. "I love you, Kaidan," she whispered, rubbing the tip of her nose against his. Then she gently tilted her face to gently kiss his soft lips, moistened by his silent tears.

She stood up, grabbing his hands and pulling him to stand. "Enough elcor removal for now. Come on, Alenko. There's sun, sand and fun sand waiting for us."

* * *

Note: The Antivan brandy is a subtle nod to Zevran and to Dragon Age: Origins.

Mood Music for Chapter 7: "Ooh la la" by The Wiseguys; "Wikked Lil' Grrrls" by Esthero; and "Can't Take My Eyes off of You" by Muse

Please leave a review and let me know what you think. :)


	7. Chapter 7:  Fun and Games

As always, Bioware owns all.

Thanks again to Brodyaha and Sialater for being my betas. They make sure that all of what I had in my head to say actually makes it onto the page.

Mood Music: "Ooh la la" by The Wiseguys; "Wikked Lil' Grrrls" by Esthero; and "Can't Take My Eyes off of You" by Muse

Note: No matter what I do, won't let me center the header stuff. And there's one paragraph that it wants to italicize regardless of how many times I re-upload. So in that paragraph, ignore the italics. Kimbri's thoughts are underlined in that one particular spot. No idea why this is happening. Sorry.

* * *

Fun and Games

Kimbri peeked into the scary closet of lingerie that Chakwas had provided. Yes. She was right. There was a little something with swimsuit material. She pulled the hanger and contents out of the closet. _Something very little, indeed._ It was a metallic blue string bikini. The color had to have been Joker's idea since it matched her armor exactly. Then she looked closer. _Yup. Joker's idea all right._ It was a _thong_ bikini. _I know it's not right to pick on a crippled guy, but I'm soooo gonna kill Joker when I get back to the Normandy!_

She sat on the bed, steeling herself for a moment before donning the scrap of material that didn't quite earn the title of "bathing suit." _Ah well, all the better to push Kaidan's buttons today. _

Shepard threw on a silk summer robe, grabbed a towel and left the bedroom. Kaidan was waiting for her, shirtless and in his swim trunks. She struggled with herself to keep her gaze at eye level. _I'll bet he doesn't even realize how gorgeous he is._

The sun was high off of the horizon and the air was warm with a slight breeze. A few clouds dotted the sky but overall the day was clear and perfect. Shepard couldn't stifle the happy little sigh that escaped her lips. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw one corner of Kaidan's mouth turn up into his lop-sided smile. Her heart flew.

Things seemed…lighter since the talk that morning. It was as if there were lead weights that tethered to the two of them in separate directions. One by one, those were being cut. There were still more to get through, but Kimbri felt more filled with joy, more buoyant that she could remember—well, ever.

Kaidan laid out a couple of beach mats for them. "Here, I brought this for you," he said then handed her a blue tube. Ugh. She hated sun lotion. Usually she didn't have to worry about it since her armor and helmet protected her ghostly skin from the sun. One summer when she was a young teen, she had tried tanning on vacation. It didn't work. All she went home with was a 2nd degree sunburn. After the red faded, she was back to her usual glow-in-the-dark white. She sighed, looking enviously at Kaidan's lovely olive-toned complexion.

Then inspiration hit. She stood for a brief moment looking at the surf and the sand, her back to him. She looked over her shoulder toward him, trying to make her lips pouty. "Kaidan, it was thoughtful of you to bring me the lotion." She batted her lashes a little, hoping she wasn't laying it on too thick. "But I always miss spots on my back. Would you help me?"

"Yeah, sure," he replied, taking in the view of the ocean and only partially paying attention.

Kimbri untied the robe and slowly slid it down her back. His attention immediately was drawn to the little strip tease. Kaidan's brandy colored eyes widened and darkened as the material slipped over her hips to show off the thong style of the back of the suit. She let the robe fall to the mat, then got down on her knees and crawled toward where he was sitting. She turned and gave him a coy little smile, then arched her back and bent backward. He kissed her mouth, his breath a little fast and ragged and blue sparks danced across his eyes. She reluctantly broke the kiss when his hands started sliding forward and down from her shoulders toward the little blue triangles of material in front. She sat up straight, then untied the string around her neck. Holding it in place with one hand, she handed him the lotion with the other.

"Shepard, please. You're killing me," he pleaded under his breath, a hint of a whine in his voice. An impish giggle escaped her lips. The giggle turned into low moans as strong hands massaged the oil into her skin, starting at her shoulders and working their way down to the waist of her scanty bottoms. His breath was hot on her skin as he worked, but still it raised goose bumps.

She retied the top and he moved onto her arms. He kneaded the muscles of her arm all the way down to her hands where he worked each individual finger. She couldn't help but marvel at how sweet he was being despite her obviously mischievous actions.

He got up and walked around in front of her a little awkwardly, trying to divert attention from a growing problem. She wasn't about to let him off of the hook. She reclined, arching slightly again and raised one long slender leg. She ran her foot along his inseam from his ankle, slowly upward and under the hem of his suit. She had about reached tented area of material when he grabbed her foot and moved it to the outside of his hip and then knelt down between her thighs. Kimbri's heart began to race, causing her aura to flare.

Kaidan took more lotion and worked it into her leg from her ankle upward, paying particular attention to her inner thigh with feathery caresses, yet stopping before he reached her buttock. He chuckled when she pouted. Then he repeated the on the other leg. This time when he reached the top, he leaned over toward her cupping each cheek in a hand. He breathed in her ear, "You have no idea how many times I fantasized about grabbing you like this, Shepard, as I watched your little behind wiggle in front of me on _every single_ mission." He leaned closer and she could feel the heat of _him_ pressing against her through the scanty layers of fabric. He nibbled her earlobe. "You drove me wild, Shepard. You still do, now more than ever." She moaned his name as he pressed harder against her, latching his mouth to hers. The kiss was broken when she fell back onto the mat, her head spinning. Kaidan sat back on his heels, smirking at her with lips that held a hint of a blue glow. Kimbri couldn't help the thought of all the wonderful things he could do to her with those biotic lips.

He handed her the tube of lotion, nodding toward her chest. "I'll let you take it from here. I think I need to cool down. It's a bit _hot_ out here." He gave her a wink, then ran into the waves.

_Dammit_ she thought.

_Who was toying with who here?_

_

* * *

_

Shepard lay on the mats for a few moments, willing her biotics and her body to return to her control. She contemplated following him into the water, but then decided against it. Afterall, she had to regain the upper hand again in their little game of hard-to-get. He would have to come to her. As she allowed her muscles to relax, she felt the warmth of the sun on her body, the slight breeze whispering across her skin, and reveled in the scent of ocean in the air. This was nice—the lack of responsibility. Kimbri couldn't remember the last time she felt so at her leisure—decades ago probably. Certainly not since she joined the Alliance. Her lips curled into an unconscious smile.

Shepard heard splashing and propped herself up on her elbows. She watched Kaidan swim for a few moments, admiring his athleticism in the water. _He really is beautiful, _she admired. Kimbri felt rather traitorous, however, for applying such a term to someone so masculine and virile as her Commander Alenko. It was just the lines of him—his straight perfect nose, the dimple in his chin, the width of his shoulders, the hard arc of his pecs, the sharp divisions on his abs, and not forgetting the soft yet firm curve of his buttocks. He was a work of art—a living sculpture on par with Michelangelo's _David_. And he was hers. _As long as I don't screw this up._

Kaidan stood up out of the waves, water cascading down his body. He slicked his dark hair back and then looked over at Kimbri, one brow quirked. He moved through the tide toward the beach. "You gonna laze up there all day, Shepard? Sun screen or no, you'll be as pink as a hanar. And I have plans for you on this vacation that require that I am able to touch that skin of yours." His playful look took on a lustful quality. "A lot."

She didn't move, just enjoying the feel of the sun on her skin. "Mmm…in a minute maybe…"

"Time's up," he teased as he grabbed her and flung her over his shoulder, walking back toward the water.

She screamed, "Kaidan, put me down!"

"Yeah, not gonna happen, Commander," he replied with amusement. Then he gave her mostly bare backside a playful slap. She squealed in surprise and indignation.

She switched to her stern Commander voice. "Alenko! You will put me down. Now!"

"You forget, Shepard. I'm not your subordinate to order around anymore." He punctuated his statement by splashing water up at her.

She squirmed and pounded on his back to no avail. "_Kaidan!"_

"You want down?" he laughed.

"Yes!" she was dangerously close to sounding pouty.

"Fine," and blue flared along his right arm as it raised, palm up. The pneumonic lifted her from his shoulder, then he released the flow of energy, dropping her into the waves. "Down you go!"

The water that enveloped her wasn't cold, but it was still a bit of a shock compared to the warmth of the beach. Kimbri was livid. She gained a foothold then lunged at him, at that smug grin that he wore for besting her. He backed up, still laughing. _He thinks this is funny._ As they got into shallower water, she gained on him and he held her at arm's length. "You…" she growled and lunged again. He dodged, moving into deeper water then turned. He grabbed her by the arms and firmly pulled her against him and planted a kiss on her sputtering mouth. She fought for only a few seconds, then he felt her body go more fluid against him. He broke the kiss. "Asshole," she spat but without her usual zeal.

He smirked at her, raising an eyebrow. "You done now?"

"Not even close, Alenko," she replied softly, her fingers winding through his hair and pulling his mouth back to hers. The buoyancy of the water allowed her to easily wrap her legs around his waist.

"You keep this up, Shepard, and I'll have no choice but to spank you," he teased his voice growing husky.

A mischievous look transformed her features. "You'll have to catch me first." And she pushed off of him, slipping into the water.

* * *

The two marines lounged on the beach after their impromptu game of tag in the water. Kimbri dozed on the mat. Kaidan sat with his arms draped over his knees, watching and listening to the tide, in quiet contemplation. Who was this woman on the mat next to him? Ever since he had met Shepard, he knew her to be serious, dedicated, and deadly. At times it seemed like she carried the weight of the galaxy on her narrow shoulders. Who was the person he had just spent the last hour with? This person was new to him. She was playful and carefree, caught up in moment. She had squealed and she had _giggled_ for heaven's sake! Had anyone ever heard those sounds come out of Shepard? Perhaps when she had been a child? But maybe not. He knew that she had basically been an army brat, like he was. But both of her parents had served. He had heard stories about her mother. He doubted that fun and games had been in plentiful supply in her childhood—not at home at least.

In all his time serving with her, and with the few stolen moments that they had found while on the SR1, he had never glimpsed this side of Shepard. He liked it. He himself sometimes felt bound by his own cautious, reserved nature. Somehow this afternoon Kimbri had released something more childlike, more carefree in him as well.

Kaidan decided on a new mission for himself after this short reprieve from duty: he would find some way to occasionally help Kimbri to ditch "Commander Shepard" and find this part of herself again.

* * *

It was closer to dinner than lunch and Kimbri was starving so she figured that Kaidan had to be as well. They gathered up the beach mats and towels and headed up toward the house in a companionable silence, just happy to be near each other. They tucked the items away on the deck, then Kimbri looked at her legs despairingly. "Ugh, we'll never get all of this sand off. We'll track it all over Chakwas's house." She took her towel and brushed at her sand-covered legs to the best of her ability, Kaidan following suit. "It's no use. We'll just have to go straight to the shower." She reached up, kissed him, then led him by both hands into the house. When they were in the doorway to the foyer, Shepard twined her arms around his neck. "You could join me if you want. I could help you get _all_ the sand off." She pulled her mouth down to hers before he could respond. Her hands slid down his shoulders and over his chest. Her fingers ran through the soft hair as the travelled down, lingering briefly to rub over his nipples, then continued further over his abs. The found his "happy trail," followed it to the waistband of his trunks. She gently pulled him backward toward the bathroom. When her feet hit tile, she stopped and pressed her overheated body against his, loving the contact of so much skin. His hands travelled down her back to cup her cheeks, which pulled her pelvis firmly against his. His body's instant response caused her to gasp. She looked longingly into brown eyes that were almost black with wanting, but also resolute. She wrenched her gaze from his, stepping away from him. "Not this time, then" she pouted teasingly, trying not to feel disappointed. She turned into the bathroom, kicked the door with her foot and started undressing not realizing that the door wasn't fully closed.

Kaidan stood entranced for a moment, mentally kicking himself for his attempts at being a gentleman that currently weren't being appreciated by either party.

_I need a cold shower—again._

_

* * *

_

__

Kimbri fixed her hair in the mirror feeling refreshed and happy after a rather enjoyable day with her previously long-lost-boyfriend. _Well, I supposed I really was the one that was long-lost, not him._ That thought, however, brought her back to the thinking about the degeneration that he body had been going through. When Cerberus brought her back and her scars were healing she really didn't mind them. She wore them like a badge of honor. Even on Horizon with seeing Kaidan again she didn't mind them. They were physical proof of what she had been through—even if he couldn't accept it at the time. She had eventually used the medical equipment that Dr. Chakwas had installed out of..well, fear more than anything. She did it out of a worry that the barely visible scars would make her less attractive to Kaidan.

She looked at her the marks on her cheek. They looked better. The glowing redness under the skin was fading and the wound edges were closing already. The telltale red glint in her eyes also seemed less visible to her. _Chakwas really wasn't just blowing smoke up my backside. This rest thing and positive emotional state does work. Amazing._ But what she found more amazing was that Kaidan hadn't mentioned the scars once. She honestly couldn't remember catching him staring at them or even noticing them. _It seems I've underestimated him._ The thought bothered her. She wondered how much about this man she had missed out by making assumptions about him based on men in general and on what she knew of him from 2 years ago. She decided to be more observant of him.

Kimbri was disgusted by the fashion choices in the closet. _Honestly! Is there anything in there with more than a meter of fabric?_ She rummaged in her drawer and threw on her favorite "relaxing clothes"-a rather threadbare blue-grey tee and sweat shorts that had shrunken over the years but now fit just right. Both had originally been standard Alliance issue, but after long wear, she seriously doubted that either would currently pass inspection. She exited the room in to the short common hall and stopped when she heard a disquieting combinations of sounds. The water in the bathroom was running but under that she could hear Kaidan's voice calling her name. He sounded hoarse? Injured? _Hurting—his migraines!_ She dashed into his room, mentally berating herself for encouraging him to be in the sun all afternoon. She knew that long exposure to bright sunlight could bring them on. And worse, they missed lunch. Hunger could make them worse, too.

She slowed to enter the bathroom quietly, not wanting to make any excess noise that cause further pain. She could tell through the semi-transparent printed curtain that he was standing alright, not in a heap on the floor of the shower. He wasn't rubbing or holding his forehead like he tended to with his migraines. Instead, his hand was…_Oh! _She backed out of the bathroom quickly and more quietly than she entered, her cheeks glowing a bright crimson. _I, umm…think I'll go get dinner ready._ She scampered off to the kitchen to make dinner while he…finished.

* * *

The multicolored hues of sunrise woke Kaidan the next morning. It took him a moment to reorient himself. He looked down as the sleeping woman next to him. Even in her raggedy clothes, she was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. And she looked peaceful. After witnessing the previous night's terrors, he couldn't bear leaving her alone to face those nightmares again last night after dinner. Just being there for her seemed like such small thing to do for her so that she could sleep. The shower last night seemed to help to take the edge off enough so that he could be next to her and just let her sleep. It seemed to have worked, too. There were no terrified screams in the night and Kaidan himself felt like he had slept more soundly than he could remember in the past couple of years. _Of course, how well did I ever sleep in one of those cramped sleeper pods?_

He wanted so badly to gather her up in his arms, to feel her warm alive body against his to reassure him that she was really there and not just a dream. But he didn't want to wake her. He settled for lightly tucking the blonde hair back behind her ear like he had seen her do a million times. He slid out of bed as carefully as possible and moved to the living room. Kaidan logged into the terminal to make sure that Anderson didn't have anything urgent. _Nope. At least he's kept his word about letting me have a little shore leave while on this "mission."_ Hoever, there was one message.

_From Joker. Great._

_

* * *

_

If you are enjoying the story, please leave a review and let me know. :)

Mood Music for Chapter 8: "Terrible Lie" by Nine Inch Nails and "Mr. Brightside" by Killers


	8. Chapter 8:  More Elcor

Disclaimer: BioWare owns all of these fun toys we like to play with

As always, thanks to Brodyaha and SiaLater for making sure that the chapter is the best that I am able to make it.

Mood Music: "Terrible Lie" by Nine Inch Nails and "Mr. Brightside" by Killers

* * *

More Elcor

Kimbri awoke and blearily looked around, disappointed that Kaidan wasn't there. _Was it a dream? At least it wasn't a nightmare. But if it was just a dream, couldn't we at least have had sex?_ Then she noticed the rumpled sheets on the other side of the bed and the pillow that still held an imprint from his head. She smiled and scooted over to that side of the bed, enjoying the lingering warmth and scent that his body had left behind. She stretched and got out of bed. She brushed her teeth and hair and wandered into the living room. Kaidan was on the couch studying something on a datapad. She sat next to him and ran her fingers over his forehead to smooth the lines of concentration. She thought he looked really cute when his attention was so focused. But the tension that was behind those lines could lead to migraines.

* * *

"Credit for your thoughts?"

He sighed. "More Elcor."

Kimbri rolled her eyes. "You've lost me already, Alenko."

He turned the datapad off and leaned his head back, massaging the bridge of his nose. "Shepard, is there anything that I should know about any of your crewmembers on the Normandy?"

She frowned in concentration. "Sure, there's tons that you should know about them before you ever even consider stepping foot aboard my ship. Like, don't wander downstairs in engineering by yourself. Jack doesn't really like company. Actually, just don't go anywhere alone on the Normandy." He opened his mouth in protest but she cut him to the chase, "_Not _that you wouldn't be trusted—just that Chambers can be…quite determined. All it takes is a secluded hallway and about 30 seconds for a male on my ship to become cornered by her. And while I don't entirely trust the little Cerberus chit, she is efficient. So I'd rather not be forced to space her ass for her hitting on you. But I had assumed that the Alliance would have given you dossiers on my people."

Kaidan averted his gaze and shifted his weight uncomfortably but he remained stoically silent. "Talk to me, Kaidan. You know that when you have those storm clouds over your head, it messes with my reception."

He looked directly at her, his eyes stony and his mouth set in a grim expression. "I'm talking about if there's anything I should know about you and the men on your squad."

Kimbri narrowed her eyes, scrutinizing his expression and words. "So…you're accusing me of what, Alenko?"

He stood, walked to an adjacent wall, leaned against it, and crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm not accusing you of anything…yet. I'm giving you an out—a chance to clear this up before it becomes a problem." His voice was low, controlled. But he wasn't able to completely suppress the blue electric flickering around his eyes and his right hand.

She got up and approached slowly, the cautious movements of predator backed into a corner. Her temper was rising as what he was implying was taking form in her mind. "Did you even read the message I wrote to you? Did it sound like someone who was frakking half of her squad?" Her body was humming as her fight-or-flight response stimulated her biotics. "Let me remind you, _Commander,_ that you were the one who did the leaving on Horizon. You were the one that wrote a letter saying that you had started seeing someone else. And you were the one that wrote that you weren't sure if you wanted to pick up our relationship again. Yet I _still _felt like I knew you enough to be able to read your heart through the hurtful words and actions. I poured out my heart to you in that letter, Kaidan." Her voice went low, dangerous. "I'll ask you once more. What are you accusing me of?"

He took a step forward, glaring at her. Cobalt static buzzed between their bodies. He slammed the datapad that he had been studying down onto the table next to her. "Let's just say that I've experienced firsthand how you like to _prepare_ the night before one of your famous suicide missions."

She was stunned for a moment and she was unable to breathe—like she had been hit in the chest with a rocket. She wanted her missing hand cannon…but she was not entirely unarmed. Before Kaidan could raise a proper barrier, a resounding _crack_ of clashing biotic energies vibrated throughout the room. Kimbri grabbed the datapad and marched out of the French doors, leaving in her wake toppled furniture, some broken lamps, and an exact outline of her hand on Kaidan's left cheek.

* * *

Kimbri hoped that the sound of the crashing waves would soothe her soul and spirit. _How could he say those things? How could he believe that I would have EVER cheated on him—even when we were broken up. I was never untrue to him. How could I? Not just that I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't have done that to me—to have betrayed my own heart like that._ This was worse than him believing that she was in league with Cerberus. She wiped the tears from her face with her shirt and opened the files on the datapad.

The first showed her in the armory. She leaned against the table talking to Jacob. She heard her own voice, low and hoarse. Kimbri cringed inwardly. _Right. That was the day after Horizon. I had laryngitis from crying over him for hours._ She recognized parts of the conversation. She couldn't figure out what had bothered Kaidan…_What the hell?_ Jacob had pulled her onto the table and was…pink skin showed beneath dark, both encased in flares of blue as they caused the table to rock back and forth. The datapad fell into a patch of grass as she dropped to her knees and wretched.

When her stomach had settled, Kimbri retrieved the pad with shaking hands. She didn't really want to see what followed, but she had to know what it was that Kaidan had seen. The second vid was in the forward battery with Garrus. Again, she recognized parts of the conversation about his impromptu wrestling with a former colleague. She heard her own voice challenge him to a spar session. But the part about it being a public match and his declining the challenge were missing. Then the scene proceeded to acts that she didn't even know humans and turians were capable of doing together.

She looked at the title of the third file. _Thane._ Of all of the men on the ship, he was the one that would have had any chance with her—in an alternate universe where Kaidan didn't exist. _Although that would be a pretty bleak universe, _she thought miserably. Krios was dark and dangerous—something that part of her recognized that they had in common. And although his belief system was different from hers, he did follow a strict code of morals. Thane had told her about his deceased wife and how he was alive with her. He had indicated that with Shepard he felt alive again for the first time after the passing of his wife. She could empathize. She felt the same way—but when she was with Kaidan. She understood how Thane could drop so easily into being a weapon. She had found herself doing something similar. When in a battle, her tactical side and battle lust would take over. It was wonderful in its anesthetizing effects. When she was in that mode it was just her, her comrades and her enemies. There was no room for the pain of the missing part of her soul.

It wasn't like that before—before her death. As odd as it sounded, battles were almost fun. She and Kaidan tore through buildings destroying every hostile in the area with their pistols and biotics. The sound of his voice telling her, "All clear, Commander," never failed to send shivers of pleasure through her body.

She mentally shook herself. She had one more vid to watch. Kimbri opened the third file and saw Thane in the life support section of the ship. Again, she recognized the conversations, although they seemed spliced together. Thane was talking about his wife, called Kimbri _Siha_, then held her hands. The parts seemed right, but out of context. Then began the visuals that even her Cain wouldn't be able to burn out of her memory.

She turned the device off, still feeling sick. She couldn't really blame Kaidan for his accusations when confronted with this. But those things never happened. Someone had set her up. Unfortunately, technical skills were not her forte. In the past, she had relied on Kaidan for that. He had a way with technical data. He was so logical—usually. Recently, she relied on Garrus or Tali. While Garrus would be interested to know and probably see what footage had been cooked up about him, she couldn't do it. _Just too embarrassing—for both of us._ And Tali? _Hell, that would be like sending my little sister porn. No way._ Then it came to her. EDI. The AI had access to all vid footage on the ship and could likely deduce how Shepard's image had been hacked into those vids. Perhaps she would even be able to trace a data trail to find out the person or persons responsible. Surely, EDI would be able to get to the bottom of this. Kimbri's omni-tool flared to life and she uploaded the data directly to EDI's interface on the Normandy. The hard part was going to be the wait.

* * *

Kaidan sat on the couch, his head in his hands. He could feel it coming on. The pressure that would continue to build in his head. He could take something. 'Chelle had given him a supply of migraine medications before he left the Citadel. But he wanted to feel the pain. Perhaps it would eclipse the pain in his chest and drown out the swirl of awful thoughts in his mind. He knocked back a shot or two of the Antivan brandy. _Compared to how I feel now, the pain of a migraine would be merciful._ Those images! He couldn't get them out of his mind. He didn't consider himself xenophobic. Hell, he'd fantasized about asari women just like any red-blooded human male had. But this? _His_ Shepard sliding down to her knees in front of the drell…And Vakarian? The turian was supposed to be his friend. Dammit! Garrus had been there on Horizon. Couldn't he perceive that there were still strong feelings between Shepard and her former lieutenant despite the raised voices? Maybe Kimbri had turned to Vakarian for comfort after he himself had turned his back on her. Perhaps his message to Shepard had already been too little too late. Then Jacob. That was a double betrayal since he was a Cerberus agent.

It just didn't make sense. It didn't seem like her, which was why it had broadsided him so. Sure, she'd been rather hypersexual since the moment he had arrived. But he figured that it was because…because she wanted him as much as he wanted her. Not because she was a complete and utter…

He groaned and took another swig of the brandy straight from the bottle, dispensing with the glass altogether. How could she write the letter that she wrote after doing all of…that. It just wasn't logical. Shepard wasn't casual about this stuff. She was a born and raised military brat like he was. Military protocols were bred into her. He and Shepard themselves never had more than that one stolen night. Even with the loosened regs on the SR2 he just couldn't imagine her all of the sudden being so laid-back (so to speak) about sex—christening every compartment of the ship with any male available.

_Something isn't right here. There's something that I must be missing._ He stood, a little unsteady between the brandy and the impending migraine. He moved to the terminal and opened an extranet channel to Joker on the Normandy. It pinged twice, then Joker answered with a leering tone. "Hey Alenko. Surprised to hear from you. Didn't think you two'd be coming up for air yet."

"Moreau, _what the hell_ was with you sending those vids?"

"I thought you'd like them. I know I did. Thought that they'd get you in the mood."

"Yeah, well, they didn't. And I'm just lucky that Shepard didn't have her hand cannon or I'd have gotten more than a slap mark on my face."

"Damn, Alenko! I thought you'd have more sense than to show them to the Commander! We already know that she doesn't swing the asari direction because of Liara."

Kaidan massaged the bridge of his nose. "Joker, what does this have to do with asari?"

"I sent you asari porn. You said that you had a thing for that in the past." Joker said in confusion. "What did_ you_ watch?"

Kaidan groaned. "Definintely not that."

"Kaidan, you're doing your silent-scary-angry thing. What did you see?"

Alenko let out a long breath. "Look. Do you have access to security footage on the ship?"

"Oh, hell yeah. Well, except for the Commander's quarters ever since she told TIM to take a hike. She didn't like me...anyways, you should really see some of the stuff that Chambers chick does. It makes fetish sites seem tame. This one time she-"

"Jeff! For God's sake stop! I don't want to hear about it."

"Geez, loosen up a bit, Commander Boy Scout. I'd think you'd be in a better mood after getting—"

"Joker," Kaidan growled, "can you look up time stamped footage or not?"

"Uh, sure. Give 'em to me." Kaidan gave him the date, times and locations from the footage, cringing at the thought of the pilot watching Shepard's sexual encounters.

"So…we have Shepard talking to Jacob in the armory in the first, her talking to Garrus in the forward battery in the second, and her talking to Thane in the third." Joker's tone became cautious. "Um, if I may ask, Commander, is there a problem with her talking to her male crew mates? You're not seriously _that_ jealous, are you? I mean, she gets to know all of her crew—the women too. Even the Ice Queen. That's why they all follow her. Shepard cares."

A ray of hope entered Kaidan's soul. "Talking? That's it? You're sure, Joker? Nothing more?"

"Yeah. I'm looking at the footage right now. Her voice is a little weird in the one with Jacob. Bu…um…right. She was feeling like crap that day…um, sick or something." He changed the subject. "Was there something else that I was supposed to be seeing?"

"No. Thanks, Joker." Kaidan closed the channel. He felt better and worse at the same time. Kimbri hadn't...And what if she had? Could he really say "cheated" even if she _had_ been involved with someone else? It's not like he had any claim on her. He could have made his message clearer. He could have told her he wanted to work things out rather than that giving himself an "out." He liked to think that he would have been fair minded about it. But he wasn't entirely sure that he would have. Not after he grieved for her for over 2 years. He didn't particularly like that revelation about himself.

There was no use dwelling on alternate realities. He had enough problems on his plate. Like having made unsubstantiated accusations and pushing Kimbri away _again._ There also was the fact that some unknown entity out there set him up to take that fall.

* * *

If you are enjoying the story please send me a review and let me know. :D

Chapter 9 Mood Music: "Comatose" by Skillet, "There Was Another Time in My Life" by Reliant K, and "Call on Me" by Janet Jackson


	9. Chapter 9:  Memories

As always, BioWare owns all

And thanks to the two best betas I could ask for, Brodyaha and Sialater. :D

Mood Music: "Comatose" by Skillet, "There Was Another Time in My Life" by Reliant K, and "Call on Me" by Janet Jackson

* * *

Memories

Kimbri stalked back toward the house. She still felt nauseous, but she sure as hell wasn't going to let him see that. _If he's still here. _Her heart gave a pained little throb at the thought. The notion of him having packed his stuff and left, the house empty, was unbearable. _But standing here indecisively won't keep him from leaving either, Shepard._ She squared her shoulders, raised her chin and marched into the house. She peripherally scanned the room. She didn't see anything of his lying about, then again, he was a marine through-and-through. Being messy was likely an alien concept to the man—which was evident by the fact that the room had been straightened up since she left.

She heard some stirrings from the second bedroom and relaxed. _He hasn't left yet._ She didn't really want to confront him. _Besides, I'm hungry_. Even emotional upheaval could only suppress a biotic's appetite for a short time. She grabbed a dish from the fridge, pausing a moment questioning if she should make two. _Frak him. Asshole can make up his own damn plate._ She sat at the counter and ate, expecting that the aroma of the food would bring him out eventually. It didn't. She recycled the containers, then crept toward his room.

The shades were drawn and there was a bottle of brandy on the nightstand. A large figure was huddled in the fetal position on the bed, his arms covering and pressing against his head. Despite everything that had occurred that morning, her resentment was overpowered by the compassion for the man that she loved. "Kaidan!" she called out barely above a whisper.

"Shepard. Dammit, woman, do you have to yell?"

She carefully lowered herself onto the bed, trying not to cause any extra motion. She looked down at him. His hair, usually meticulously gelled back, was tousled, bangs falling into his face. A 5 o'clock shadow ran along his jaw. She would have found that combination pretty hot if he wasn't in so much pain. "Did you take your meds yet?"

"No. Not good with alcohol," he whispered.

_Then why were you drinking, you idiot, _is what she wanted to say, but Shepard uncharacteristically held her tongue. Then she remembered the vids. Her heart sank. He wasn't going to want her helping him. Not after what he thought he saw. She started to rise from the bed, but a hand grabbed her wrist. "Don't go. Was an idiot. Sorry." His pain sounded as though it was more than just physical. "Believe you. Stay. Please."

She lowered herself back down. "What do you need me to do Kaidan?" she asked, her throat feeling thick. She hated seeing him suffer like this.

"Help. Like you used to," he implored, his voice barely above a whisper, and stretched a hand out to her. She took it in both of her own.

* * *

_She sat at Doctor Chakwas's terminal trying to study up on her medic skills. Sadly, that was the one part of her N7 training that she never really took a shine to. Compared to guns and biotics training, shoving needles and injections into people was not much fun. There was one exception—an extra class that she took on pressure points and muscle release that she found interesting. She figured that it actually had some practical application since those same pressure points could be used against an attacker in hand-to-hand combat. It was not really in the spirit of the lessons, but at least it was something._

_She heard the pneumatic doors "whoosh" open and pair of heavy boots stopped behind her crisply. "Commander Shepard."_

"_At ease," she waved dismissively, not looking up from her studies. From the corner of her eye she saw the figure half-limping toward one of the gurneys. He lifted himself up onto the bed, then laid down on his back, his arm guarding his eyes from the light. Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. He was one of the few functioning L2's in existence, but he did get debilitating migraines from time to time as Chakwas had informed her. She got up from her seat and walked toward the man. "Doctor Chakwas is off the ship on leave for a while, Lieutenant. Is there something I can do to help?" She desperately hoped he didn't want meds. Her medication administration skills were sorely lacking—hence the extra study on the doctor's orders._

"_No, thank you, Commander. I'll be fine. Just need to lie down for a moment. Please don't let me disturb what you were doing."_

He doesn't want anyone to make a fuss_, she thought. Chakwas had told her that Alenko was a quiet man and tended to keep to himself. It probably went along with being raised in a military family. Her parents didn't particularly tolerate whining in their household either. But still. In her experience, men in pain unrelated to combat tended to be rather vocal about it._

_She glided quietly to the light panel on the wall to dim the illumination of the room. She was intrigued. She didn't want to be. She knew that allowing herself to be interested was a useless exercise since there were regs against involvement of crew members—especially of superior officers to those under their command. She walked to the window panels and drew the blinds there as well to cut down further on the light coming into the room. She stopped at the side of his gurney. "Are there any meds that you need? I don't know where Chakwas keeps them but-"_

"_No, Commander," he replied, opening his eyes. The light from the small lamp on the desk illuminated those eyes, showing off honey hues within their brown depths. They were soft, kind, sensitive eyes—eyes that held a promise of much more to be discovered below the surface. _

_He felt her eyes on him. "Really, Commander, I'll be fine. This one isn't bad yet. Just…a warning to rest for a few minutes. I save the meds for the bad ones. I don't like how the drugs dull my thought processes. Then I'm not productive for several hours." _

_She liked his voice. Deep. Raspy, almost like purring. She knew that the best thing was probably to leave. He was grown man and had dealt with his headaches for many years. It would probably be good for her to pull herself out of this potential mine field since nothing good could come of it. But she just couldn't get herself to leave. There was just something about the stoic lieutenant that made her want to help him—more than the fact that he was a part of her crew and, therefore, her responsibility._

"_Lieutenant Alenko?" she asked almost inaudibly. He started to lift his head in answer. She put a hand on his shoulder to keep him from getting up. "Would you mind if I tried something? A technique that I learned in training?"_

_His eyes opened again and he looked at her, "I didn't realize that you had medical training, Commander."_

_One corner of her mouth drew up in a self-deprecating manner. "Well, not really. I mean, I was present for a few lessons, but they didn't take. The only thing that stuck was an extra couple of classes in deep tissue massage and pressure points. I thought it might help." _

_He looked uncertain for a moment, but then closed his eyes and relaxed. "Sure. Whatever you think is best, ma'am." She drew up a chair next to him. She sat hesitantly for a moment, then took his right hand. With the palm facing upward, she kneaded the muscles of the thumb and the opposite side of the hand, her thumbs working in circles downward to his fingers. He let out a small moan and she looked up, worried that she was making it worse. But the lines of his face were peaceful, relaxed. The corners of his mouth held a hint of a smile. Her heart gave a little flip. She gazed at him. She couldn't help herself. He just…intrigued her and she didn't know why. He wasn't her usual "type." Tall and dark, yes. However, she usually noticed sparkling blue eyes, fair skin and a cocky attitude. Noticed, but not acted on usually. She wasn't into drama and those pretty boy types tended to introduce unneeded drama into her otherwise orderly life._

_She continued down the palm, working her way to the each finger, stroking down its length to release the slight tensions in the strong hands. She silently moved to the other side, taking his other hand and repeating the procedure. She continued her unobserved study of the Lieutenant. His closed lids were thickly lashed and overshadowed strong cheekbones. His lips were full, inviting. Her own tingled at the thought. She dropped her eyes back to the hand she was stroking. Her gaze travelled to his chest and stomach which were lean and muscled—not always the case for a man in his 30's. The biotics probably helped with that, though._

_She checked the man. He was resting peacefully, but his breathing was not the slow cadence of sleep. She moved to the foot of the bed and started unlacing a boot. He shifted to get up. She stepped forward, placed a hand on his chest and pushed him back again. "Easy there, Soldier."_

"_That's not really necessary, Commander," he commented, red flushing into his cheeks. _Wow. That's quite…adorable.

"_I'm your medic right now, Soldier, not your date. I wouldn't have made it this far in the Alliance if I was squeamish about men's socks. Don't worry about it, Lieutenant." He reclined back onto the table again._

_She removed both boots and socks. She wasn't quite sure what he had been anxious about. She rubbed her thumbs over the ball of the foot and slowly moved toward the heel in similar fashion to how she did the hands. She felt his tensed body go fluid and he let out another satisfied moan._

_When she was done with both feet she cleansed her hands, then moved toward the head of the gurney. She paused, unsure of the best way to do this. When she had learned, the subject put their head on the masseuse's lap. But hell. She didn't know this man well enough to feel comfortable with that. Plus, he was her subordinate. It just wouldn't be proper. So she moved to the end of the gurney and bent over, leaning on her elbows. She placed a thumb and finger on either side of his nasal bridge and gently rubbed for a couple of seconds. Her fingers walked to his forehead, her thumbs stroking over the worry lines there, smoothing them. Then to his temples where she massaged in a circular motion. By this time, his breaths were deep, slow and even. He was asleep, released from his headache. She felt a small feeling of accomplishment. She had helped him. She looked down at the sleeping face, so sweet and almost innocent in its peace. She resisted the urge to kiss him on the forehead as she would have a sleeping child. Instead, she turned off the small lamp on the desk and left the medbay._

* * *

As Shepard reminisced, her hands worked and mimicked those memories. The therapy had worked some. He was no longer in a tight ball on the bed, but he still let out a low groan frequently and his brow was furrowed. She had more work to do yet. She reached around his waist, grabbing the shirt and lifted it upward. Kaidan obliged, helping to remove the garment to give her better access to his back.

* * *

"_My congratulations, Commander," Doctor Chakwas's prim voice chimed. "Lieutenant Alenko said you successfully treated his migraine the other day. And without resorting to meds, too. He was pleased that they weren't required." She gave the younger woman an appraising look. "So what exactly worked for the Lieutenant?"_

_Shepard shrugged. "Just some deep muscle massage and pressure points to his hands, feet, and temples," she replied almost dismissively._

"_Well, we'll have to keep this in mind for future reference. Good work, Commander."_

_In the intervening couple of weeks, Kimbri came to know more about her crew, but found herself most absorbed by the conversations with Alenko. She admired his quiet strength. He had a very pronounced sense of duty and honor. It was refreshing to see in a time when such things were often discounted as "old-fashioned and out-moded." She had learned a little of his early training in BAaT. What was always more interesting with the man was what was left unsaid—what was revealed from the context between the lines of the stories._

_Kimbri was working on the terminal in her quarters. She hated paperwork. Most of the time she handed those details off to Presley. But this report Captain Anderson requested that she do personally. So she was relieved when she was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Come in."_

"_Commander, do you have a moment?" asked the formal voice of the ship doctor._

"_For you? Sure. What do you need?"_

"_Actually, it's Lieutenant Alenko. He's having another migraine—one of his rather debilitating ones. He's being completely unreasonable about being treated. If it were anyone else, I would simply have a marine or two hold him down. But Kaidan is—"_

"_A biotic. Right." _In other words, dangerous, right Doc? Like me?_ She thought uncharitably. "As his CO, he should listen to me."_

_She followed the doctor to the med bay. She had expected to see a struggle ensuing from the doctor's reaction. But the lieutenant was simply in a ball on one of the gurneys. She pulled up a chair to be level with her officer. "Alenko? What's going on? Why won't you let the doctor help you? Why won't you just take the meds?" she asked quietly, concern in her voice._

"_Can't. Won't be up for duty. Arrive at Feros tomorrow" he groaned._

For all of the stubborn…_ "I'll give you leave for a sick day, Alenko. It'll be fine."_

"_There are geth. You'll need tech support."_

"_I can bring Tali. You just worry about getting better," she replied gently._

_He shook his head and groaned again. He pressed his lips together, weighing his options. _Looking for an "out," _she thought. "Try something else? The pressure point thing? Worked last time." Large, earnest brown eyes met hers._

_She tried to keep her voice down, but it was difficult with her frustration level rising. "For frak's sake, Alenko. That probably only worked because it was a mild headache last time. Not one of your full-blown biotic migraines. Be reasonable."_

_He exhaled and closed his eyes. "If it doesn't work I'll take the meds quietly. Please, Commander?"_

_She stood for a moment with her arms across her chest. "Yeah, sure. But you give her any guff when it's time for the meds, I'll come in here and kick your ass. Migraine or no migraine."_

_He almost smiled. "Yes, ma'am."_

_She walked past Chakwas, heading out of the door. "He agreed to the meds if your pressure point treatment doesn't work. He's all yours."_

"_Shepard. I'm afraid it's not that simple. While I know the principles involved, I never had the training for the technique. I'm afraid that will be up to you." Shepard felt as though a fuse was about to blow. And the CMO had noticed. "Or we could just medicate him anyway," Chakwas offered, appearing nervous._

Frak! Anderson is going to hand my ass to me if I don't get that report done. _Kimbri let out her breath. "Fine. _If_ he can be moved to my quarters. I've got work to do while I'm on babysitting duty." A couple of crew members were called and they half-carried Kaidan to the room on the opposite side of the deck._

_In her quarters, she crossed to the desk, looked at what she had written so far. Honestly, it was awful. She sighed and turned to her bunk. Her lieutenant was partially curled in a fetal position. "How's the head, Alenko?" _What kind of stupid question was that?_ she chided herself._

"_Not good. Bed's softer than the gurney. Sleeper pods 're worse. Can't curl up. Real dark here. Nice," he half-slurred._

_She tenderly brushed some stray tendrils of hair away from his face. Then she removed his boots. "No boots in my bed, Lieutenant. That's the rule," she teased. His mouth turned in a small smile before his face scrunched back into line of pain. She started with his feet this time, then moved to his palms. At one point, his hand gave hers a little squeeze and she felt her heart flutter. She was glad for the darkness that camouflaged her blush._

_She slid up to his head and gently picked it up to lay it in her lap and set to work. This time she couldn't help her fingers occasionally straying to explore the angle of his cheekbones, his jaw, to caress his brows—but all with the same circular strokes as she had used on his temples and forehead. She ran her fingers through his hair and massaged his scalp. A soft moan rumbled deep in his throat._

_His eyes opened and met hers with a dazed, dreamy quality. Definitely not clear, but no longer agonized either. "How are you feeling, Kaidan?"_

"_Better, but it still hurts." He sighed, closing his eyes. "You tried. I appreciate it, Shepard. Thanks. I guess you can have Chakwas give me the meds now."_

"_Perhaps not yet. Where's your pain now?"_

_He weakly rubbed over his forehead. "A little band-like here. But most of it is pulling back here," he stated as he pointed to the back of his head._

"_Are you well enough to sit?"_

"_I can try," he answered and pushed himself up into a sitting position, swinging his legs over the edge of the bunk. He nodded his head. "Yeah. This is okay, I think."_

_She sat on the bunk beside him. "Look down, soldier." She put her thumbs on either side of his spine and made circles trailing down his vertebra on each side. As she worked her way down, his neck relaxed further. "Mmm…" she heard from him and a small smile of satisfaction crossed her lips. _

_When she got to the base of his neck she tried to continue the movements past the neckline of his ACU's, but the material of the shirt was too thick. She heaved a sigh. "This isn't going to work, Alenko. My fingers can't get to the muscles this way. You'll have to remove your shirt." Again she was glad of the darkness and fervently hoped that he couldn't see the blood that she felt rush to her cheeks._

_He shrugged. "Whatever you say…ma'am." Then he grabbed the hem and lifted the shirt over his head. She gaped, her throat constricted and she felt a tightening deep within her. Kimbri had appreciated how his snug ACU's showed off his nice physique. But seeing his bare chest and stomach…well, there weren't words. His shoulders were broad and muscular. His chest was well-muscled without being bulky. His abs were sectioned sharply and distinctly. Dark curling hair ran across his upper chest, tapering as it ran along his abs to his waistline…and lower. She pried her eyes from the trail. She was grateful that the shirt covered his face as it was removed. It gave her a moment to rearrange her expression into something more appropriate._

_She moved behind him on her knees. She firmly pinched the shoulder muscle at the side of his neck and kneaded it with her fingertips. "Ow, Commander. A bit rough, don't you think?"_

"_Lieutenant, this is a massage with deep tissue release—not one with a happy ending," she retorted. "The soreness means that it's working. So suck it up, Soldier, unless you'd rather have Chakwas give you your meds."_

"_No ma'am," he responded._

_She continued the pinching, kneading massage along his shoulders and his neck. His skin was warm and soft over the hard muscles. And he smelled wonderful—like spicy aftershave, musk, and the ozone of battle. Very masculine. She moved onto his shoulder blades, bringing an arm behind him and then working firm circles into the muscles on the edge of the blade. It was full of knots. _This is where he holds all his tension, _she thought. The straight-backed military posture didn't help, she was sure. She had him lay down on the bed, kneeling next to him. Straddling him would have worked better, but she wasn't going there._

_After several minutes on each shoulder, the knots were finally worked out and his shoulders felt looser to her. She worked the little thumb circles down his spine to the small of his back and noticed how still he was and that his breathing was slow and even again. _Finally.

__

_Shepard got up carefully and quietly. She worked on her report into the early morning hours, hoping that the half-naked man in her bed would wake up so she could get some sleep. Eventually she gave up. She left her quarters, shuffled up the few steps to the sleeper pods, found the one marked "Lt. Kaidan Alenko" and crawled in. She fell asleep enveloped by the intoxicating scent of her lieutenant._

* * *

Kimbri ran her hands over her love's smooth muscled back a few more times even though he was fast asleep. Somewhere along the line, the care of his migraines had become her responsibility. And while she hated seeing him suffer, she also reveled in having an official justification to touch him in such a tender, intimate way. From that second episode onward, Kaidan would always report to Doctor Chakwas for his migraines but make the request for non-medicinal treatment. Kimbri had harbored suspicions that a few of his headaches may not have been too severe and that he was also looking for intimacy between them without being brought up on charges of fraternization.

The arrangement wasn't without its problems, however. As their friendship and feelings deepened, restraint in the therapy was increasingly difficult to maintain. She so longed to run her fingers through the hair of his chest and to feel his hands on her. She hungered for his mouth on hers and…elsewhere. They chose to restrict the sessions to the med bay to maintain restraint and appearance of professionalism. Chakwas was an astute woman and Kimbri had no doubts that she suspected a great deal of what was transpiring between the two officers. Despite the pain, Kaidan's natural responses to their physical closeness had to be camouflaged. But as long as they weren't inappropriate in her med bay or indiscrete outside of it, the doctor chose to studiously ignore the infraction.

Kimbri heaved a sigh. The barrier between them from the days of the _SR1_ had dissolved, but more had sprung up with her death and their interactions since then. Why did it seem as though she would never have the right to touch him and love him the way that every cell of her body hungered to? She indulged in a moment of selfishness. Despite the heartache, she just wanted to drink in his presence. She had missed him so terribly ever since waking up from the dead. She slid down, spooning into his back. Her free hand encircled his torso and twined fingers in his chest hair as she nuzzled into his neck to breathe him in. After a few moments of this peace, Kimbri became overwhelmed by the emotional turmoil of the afternoon. The memory of the fight caused an ache in her chest. She let go, shifting her weight to leave and return to her own bed-needing some space to calm her thoughts and emotions. Kaidan's sleeping form had other ideas as he rolled, enclosing her in his arms and pillowing his head on her chest. She was afraid he would wake, the headache not fully resolved, but he nuzzled against her, then settled into sleep again.

Kimbri sighed, resigning herself to staying, then wiped away the moisture from her eyes. She wrapped one arm around the man that she loved and brushed his tousled hair out his face with her other. Kimbri hesitated, then kissed the top of his head. She wasn't tired quite yet. She had too many thoughts running around in her head. The intervening years, although causing strife between them, had made changes in him. There were small superficial details. She lightly traced over the creases over his brow and the new little lines at the corners of his eyes. But it was his bearing that had really changed. Kaidan always had a quiet strength and a strong sense of ethical conduct which had initially attracted her to him. He would voice his opinion on important matters in the line of duty, but if Shepard disagreed he submitted to her judgment like a "good subordinate." That submission of his will to hers seemed to no longer a part of his personality. In the past 2 years, he had risen in the ranks of the Alliance to a designation above her own. The promotion seemed to sit well on his broad shoulders. He seemed…older, wiser, more confident in his abilities, more distinguished.

Kimbri knew that she had a strong will. Her parents had certainly commented on it enough when she was growing up. Luckily, their military lifestyle gave them well-developed strategies that molded her high spirits into a productive direction. Those with a lesser resolve Shepard found easy to bend to her will. Even those that were strong she was often able to coerce into following her lead. Only those like Councilor Anderson with a like mind and strength of character did she regard as a true equal.

These thoughts had been hovering in the back of her mind for a while, but she never had time or energy for them. For the moment, she was free to pull them apart and examine them closely as she would her favorite weapons in the armory. This was the thought that had particularly been bothering her: _so how had she regarded Kaidan?_ 2 years ago he was her subordinate. She knew intellectually that he was her equal if not her superior. His knowledge of biotics was superior to hers although she was thought to be the stronger of the two. He also had extensive knowledge of tech and field medicine—of which she had neither. He was her squad mate. He was a partner in the sense that he was the person in the galaxy that she was closest to—her best friend, then her lover. But he was her subordinate. In her mind he had been _almost_ her equal but not quite. _Not quite._

The thought made her ill. She didn't want to believe this about herself. But it was truth. Now that she saw it, she knew without a doubt that it was true. _Had he known this?_ Yes. She was sure that he did. Quiet temperaments like his leant themselves easily to careful observation. She guessed that he had known, at least on some level. He never made any indication in word or action. He never called her on it or challenged it. He simply supported her, was there for her, loved her. _And I underestimated and undervalued him in return._ She felt tears well up and spill over.

It took a few moments for her to stem the flow of regret before she was able to redirect her examination to the present time. She was dead for 2 years. Kaidan's life had moved on. But she had expected him to have remained in stasis during that time. On Horizon, she seriously expected to tell him the facts and he would fall in line like he always had. But he didn't. She tried to bully him, guilt him, and had raised her voice to him. He stood toe-to-toe with her and didn't back down. His verbal and emotional attacks were just as brutal as hers. And in the end, she would have to concede that although it was a close battle, he had come out the victor. She had seen similar behavior here at the bungalow as well. When her temper flared, he called her on it. He wouldn't let her stalk off either. He confronted her on his terms—forcing a confrontation if need be. Although that was frustrating for her since she liked to get her own way, she had to admit that the trait suited him. She had loved the Kaidan of almost 3 years ago dearly. But this was a new man with whom she was becoming acquainted. He had all the same traits as the old Kaidan that she had fallen in love with. But this man was strong, formidable and exciting. He eclipsed the old Kaidan. He was her equal.

* * *

I know that I pushed the potential effects of massage a bit, but I have helped my sister-in-law on a couple of occsaions to lessen and abort her migraines when they have occurred.

Mood Music for Chapter 10: "Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse, "Earthquake" by Family Force Five, and "Mad About You" by Madonna.


	10. Chapter 10:  Overload

BioWare owns the toys that we like to play with.

Thanks to Brody and Sia who further enhanced the sensual nature of this scene.

Mood Music: "Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse, "Earthquake" by Family Force Five, and "Mad About You" by Madonna.

* * *

10. Overload

Kimbri awoke to the sense that she was being watched. She sat up, her right hand reaching for her hand canon and her eyes automatically scanning the room. "All clear, Commander. Bag 'em and tag 'em," a low smoky voice teased.

She flopped back on the pillow as she looked at him. "Geez, Alenko. Stare much?"

He was propped up one elbow, his smile bright and teasing. "Sorry, Ma'am," he said and bobbed his head with the reply. "It's just that—" he started, his cheeks coloring, "I certainly didn't expect to find a beautiful woman in my bed this morning. Not after having made a spectacular ass out of myself yesterday."

She groaned, rolled over, and covered her face with a pillow. "Do we have to talk about it now? I haven't even had my coffee yet."

"Yes. I'd like to get this out of the way now." His voice had lost the playful tone and now was all business.

"What is it with you and serious conversations in the mornings?" she asked, exasperated.

"I guess I like to make sure the slate is clear for the rest of the day. Or know right away if the day is going to be one helluva mess that's going to end up with me incapacitated for the night." He took the pillow off of her head and nudged her to roll over so he could see her. Kaidan swept her blonde hair back and tucked it behind her ear. "Thanks for taking care of me last night, by the way. I sure as hell didn't deserve it." His soft brown eyes held hers—so like the eyes that she remembered another lifetime ago, set in the older, more hardened face.

She got lost in those eyes, her chest roiling with old feelings for him struggling with the new, trying to make sense of them. She knew she should be angry with him—furious. But after the previous night's revelation about her former treatment of him she couldn't be angry. Instead, she was caught in his eyes. "I always take care of you when you have your migraines. You know that."

"I don't, actually," he responded, still holding her gaze and noticing a change in her demeanor. "It has been two-and-a-half years since the last time you know. A lot has changed in that time, Shepard." He sounded a little sad.

"I'm beginning to get that," she said softly.

He lifted an eyebrow. "You're trying to change the subject, Shepard." His voice was firm. "We have to talk about this."

She stood up, turned away from him and wrapped her arms around her chest. "Talk about what? You had my feelings for you in writing. I understand the power of the visual 'evidence.' But you should have known me well enough to know that I couldn't have betrayed my feelings for you like that with one of those men—let alone…" She shook her head as if to clear the images from her mind.

He got up as well and stood behind her, wanting to touch her, but unsure. "But they were all there for you and I wasn't."

She turned toward him and laid her hand on his cheek, her eyes holding his. "You were. I told you that. Part of you is always with me. I wouldn't have gotten through the suicide mission if that weren't true."

Something unreadable flashed behind his eyes. "Why aren't you yelling at me for yesterday? Why aren't you angry?"

Her mouth turned up in a mischievous smile. "Commander Alenko, are you _looking _for a fight as an excuse for hot makeup sex?"

His dark skin flushed pink. "No, Shepard." He looked down embarrassed, then back into her eyes again. "Hell, maybe I am." His gave her a slow, lingering appraisal from her long legs, over her flat stomach, stopping briefly at her breasts unfettered under the threadbare old shirt. "Dammit, woman. You're changing the subject again!" She giggled. He let out an exasperated sigh. "I see that I'll have to start the discussion if I'm going to have any hope of having a serious conversation with you. I'm sorry, Kimbri. I'm sorry for trusting my eyes and my…jealous emotions rather than my heart."

"I know, Kaidan."

He looked confused. "You know?"

"Yeah. You gave me a half-delirious apology last night. And you apologized again this morning. Twice, actually. Oh! Three times now, I suppose."

"I don't remember that from last night. But this morning? No. I didn't."

"Yes, you did. Just not in the words that most people would consider an apology. But luckily I've been studying my Kaidanese." She stood on her tip-toes kiss him on the tip of his nose, then sat bouncing on the bed.

He tried to keep his eye line up, but with the bouncing and lack of a bra… "Look, am I forgiven, Shepard? Or is this some sort of punishment?" His clothing had started to feel restricting.

She gave him an impish look and held her hands out to him. "Would I do that?" He took her hands and she pulled herself up, pressing her body flush against his. She slid her hands up his sides, then draped her arms around his neck, her fingers lightly caressing his ears. She gave a little wiggle with her hips, causing her body to rub teasingly against his. His groin tightened insistently against her as blue static licked up and down his skin. He wrapped one arm around her and slid one hand to the small of her back, pressing her body firmly against his. "Forgive me?" Kaidan whispered as he lowered his mouth toward hers, his breath ragged.

A very large part of Kimbri wanted to relent, to melt into his embrace and into his kiss. But a larger part of her wanted him to work for it just a little more. "Hmmm…I'll think about," she said teasingly, then slipped out of his arms and moved just out of reach.

Kaidan's eyes closed. "Kimbri, can you be serious for just a moment please?" But his calm was belied by a miniscule tremor of his body and a barely perceptible tint of blue surrounding his body. Shepard's mouth turned up in a mischievous smile. It was the perfect opportunity to see how far she could push the Boy Scout's resolution. She dashed behind him, wrapped her arms around him and ran her fingers over his chest making sure to include his hardened nipples in the attention. She trailed hot wet kisses from his shoulder and up his neck. "I. Don't. Think. So," she whispered huskily as she punctuated each word with another kiss. She reached his earlobe, drew it into her mouth and sucked.

Abruptly Kaidan spun them, pressing her against the wall. His mouth was hot and insistent against hers. One of her long legs wrapped around his waist. One hand travelled up her leg to her butt, gripping her close and pressing himself against her. Her head fell back and she gasped his name.

He put his lips to her ear, he whispered, "Now that I have your attention…do you forgive me, Shepard?"

"This is duress, Alenko," she moaned. His lips slipped down her neck to the sensitive area at the base of her throat. "Okay. Yes. Kaidan. Oh, God, yes."

His mouth returned to hers, his tongue searching. His free hand slipped up under her shirt and cupped a breast, a rough thumb trailing over the sensitive tip. She gasped, her own biotics flaring and electric tingles ran over her. His entire body was glowing a wild bright blue as she hooked her fingers under his waistband and desperately tugged downward. Kaidan broke all contact with her, then pushed his hands against her shoulders to keep their bodies separated. He leaned his head against hers, foreheads and noses touching. His eyes were squeezed shut. "Stop! Please stop!" he let out in a strangled sob.

Every cell in her body felt like it was in overdrive with desire for him. "What? Why!" She felt like she was going to break into tears of frustration. She tried to reach for his mouth.

He roughly pushed away from the wall, away from her. His eyes were large, wild with blue streaks crackling across them. His hands were balled into fists. "Look at me, Kimbri! I'm on the verge of losing control. It's not safe. I'm not safe."

She took a cautious step forward, her palms held out. "I'm not exactly made of glass, Kaidan. And I'm a biotic, too, remember?"

He took another step backward, and put trembling hands over his face. "I feel like I'm going to go supernova." His voice was shaky.

Her ardor had quickly cooled in her fear—not for herself but for him. She knew L2's were known to snap. Was that what he was afraid of right now? Kaidan had always been so controlled, so steady. She never really thought of him as an L2. She edged forward toward him again. "What can I do to help you?"

"Give me space. Leave me alone."

"Not going to happen, Alenko. Come with me." She lead him into the bathroom. "Just take off your shorts, okay?" she instructed soothingly. She went to the shower and turned it on. She turned to him, appreciating the view and noted the blue was less erratic that a few moments before. Gently, she took his hands and pulled him along. "Come on, Kaidan. I'll take care of you." She guided him to the seat in the shower. She pulled off her own clothes, feeling his eyes on her on the entire time, but saying nothing. She stepped into the shower and sat on his lap. She kissed him tenderly and he returned the kissed a bit hesitantly. She ran her fingers through his hair, slicking it back. She did love his hair. She ran her fingertips down his neck to his chest where she lightly stroked the skin with her nails.

Kaidan broke the kiss to look at her for a moment with his soft honey-brown eyes. He caressed the side of her face. "I love you, Shepard."

Her clips curled into a roguish smile. "You better." She pulled his mouth back to hers. Her hands wandered down to his thighs. She deepened the kiss as she slid her hands to find him. His head fell back as she worked. She trailed kisses down his neck as she lowered herself to kneel in front of the shower seat. His biotic flare had returned to its erratic level again. She raised a barrier over herself as a precaution, then began kissing him where her hands had left off.

* * *

Kimbri laid spent and very happy for the first time that she could remember in…well, since that night before Ilos. But that time the clock was ticking. There had been no leisure time to enjoy the aftermath. She felt all…glowy and tingly. _Ugh! So girly!_ And she felt safe and sheltered wrapped in Kaidan's arms.

The shower gamble had mostly been a success. There were only some minor casualties in the form of a few broken bathroom nick-knacks from the biotic discharge that resulted. Nothing that Chakwas would chide them for. _But something that Joker will likely ride Kaidan about for a while._ She giggled.

They had cuddled for a little while under the warm running water until Kaidan recovered. He then took the bath sponge and started gently scrubbing Kimbri from head to toe, lingering in her sensitive areas. He patted her dry with one of the fluffy blue towels on the rack, then carried her into the bedroom. He draped her over the side of the bed and slowly, lovingly returned the favor.

Now the man's arms were wrapped around her and he even had his fingers interlaced with hers. His face was buried at the base of her neck and she could feel his deep even breaths stirring her hair. His bare skin was in contact with hers down to their feet, except for the one leg he had draped around hers. It was like she was wrapped in a big Kaidan blanket. She had never felt so pampered in all of her life. She had always been the responsible one, the one in charge. The one everyone turned to for leadership. But she was also the one people always seemed to forget was a human being just like them that sometimes needed love and support. Kaidan had been the first and only one apart from her family who saw her as a mortal who sometimes needed help shouldering the weight of the galaxy. Even those she considered friends, such as Tali, Garrus, and Joker never quite saw past her "Commander Shepard" façade. She had felt that deeply after Horizon when she could have used a shoulder to cry on. Yet, despite their fight and bad parting, Kaidan still reached a loving hand out to her in that message. Somehow, he was able to see past her barriers even to the ugly parts of her parts of her personality. And for some reason that she couldn't quite fathom, he loved her despite them.

Her stomach grumbled and she sighed. _All good things must come to an end. And all the sooner for two hungry biotics who have to eat frequently._

Mood Music for Chapter 11: "Every LIttle Thing She Does is Magic" by The Police

And yes, Trouble. My cheeks were pink when I thought of you reading this.


	11. Chapter 11:  Mass Effect

Disclaimer: Bioware owns all

Thanks to Brody and Sia for both proofing this on short notice.

Sorry for the late posting this week. Its been a heck of a day!

Mood Music: "Every LIttle Thing She Does is Magic" by The Police

* * *

Mass Effect

Kaidan stirred and reached for Shepard in a half-asleep state, only to find the rumpled sheets where she should have been. He pushed himself up in the bed, rubbed his eyes and tried to regain his bearings. He felt deeply relaxed and satisfied—much more so than was typical of a good night's sleep. It was then that he spied the broken knickknacks in the bathroom. He closed his eyes and allowed the replay of the night before to flood his mind and his senses. His lips turned up in an unconscious smile.

It had been so long since he had been with his Shepard like that. He had almost forgotten how it felt to…He felt blood rush simultaneously to his cheeks and to his groin at the thought. He hadn't quite realized how much his memories had faded of their few stolen moments of regulation bending and of the one time that he had allowed the regs to be broken altogether. Most of the time, Kaidan had stored those memories away, only rarely allowing himself to become submerged in them. More often than not, he tried to shut everything off. It was easier to be a "good soldier" when you turned your emotions off. Apparently command agreed with him considering the two promotions that he received during those dark years of Shepard's…He couldn't finish that thought. It was still hard for him the believe that she had really been completely dead rather than just "mostly" dead and resuscitated. Kaidan ran his fingers through his hair and pushed the dismal thoughts aside.

He slid out of bed and threw on cargo shorts and a deep blue tee-shirt that clung to his muscled chest and shoulders. He wandered into the kitchen and found fresh brewed coffee and one pink sweetener packet laid out for him, but no Kimbri. He rummaged in the fridge, removed a pre-packaged breakfast, and reheated it. He plopped down onto couch with his meal and began digging in when he heard a muffled _thud_. He scanned the room, but didn't see anything amiss. It had to have come from outside. He waited a few moments, but when it didn't resume, he returned to his meal. _Thud._ He got up with his tray and wandered to the windowed French doors. He didn't see anything out of the ordinary. He had begun to turn back to return the empty tray to the kitchen when out of the corner of his eye he saw something plummet from the trees. _Thud._ The tray fell to the floor as he returned to the window to see a woman on the ground. _Kimbri._

A blue-haloed blur raced to her side. Kaidan gingerly grabbed her arm and assisted her to her feet. "Kimbri, for the love of the goddess! Are you okay? What happened?" he asked as he scanned her with a medic's trained eye for injuries. Apart from several red marks on her legs and arms that he was sure would turn into bruises later in the day, she appeared to be okay.

She chuckled while she brushed the sand off of her. "I'm fine, Boy Scout. I was just trying something out." She leveled a more serious expression at him. "And you know I don't like that phrase, Alenko. It's sacrilegious."

"Not to the asari it's not." He shook his head at her stubbornness. "But you're changing the subject—as usual, Shepard." He gave her a skeptical look. "What exactly were you trying to do beside become one large bruise?"

Her cheeks reddened and she looked at her feet. "You'll probably think it's stupid." She noticed his obstinate expression and knew that she wasn't going to get away with evasion. She sighed, then squared her shoulders and looked at him directly. "Okay fine. I was trying to fly."

Kaidan looked incredulous. "You were trying to _what?_"

She felt her temper start to rise and tapped it down, raising her chin. "Fly. I saw both Samara and Liara do it. So I want to learn, too."

Kaidan grabbed her shoulders gently so that he could look directly into her eyes without her turning away. "Kimbri, you forget that they are _asari_ and have had more years of experience with their biotics than you have been alive."

She wrenched out of his grasp. "_You_ forget that I'm an L5 now, not some hampered L3 anymore." She stabbed a glowing blue index finger against his chest. "And, if you recall, my L3 biotics still spiked higher than yours." She regretted the words the moment that they had left her mouth. Hadn't she _just_ resolved to treat him as the equal that he was? And here she was trying to put him in his place just like when he was her subordinate. She felt sick. "I'm sorry, Kaidan," she murmured softly, her eyes lowered. "That was harsher than I meant it."

Kaidan looked a little abashed. "No. You're right. I _did_ forget that your amp was upgraded when you were—" He swallowed hard, then pulled her into a tight, protective embrace. He closed his eyes and kissed the top of her head. He luxuriated in the moment of closeness to allow her heat, scent, and substantiality to reassure himself that she was really, truly alive and well. That this wasn't just another dream from which he would wake as had happened too many times to count in the past.

After a few moments, he let a long breath out of his lungs, his arms still tightly around Shepard. "So I guess you're determined to continue with this with or without my help?"

"Uh huh," came as a muffled reply from his shoulder.

Kaidan reluctantly loosened his hold on the woman. "So how were you doing this, exactly?"

"I'll show you," she replied excitedly, bouncing slightly on the tips of her toes before dashing off into the trees in a blue blur. Kaidan followed more slowly and watched as she nimbly climbed a sturdy tree close to the path. She balanced along one of the thicker branches near the top of the tree. She closed her eyes, her body surrounded by a faint flickering blue aura, then stepped off of the branch.

Kaidan's heart clenched in his chest. Without thinking about it, his left arm shot out, making the mneumonic for _lift_. Her eyes shot open, blazing with anger as the cobalt field surrounded her. She struggled within the biotic field, then dropped 5 feet to the ground as she broke free. She paced toward the soldier, her movements slow and deliberate like that of a predator whose territory had just been encroached upon. As she approached, he could see the cerulean sparks in her eyes. _Crap._ "Shepard, I—"

"Alenko, you can stay or you can go back inside. But I am doing this. And if you interfere again, I'll kick your shapely ass. Am I understood, Commander?"

A corner of Kaidan's mouth quirked into a subtle smile. There was something in him that found her forcefulness incredibly sexy. He pulled his mind from that track before it distracted him from his current mission to keep her from killing herself with this crazy plan. "Yes, ma'am." She looked smug and opened her mouth to press her point when he held up a finger to forestall her comment. "That was an accident. I won't do it again. But I _am_ going to make sure you don't hurt yourself." Her blue eyes narrowed, her arms crossing over her chest. "I do intend to create a barrier to cushion your fall so you don't have to hit the ground so hard." He stepped close to her and patted her on the behind. "I don't want you to hurt yourself."

Her cheeks colored as she struggled to hold onto her previous level of dignity. "I suppose that would be acceptable." She replied seriously, but then couldn't help her lips curl into a smile at the playful gesture. She kissed him on the cheek, then bounded back toward the tree. She grabbed onto the lowest set of branches and scrambled up the tree again. Kaidan felt the same sense of anxiety watching from the ground as the weak indigo aura flickered over her skin as she stepped off of the branch. He held his left hand tightly in a fist at his side. Then with a flick of his wrist he threw a _barrier_ over the ground in front of him to catch the plummeting woman. A meter above cobalt kinetic field, her cerulean aura flared. She hit the barrier, then bounced up in air and returned to the kinetic field Kaidan had placed on the ground.

Kimbri stood, her head tilted to the side as she looked at Kaidan speculatively. "What did you do?"

Kaidan's eyes opened with unfeigned innocence. "I didn't do anything Shepard, I swear. I think that was _you._ It was your aura that flared right before you hit the barrier, not mine.

A wide grin spread across her face. "Really?" She made a little hop and then ran back to the tree with a squeal of excitement.

The marine shook his head in amusement at her uncharacteristic exuberance. He watched as she closed her eyes, her face in deep concentration. Indigo surrounded her, still not solidly, but more than the faint flickering from earlier. The aura flashed unsteadily as she stepped off of the branch again. At first there was no effect. But then the blue surrounding her deepened and her descent slowed. She opened her eyes and shot him a look of triumph right before the aura flickered again and she hit his barrier hard.

Kaidan jogged over to her and offered her a hand up. She took it, but jumped up onto him unexpectantly, knocking him back for a moment before recovering his balance. He places his arms under her to lend support to her long legs as the wrapped around his waist. "I did it, I did it, I did it!" she cried elatedly, bouncing up and down on him.

"Shepard!" the man exclaimed as her movements toppled the both over. They hit the sandy ground with a _thud._

Kimbri's smile turned teasing. "Perhaps you should have put a kinetic barrier here, Alenko," she laughed. She gave him a quick kiss then ran back to the tree.

Kaidan's scarred lips held a broad smile as his left hand signaled a _lift._ Dark blue energy surrounded a giggling Kimbri to the top of the tree. Kaidan rolled himself into a sitting position to watch the woman's next attempt. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, then sprang off of the branch as if diving into a pool. Kaidan's throat closed in panic and he shot to his feet. He used all of his might to produce a barrier strong enough to keep her from breaking her neck when she hit. Suddenly a steady indigo aura flashed into existence all the way along her body. Her trajectory shifted as her body shifted into an upright position. Her feet set down smoothly just outside of the biotic field that Kaidan had conjured.

She sauntered past him with a smug grin on her face. "I think its time for a shower. I'm done here." She walked into the house.

Kaidan grabbed his chest and sat down on the ground to catch his breath.

* * *

Note: I always wanted to fly when I was a kid. When I saw Liara kinda fly using her biotics in LotSB, I knew that I had to have Kimbri give it a try.

If you are enjoying the story, please leave a review and let me know. :)

Mood Music for Chapter 12: "Breathe" by Greenwheel; "Dammit" by Blink 182


	12. Chapter 12:  Blind Date

As always, BioWare own all.

If you have not read my one shot "Blind Date" yet, you will want to go and read that first and then come back and read this chapter. ;)

Thanks to Brody for beta'ing for me.

Mood Music: "Breathe" by Greenwheel; "Dammit" by Blink 182

* * *

Blind Date

Kimbri sat at her terminal while Kaidan showered. She felt badly that she hadn't checked her messages in the past couple of days, but then again the doctor's orders were for her to stay strictly off duty. It made her feel slightly less guilty that her inbox was mostly empty. _So Dr. Chakwas was as good as her word when she said she was going to divert my duties to other members of the team to give me some real r&r. _One message, however, had the subject line "Important: Citadel Intel." She didn't recognize the address, but junk mail didn't tend to make it through the security checkpoints into her inbox anyways. She ran the encryption program and opened the vid file.

It appeared to be the Dark Star Lounge as seen from the recorder on an omni-tool. The picture quality was pretty clear and defined, so it was unlikely to have been just a random vid recording. This had been recorded by someone with funding and skill. She watched as a tall leggy blonde in a blue dress sauntered into the frame. The woman on the screen seemed to reconsider then turned to leave when a dark figure behind her made her change her turn. _Kaidan?_ The two figures moved to a table far in the corner and the camera zoomed in to follow. The heavy dance beat prevented the conversation from being audible but there didn't appear to be much in the way of dialogue anyway.

The man was indeed Kaidan, in a black stretch knit top and with a hint of gold chain peeking out from under the collar. He looked…tired, haggard, sad, and distracted. It made her heart ache to see him like that. Several minutes of footage passed with little interaction from either party when the blonde got up and dragged him off to the dance floor. She had to laugh at Kaidan's dancing. He was awful at it, but she had always found it cute—so typical of his reserved and cautious personality. She watched in disbelief as Kaidan and the woman tossed back several shots of alcohol then returned to the dance floor. Kimbri could see a visible change from the alcohol's effects. This dancing was not at all Kaidan's usual stiff moves. As Kimbri observed the blonde slither up and down his body from all angles her vision started to shift into red hues. _Or perhaps Kaidan's dancing was _stiff_ after all, _she thought bitterly. The cobalt aura that flickered around his body and onto the woman's left no doubt of that in Shepard's mind.

Kimbri's hands balled into fists and her biotics flared. Then a thought hit her. _Wait. Don't jump to conclusions. Didn't the same thing happen to Kaidan the other day?_ She felt her body start to relax. _It's gotta be Cerberus behind this. They would have access to send me encrypted mail and I'm sure TIM could have gotten a message to Kaidan's account as well. He still wants me isolated. He knows that while Kaidan is my greatest weakness, he's also my greatest strength—that together..._ She let out a small relieved laugh, her vision returning to normal. _I almost fell for it, too. But now that I think about it, it's almost obvious. When has Kaidan ever worn jewelry? And Kaidan drunk and…practically having a live sex act in the Dark Star Lounge? No. _It was obviously a fake like those vids of her had been the other day.

Kaidan walked into the room and she gave him a forced smile. "Look at this, Alenko," she began gesturing and turning back to the screen. "They're trying to start another fight with this faked vid? There's a guy that's supposed to be you wearing a necklace and is so drunk that he's dry humping some girl on the dance floor. Isn't that just —" she turned to look at Kaidan. The color drained from his face as he watched the screen. He dropped onto the couch, elbows on knees, face in his hands.

"Kaidan?" she asked, worried.

"No, Shepard," he replied, his voice hoarse, "that _is_ me."

"So that's—"

"The doctor on the Citadel that I mentioned, yeah" he answered miserably.

The jealousy and possessiveness that she first felt watching the scene flared again within her. Her first inclination was that she to strap on her armor and her hand canon, fly to the Citadel and take care of the problem at the source. That wasn't really the practical solution, of course, but it was what she _wanted_ to do for that woman daring to _touch_ him. Kaidan was _hers_. Kimbri couldn't help the next stray thought. It caused her to pause in horror. _If they were that…intimate in public, then what happened later? _She felt bile rise in her throat and like the world fell out from under her feet. _Did he sleep with her?_ She looked at him to try to find confirmation or denial of her suspicions.

He looked almost as awful as he had at the beginning of the vid. Haunted. Tormented. The red in her vision faded and the fire in her was doused as if by ice water. _He was hurting and he was alone for _two_ years and I wasn't there for him. He thought I was dead for all that time. He was free to move on long before that._ She realized that she didn't have any claims on him for that time in his life. She had no right to have jealous feelings about him trying to find…some comfort. He owed her no explanation—not even if he had…she didn't want to even think about it. The commander in her wanted to demand the information of him. But she couldn't do that. She would try to be as understanding and supportive as she could.

She sat next to him, rubbing his back. "Kaidan, you don't owe me an explanation." She tried to catch his eyes but he wouldn't look at her. "You did nothing wrong, Sweetheart."

At that he looked at her, his brows furrowed. "How can you say that? Why are you so calm? I would have thought that you'd have left to storm the medical wards of the Citadel by now."

She gazed into brandy-colored eyes, trying to convince him of her sincerity, as well as to convince herself. "I…I wasn't there for you for _two years_, Kaidan. I was dead." She placed a hand on his cheek. "You were free to do whatever would make you happy. I have no claim on that part of your life." She looked down at her hands which somehow were in his without her having realized it. She was a little afraid to ask the next part, but she had to know. "Are you...still sleeping with her?" She heart let out a cry of pain at the very thought of him ever having been with the blonde doctor in the vid, let alone that there was still a relationship between the two.

"What?" he asked, incredulous. "No." He gently grabbed her chin, forcing her eyes to meet his. "Never. Shepard, I know what it must look like…but we never…I told you it wasn't serious."

"Well, I know that things don't have to be serious to happen, Kaidan." This line of conversation was rather embarrassing for her. She wanted to look down, to look away. But he held her face and her gaze firmly, trying to dispel this line of misunderstanding between the two of them.

"Not for me, Kimbri." His voice was firm but gentle. "I've told you that before."

Her tone was so low that it was almost a whisper. "But grief sometimes—"

"I'm going to tell you this once more, Shepard. I haven't had sex since Ilos. Nothing even close since being on the _Normandy_—" He gave her a lop-sided smile, "until yesterday morning."

The knots of worry dissolved and she began to feel tears of relief pricking at her eyes. She threw her arms around his neck. She pressed her lips to his, giving him a long, slow, loving kiss. When she pulled back, he kissed the tip of her nose and smiled at her. He pulled her back into his arms.

After a few moments of just enjoying his embrace she decided that there were a few other issues that needed clarifying. "Kaidan, can I ask you a question about the other day?"

He stiffened slightly for a moment then began rubbing her back. "Okay."

"What convinced you that the vids of me had been faked?"

He sighed. "I was hurt and angry, but I've had a lifetime of being able to set aside personal feelings and look at things logically. So that's why I tried to do. There was just something about the recordings that rang false. It just…it wasn't like you. Not the Kimbri I knew from three years ago anyways. I was afraid that perhaps you had changed more than I had realized." He shifted uncomfortably. "Then I noticed the lack of your biotic aura in two of the vids. I had Joker check the surveillance records on the Normandy for the same time stamps. The vids weren't the same. Parts of the vids were true, but there were things that didn't happen that had been inserted." He shrugged. "So I realized that I had been an ass and then the migraine took me."

Kimbri was contemplative. "Hmmm…and now we've been sent another incriminating vid. TIM has got to be behind this somehow. He doesn't want us together."

"Yeah, well mine wasn't doctored. And it's damn embarrassing. I, uh, was pretty drunk for that part of the night. I didn't quite remember being that…inappropriate in public."

Shepard hesitated then asked, "Do you think that she could have been in on it?"

Kaidan thought for a moment. "No. I don't think so. She came close to walking out that evening a couple times, not that I could blame her. I was pretty poor company."

Kimbri bit back a retort that only would have sounded catty. Instead, she kissed him on the temple and returned to the terminal on the desk. She keyed in the link to the _Normandy_. "Yes, Commander Shepard?" a modulated voice responded.

"Any progress on those vid files that I sent you?"

"Yes, Commander. The vids apparently were spliced together from real conversations between you and the crew members in question with other real events amongst members of the crew."

"Well that's clear as mud, EDI. Care to elaborate?" Shepard responded, obviously irritated.

"To my knowledge, mud is colored according to the local soil pigmentation. I have no records of clear soil or mud in my databases, Commander."

Kimbri watched a flicker of a smile cross Kaidan's lips. She sighed. "It's an expression of confusion, EDI."

"Oh, very well, Shepard. The recordings for the most part are actual."

"But I didn't—"

"The recordings are spliced together, Commander. There are those where you were having conversations with the crew members in question. Then the secondary time stamp in the underlying data jumps to a later time than is displayed on the video itself. In addition, those images consist of a composite of your face upon the body of other crew members."

Kimbri's expression hardened. "And which crew members would those be, EDI?"

"In the video of Mr. Taylor, the body belongs to that of Miss Lawson."

"Well, that would explain the biotic aura that I saw in that one." Kimbri jumped slightly. She didn't realize that Kaidan had come to stand behind her chair. He put comforting hands on her shoulders.

"Not to mention that the two of them have history together," Shepard added. "What about the other two vids, EDI?"

"Both of the remaining recordings appear to have the same body profile. It matches that of Yeoman Kelly Chambers."

A low hiss escaped Kimbri's lips. "That little slut!" Kaidan's hands gave her shoulders a little squeeze in warning. Kimbri took a deep breath. "EDI, do you have any indication of where the message originated?"

"The message that was routed through Mr. Mereau's account to Commander Alenko's was routed there from Yeoman Chamber's account." The even female voice continued, "Shepard, I thought you might like to know that the video e-mail that was sent to your account this morning was also routed from the same account."

Kimbri's entire body stiffened, her vision turning a hazy red. "EDI, put that little hussy's security on immediate lock down and get me Garrus!"

Kaidan's hands restrained her, rubbing soothingly into her tensed muscles. "Shepard wait. We could use this to our advantage. Could EDI instead monitor all of Chambers's actions—electronic and otherwise? By all means, put her security on lockdown so she does not have any accurate access to the ship. But what if you were to plant misinformation into the system. Then whatever she may be feeding Cerberus would be faulty. We could use this to our advantage."

"Keep your friends close but your enemies closer, huh?" Shepard was impressed. She also couldn't help but notice Kaidan's use of the word "we" in his plans. It gave her a warm feeling of camaraderie with the man that she missed since her forced leave of the original _Normandy. _Kimbri gave Kaidan a sideways glance. "I'm impressed, Commander. What has the Alliance been doing with you since I've been gone? Certainly not just a messenger boy for Anderson. This plan certainly is more devious than what I would have expected of you two years ago."

Alenko looked at once both satisfied and discomforted. "I'm, uh, not at liberty to discuss that, Commander. I'll leave that conversation between you and Anderson for a later date."

Shepard gave him a sly smile. "Very well, Staff Commander—for now." She turned back to the terminal. "Well, EDI? Can it be done?"

"I'm not versed in the seeding of false information into my systems, Shepard. I'm afraid I cannot help you in that."

"What if another member of the crew were to lay the needed misinformation? Would you be okay with helping them to place it in the databanks of the _Normandy_?"

"Certainly Commander. To whom would you like me to connect you?"

Kimbri and Kaidan looked at each other. Garrus was out due to his association with Chambers. Jacob wasn't a tech guy. Tali was just…too innocent. "Well, Miranda is the best one that comes to my mind."

Kaidan frowned. "The Cerberus operative in the skin-tight outfit?"

Kimbri raised an eyebrow at him. "Noticed that, did you, Alenko? And she is a _former_ Cerberus agent. She fully renounced her loyalty to TIM when I blew up the Collector base against his orders. She outright disobeyed him and disavowed him then and there. I think she's as much on the run from him as the rest of us. Besides, she's still technically my XO."

"Be that as it may, I have another suggestion." Kimbri looked at him expectantly. "Joker. He's likely seen all of that original footage before. And he does have some experience hacking systems with all of the extranet content that he tries to hide from the powers that be. Plus I understand that he already has a good working relationship with the ship AI."

EDI spoke up. "Should I contact Mr. Moreau for you, Commander?"

"Yes, please, EDI."

"No need commander. I overheard part of the conversation. I'd be happy to help nail that little—"

"Language, Jeff," the AI chided.

* * *

If you are enjoying the story, please leave a review and let me know. :)

Mood Music for Chapter 13: "Wild 2 Nite" by Shaggy; "Naughty Girl" by Beyonce; "Adore" by Paramore; "This Will Be" by Natalie Cole


	13. Chapter 13:  Biotics

As always, BioWare owns all the toys that we like to play with

Thanks to Brody looking over this chapter for me and making it better. Thanks to Nicky for helping me to fill in some extra details.

Mood Music: "Wild 2 Nite" by Shaggy; "Naughty Girl" by Beyonce; "Fever" by Family Force Five and "Supernatural" by By Devine Right

Ready to heat things up a bit?

* * *

Biotics

Kimbri felt a little tense and mentally taxed following the drama of the afternoon. Kaidan felt that they could use a change of scenery. He set to work in the kitchen while he sent Kimbri into her room to "put on something nice" while he put together a picnic dinner. She decided a shower would be in order.

The hot water pounding on her shoulders and back was just the thing to wash away the residual feelings from the video of Kaidan's date with that doctor. She felt the strain melt from her muscles and wash down the drain with the water. The ritual of combing and styling her hair left her mind to wander. It seemed as though every little hitch that she and Kaidan had encountered, every piece of drama served a purpose. They seemed closer after every one, as if each hurdle broke down a layer of defense between them. She felt so close to him now—closer than she had even on the old _Normandy. _She couldn't help but catch the reflection of the dreamy smile playing across her lips while thinking of her Kaidan. She laughed, then raided the scary closet that Chakwas and Joker had stocked. She sighed at the dark blue dress. She really would have liked to have worn that for Kaidan since it was her favorite color. But _she_ had worn something like it for him. Kimbri took a deep breath and steered her thoughts from that line of thinking. Instead, she grabbed a knee-length black dress with a plunging neckline and started getting ready for her date.

* * *

Dinner was finished and they stood together watching the golden sun as it disappeared behind the watery horizon in hues of orange, red, pink, and purple. Kimbri was becoming increasingly distracted by the feel of his breath along her ear, neck and shoulder and by the feel of his hard muscled body nestled against practically every inch of her back and thighs. She turned her head back to him and he kissed her, his lips teasingly pulling at her own. Something between a growl and a purr rumbled from her throat. Kaidan turned her in his arms, one hand clasping her hip and pulling him tightly against himself, the other winding into her hair. She parted her lips to give his tongue access and lost herself for a few moments in the kiss. She broke the kiss, her lips working their way from his mouth to his jaw. She nibbled along the strong line of his jaw to his ear. Her tongue darted out and captured his lobe, suckling and pulling at it with her mouth. Kaidan moaned and she felt his hand slide from her hip, under the hem of her dress to her bottom, where it squeezed and kneaded. She unbuttoned his shirt. Her mouth nibbled and nipped its way down the line of his throat while her hands explored his chest. Her fingers fondled his nipples and he pulled her mouth back to his. She broke the kiss and bent forward, taking one dark bud in her mouth while her hands worked on unfastening his belt and lowering his pants.

Both of his hands automatically went to the back of her head, twining in her hair and pushing her down and forward. She looked up at him, her eyes twinkling with amusement at seeing his sudden realization and discomfiture at his action. "A little eager are we, Alenko?" she teased.

His answering blush was simply adorable. "I didn't mean…you don't have to-" but his protests were cut short by a gasp as he felt a teasing wet warmth. While keeping her eyes locked with his, Kimbri enjoyed her exploration of him. The soft, silky skin stretched taut over hardened tissue was a paradox she couldn't resist investigating with her tongue and mouth.

To Kaidan, her teasing exploration was more arousing than her more…wanton version the other day due to its more hesitant nature and almost innocent curiosity. He'd better put an end to it now or the rest of his expectations for the evening might be cut short. "Shepard, stop. Please stop," he croaked, pulling her back up and her mouth back to his. He could taste a bit of himself on her tongue reinforcing in his mind that she was really there, that she was really _his_. His hands returned to the back of her thighs, sliding up again and under her dress to cup her backside. One of her legs slid up his and wrapped around his waist. He moaned against her mouth. Kaidan carried her to a low stone wall that he presumed served as a property marker. She stood in front of him, holding his gaze with her own as she slowly lowered the black silk dress down her long body until it was just a puddle of material at their feet. The man stood breathless for a moment as he took in Shepard's tall, toned and muscled body. Pale ivory legs were each enclosed by silky black stockings topped with lace and suspended by a lace garter belt. A black thong covered the skin between with lace so fine that it left practically nothing to the imagination. The effect was topped off by a lacy strapless black bra

Kimbri smiled knowingly as she watched the play of emotions on Kaidan's face. When his eyes returned to hers, she slowly and deliberately slid reached back and unhooked her bra.

Before the scrap of lace hit the ground, Kaidan's mouth was pressed firmly against hers. He moved one hand to pull at the scanty satin strap of material that barely served as underwear. It pulled loose with little resistance. _Break away thong. I'll have to thank Joker for that one later._ Kaidan slid off his shirt and laid it on the wall, then lifted Kimbri onto it.

The height of the wall was just right. She could reach forward and kiss him and yet a hard heat beckoning to her as it travelled up her inner thigh. Kimbri nuzzled his ear and whispered breathlessly, "I want _all_ of you tonight, Kaidan," then fastened her mouth back to his.

She felt his muscles stiffen. She pulled back to see that the little worry lines between his brows had deepened and that one eyebrow was raised quizzically. "What do you mean?"

"We've been apart for too long, Kaidan. I don't want to hold anything back from each other." To make her point plain, she let a rush of cerrulean energy flicker over her entire body as she kissed him again.

He looked down for a moment seeming to draw into himself. "I don't know, Shepard. At best it can be…uncomfortable and at worst dangerous for the other person if I use my biotics like that—when I might not always have full control."

There was a story behind his assertion somewhere, but now wasn't the time for her to try to ferret it out of him. She took his chin and looked at him firmly. "I'm Commander Fucking Shepard. A Reaper couldn't take me out. My bones are fused with metal alloy and my skin is reinforced with some sort of cybernetic weave. I now have an L5x implant which is plenty powerful to take on your L2." Her voice grew husky, "Don't you _dare_ treat me like some breakable porcelain doll, Alenko." To make her point, she grabbed his neck, pulling his mouth forcibly to hers.

Worry still traced his features, but was being eclipsed by his need of her. "This won't be as gentle as I had planned, Kimbri."

"Good," she growled. She bit his lower lip gently and wrapped a leg around his waist , positioning his body right where she wanted him. His mouth trailed down her neck to her breast. She arched her back as he suckled, then her body was covered in blue flame. His own biotics responded. The two energies hummed on slightly different frequencies, causing discordant beads to travel all over Kimbri's body. It was as if his fingers and mouth were _everywhere_, nipping and teasing her skin all at once. She felt the gravity shift of dark energy gathering behind her back and then gasped as she was _pulled _forward and he was buried within her, filling her completely. The energies began a shifting back and forth between a gentle _throw_ and _pull_. She soon lost track of the individual movements, caught up in the vortex of sensations Kaidan was causing within her.

Kaidan's gaze remained fixed upon Shepard. _Damn, she's beautiful._ He had always thought that she was, but now…mostly bare, head back moaning his name repeatedly. There just wasn't anything he'd seen to compare. Her breathing was speeding up and becoming shallower. She was close. He leaned closer to her, his hand touching her face, sliding along from her cheek to behind her neck. He supported her head and brought it forward, foreheads and noses touching. Blue eyes opened, trying to focus on his. He held her gaze for a moment, then kissed her with his own panting lips. "I love you, Shepard" he breathed. He then increased his caresses of the areas that he knew were particularly sensitive.

She only managed to think how sweet her Kaidan was in wanting the added intimacy of eye contact as she…then the waves of energy and pleasure broke over her, bathing her in feelings of delicious warmth and adoration. She maintained the eye contact as long as she could before slumping against him, spent. She felt Kaidan shift her body to support the weight that she no longer could. His body found a new place within her with the shift. Kimbri couldn't believe it as she felt her muscles tighten within her as tension began to build again. Kaidan's pace sped, becoming more erratic and insistent. His head fell back and sight of his throat was more erotic than she ever thought. She kissed her way up his neck to reach for his lips. She drank deeply of his mouth amidst their combined moans and gasps, wanting to be with him completely. Then the waves consumed them both.

* * *

Mood Music for Chapter 14: "Adore" by Paramore; "This Will Be" by Natalie Cole; "Superman" by Five for Fighting and "Finally" by Cece Peniston

Please leave a review if you are enjoying the story and let me know. ;)


	14. Chapter 14:  Languid

You know that spiel by now about BioWare...

Thanks once again to Brody and Sia, my betas. You guys are great. :D

Mood Music: "Adore" by Paramore; "This Will Be" by Natalie Cole; "Superman" by Five for Fighting and "Finally" by Cece Peniston

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14. Languid

Kimbri awoke in the large bed of the master bedroom. She was in Kaidan's arms, his body propped up by the headboard and she was laying nestled against him. She didn't remember much after the second orgasm. He must have carried her back to the house. She felt a little self-conscious about that since all of the tech in her new body added so much to her weight. Then again, he didn't seem to even notice the change any of the times that he picked her up this past week. She let it go.

She wanted to look up at him, but she was simply too exhausted to move, her energy and biotic abilities utterly spent. She felt completely languid—like her bones had been removed and she was made out of pudding or something. But Kaidan's breathing was slow and even. He must have been just as exhausted as she was. _Totally worth it. Hell, I'd even go through Horizon again if there'd be makeup sex like this afterward._ She giggled. She had heard of women having multiple orgasms's before, but she was never sure that she believed it. Not that she ever had much opportunity to practice, however.

She nuzzled against the hair on his chest, feathering a few kisses on his bare skin. He stirred, his eyes opening in slits. He smiled and rested his head against the headboard. "Hey."

She wriggled her way up his body to lay her head on his shoulder, her face against his neck. "Hey yourself."

His right hand patted the nightstand until finding and grabbing the bottle of standard-issue biotic energy drink and a ration bar. He offered them to Shepard. "Here, you should have some of this and I supposed we ought to get up and eat—at some point," his voice was sleepy and did not sound pleased at the prospect of having to get out of bed.

Kimbri obediently drank the high calorie/electrolyte mixture and nibbled on the snack bar. Then a teasing smile crossed her lips. "Hey. I have a bone to pick with you, Alenko." She tried to sound stern.

He lifted his head and looked down at her, his face etched with concern. "Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you? I thought—"

"No. That was…" she put hand up to her forehead, still feeling a bit dizzy after the exertions. She tried again, "That was amazing. It was better than Ilos." She gave him a stern look. "Which brings me back to my point. You were holding out on me that night before Ilos. A lot. Why do you feel the need to treat me as if I was breakable?"

Kaidan stroked her hair. "Is it really so terrible if I want to protect you? I lost you once already—after abandoning you to your fate on the _Normandy_."

"Oh, no, you don't, Alenko. No using your overactive sense of responsibility to deflect the issue of you holding back those wonderful biotic powers or yours."

He rolled his eyes. "You know that I kept very tight control over my biotics most of my adult life. It wasn't until I started working with you that I started to learn to use my powers more fully."

She nodded. "Because of what happened with Vyrnnus and Rahna."

"Well, not entirely." He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand and looking away from her. "Are we really going to dredge up our past romantic histories, Shepard?"

"I'm not asking for names or gory details, Kaidan. I just would like to know more about what made you who you are today. Romantic encounters play a part in that for better or for worse." She looked at him shyly from under her lashes. "Specifically, I'd like to know about your biotics."

He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. "You know how tricky learning the use of biotics in any way is tricky, especially in anything…new." She nodded, trying to encourage him although he wasn't looking at her. He continued, "I told you that Rahna and I never…figured things out between us." He leaned his head back against the headboard, looking at the ceiling but holding tightly against himself. "After BAaT and Vyrnnus was a dark time for me. I didn't really want to anything to do with my biotics. I wanted to pretend that none of it had happened—my biotics, BAaT, Vyrnnus, Rahna. I tried to work as a civilian. I loved the fact that I could lose myself in the world of programming and hacking—you know, _normal_ stuff. But there were always little things to remind me that I was not _normal_." He looked at her, his expressive brown eyes asking understanding and acceptance from her. "Since I was denying their existence, I wasn't discharging the excess dark energies like I should. So anytime I'd walk past a metal object I'd get a nasty shock. Or I could be working on a piece of programming and the charge would wipe out several hours of work." He let out a breath, "People couldn't help but notice my appetite. I tried to keep my meal portions down, but even going hungry I ate more than a normal guy my age. Little changes in emotions—like frustration or annoyance would cause a flicker of my aura. My co-workers started to avoid the 'freak.' Word was also getting out around that time about the L2 implants and their side effects. My employers couldn't fire me for it, but they certainly kept a close eye on me. I felt like 'big brother' was always watching."

He rested his chin on the top of her head. "So eventually I joined the Alliance where they considered my biotics as an asset rather than something to be feared—for the most part. Still, I tried to fit in with the other recruits, to be like everyone else. So I took shore leave like the other marines. You know how it is. There are always those types of women that have a thing for soldiers on leave. I always tried to be upfront with them about being an L2. But for some of them the dangerous reputation of my implant only intrigued them more."

She felt his body beneath her tighten at the unpleasant memories. She stroked his chest in what she hoped was a soothing way. "I was out of practice at controlling my biotics since BAaT—just starting to retrain them with the Alliance. So when things heated up on leave…" he let her imagination fill in the end of his thought. "No one got hurt, thank God, and I never had any complaints. But after a time or two, word must have gotten around. The women weren't quite as…bold in approaching me, which suited me fine. Those few encounters I had weren't very satisfying. They relieved some physical need, but I seemed to feel more empty and unfulfilled after them."

"After a while I was in healthier place in my life. I had a good handle on my abilities by that time. At that point I did manage to have a few relationships." Kimbri was looking up at him with interest and a slightly predatory look in her eye. He met her eyes, unyielding. "And no. I'm not going to give you many more details than that. They didn't last for one, and it wouldn't be gentlemanly for another. But my earlier experiences had taught me to hold back with them—that biotics and the bedroom just didn't mix well."

He rested his forehead against hers, their noses touching and he looked deeply into her blue eyes. "So there you go. The whole convoluted history behind why Ilos was different from last night." His eyes looked uncertain for a moment and searched hers. "Was there something…um, lacking for you before Ilos? I know you said in your message..." his eyes looked down, his long lashes hiding their brown depths.

He looked so vulnerable and so adorable. Kimbri kissed him tenderly, then smiled lovingly at him. "No, Kaidan. That night before Ilos was amazing. Special. The best night of my life until last night."

Kaidan smiled his heartbreaking lop-sided smile at her, rolled them so that he was over her, and then kissed her. His teasing grin returned and he shifted his weight onto his arms. "The best, huh?"

She looked away, color flooding her cheeks. She tried to shrug, but it wasn't easy in her current position. She mumbled, "Not like I had much to compare it to."

He just watched her discomfiture, comparing it to her words for a moment. "Kimbri? Care to explain that?"

She shook her head, avoiding his eye contact. "Not particularly, no," she replied quietly.

"So you get to drag out my whole embarrassing history but you keep yours to yourself. How is that fair, Shepard?"

She looked at him, her eyes slitted. "Not your _whole_ history, Alenko."

"That's not really only my story to tell and you know it. Besides, I don't need you going off across the galaxy to take down my ex-girlfriends. And you're deflecting, Shepard. I know that my ancient history doesn't really make you feel threatened. So spill it."

"You'll think I'm a freak."

He chuckles softly, affectionately tucking some loose hair behind her ear. "Right. Because I'm the poster boy for _normal_." He allowed a blue flicker to flare in his eyes. He stroked her cheek with his thumb. "I really wish you felt you could trust me enough to talk to me, Kimbri."

The sadness creeping into his soft brown eyes made her heart ache that she was causing him any hurt. "You know that my parents were both military. I think that my parents would have been happy with any productive profession I chose, but they were quite proud that I always seemed to prefer following in their footsteps—since I was like 13. They wanted to give me every advantage and they helped to prepare me for going into the special forces branch of the Alliance. I knew that it was a tough, long road and became a master at delayed gratification. I had boyfriends, like any other teenager. But being _in the moment_ wasn't really something that I was willing to risk a future career over. Not to mention," she blushed a little and then raised hands with blue auras, "_this_ kinda tended to freak guys out a bit when making out."

Kaidan smiled at her, then nuzzled her ear, "I think it's rather hot myself."

Her returning smile was a mix of shy and seductive. "Mmm…you're sexy as hell when you're covered in your blue aura." She reached up to grab the back of his neck, pulling his mouth to hers and savored the kiss. He was afraid for a moment that his interruption had derailed the conversation. But she continued, encouraged instead. "Then I entered the Alliance and there were regs to follow. And as for relationships outside of the military, there really wasn't any opportunity. My training toward becoming an N7 would take me from one assignment to the next, from one part of the system to the next. There really wasn't time to form any lasting attachments outside the line of duty."

She took a deep breath. He noticed her blue eyes darken to look troubled, like the sea before a storm. "Then came Akuze." He slid his arms under her to hold her closer. He tried to give her what reassurance of the here and now, tried to shelter her with his body from the awful memory. "There was a soldier in my unit, James. He was a tall blonde with blue eyes and was a good soldier. I think we both felt the spark that existed—that there could have been more. We developed a good friendship and a worked really well together out in the field. But I was a good little soldier—never so much as a flirtatious comment. I might have looked, but I didn't touch. And neither did he." She closed her eyes, the scene replaying itself in her mind. "I got to watch as that frakkin' thresher maw took down everyone but me—including James. There was nothing I could do to save him, any of them."

Kaidan wiped tears away with his thumb, but was at a loss for what to say. He did know that being a willing listener was usually more helpful than spouting useless platitudes. So he remained quiet, but kissed the trail that her tear had left upon her cheek. She looked up at him, her eyes puffy and reddened but earnest in meeting his. "That's why…" she paused and started over. "You asked me once if I always tried to get to know those under my command. Before Akuze I hadn't. After Akuze I didn't really have time-moving around between assignments. Then I came onto the Normandy. Losing Jenkins so quickly into my first mission on my new assignment was difficult. But there was a job to do. Then you were being pulled toward that beacon. I was going to lose both of you in one mission—my whole team, like on Akuze."

She looked away, so he interjected. "So you threw yourself into that beacon instead. You know, that moment was one of those 'turning point' moments for me. I realized that despite having just met us, you cared—enough to put your life in danger to save mine."

He lifted her chin to try to get her to look at him. She met his reluctantly. "I was just being a good CO."

"No. I've served on a number of ships under a number of commands. But none like yours. I have to admit that I was intrigued at the thought of not only serving with another biotic, but under one. That was new. I was looking forward to watching how that changed things. But it was that one act on Eden Prime that made me begin to fall in love with you." A teasing leer spread across his features. "Well, that and how incredibly hot you looked in your N7 armor."

She slapped him playfully, but her body had not missed the invitation in his smoky voice as he had teased her. She purred back at him, "Watch it, Commander. Do you want to distract me from my story?"

His lips twisted into her favorite half-smile. "Wouldn't dream of it. But when do we get to the 'good part'? I haven't heard you mention any of your embarrassing escapades."

Her brows drew together. "_That's_ it." His simply looked confused. She heaved a sigh, not really wanting to have to explain, but knowing that she had to. "I have always loved my work and valued honor and duty above all else. Akuze taught me that life was short and that there are things in this galaxy that are just as important. Life is precious. Love is rare. Both are important enough to fight for—at times even if its at the expense of duty. That's why regs didn't matter between us for me—not after it was apparent that there was more than simple attraction between us." She quirked a teasing eyebrow at him. "_That's_ why I jumped you that night before Ilos."

He smiled playfully in return. "I thought I was the one who initiated that one. I did, after all, come into your quarters uninvited."

"And I grabbed you—partially to just shut you up, I think. Honestly, soldier, were you planning on _talking_ to me all night if I hadn't?"

He chuckled, his voice growing huskier. "No, Ma'am." Then he looked confused again. "Wait. Perhaps my transponder is malfunctioning. At what point in all of that did you tell me the 'freaky part'?"

Kimbri groaned. He wasn't really going to make her _say_ it was he? "I was _thirty_, Kaidan, at our first time together. How many thirty-year-olds do you know that are still…" her face had turned completely scarlett.

Kaidan's eyes were like saucers. "You mean…you were a virgin?" She cringed at the word she was trying to avoid.

He pulled off of her, sitting on the edge of the bed and running both hands through his hair. She felt his withdrawal like a physical blow—like something essential had been torn from her. _This _was why she hadn't told him. Who would have suspected that the "great Commander Shepard" had never been laid? It was one of those things about herself that she had been proud of and ashamed of at the same time. She sat up against the headboard and gathered the sheets around herself, feeling suddenly vulnerable. The shocked, dismayed look on his face made her wish she had her armor.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked quietly, not quite looking at her.

"I did. Just now."

He exhaled noisily, pinching the bridge of his nose again. "You know what I mean, Kimbri. Why didn't you tell me at the time?"

She wanted to wave her hand at the distance he had put between them and yell _duh! _But she knew that wasn't exactly the most mature response. "Look at how you pulled away from me when I told you just now." It took every fiber of willpower in her body to keep the tears at bay. He voice was nearly a whisper when she spoke again. "I was afraid that you would have treated me differently."

Her broken voice refocused his attention on her—at her defensive positioning in the bed. He hadn't meant for her to misconstrue his shock. He crawled up next to her and gathered her into his arms. "I'm sorry for my over reaction, Kimbri. It wasn't really aimed at you." He body hadn't relaxed much and he felt and heard a little _hmpft_ come from her. He rubbed his hands over her back. "I was upset that I didn't know because…well, I wasn't exactly gentle with you. I might have held the biotics back but I pretty much gave myself over to my desire for you that night."

She pushed away from his chest, her eyes flashing something between annoyance and amusement. "So you mean to say that if you had known, you would have been _more _careful and considerate?"

"Well, yeah."

She looked up toward the ceiling. "Well, thank God I didn't tell you then." She looked more directly at him again with more amusement. "Do you realize we started this conversation with me wishing that you were less gentle with me and we've ended it with you wishing you were_ more_ gentle with me?"

He chuckled, drawing her back against his chest. "I guess that's true. Although I'm especially glad now that we didn't experiment with the biotics that night." She groaned. He nuzzled her ear and whispered into it, "That sound reminds me…besides, from what I witnessed last night, if we had, the whole ship would have been awakened to you repeatedly _agreeing with me_ very loudly."

She blushed furiously. He nibbled his way down her neck. "So you don't mind?"

"No," he murmured against her neck.

"_How_ do you feel about it?"

He stopped his ministrations and thought for a moment. He held her face between his hands wanting the intimacy of eye contact. "You know, its odd. Its not supposed to make a difference, right? You're with me now and have saved yourself for me since the moment that I met you—even when I didn't deserve it."

"Just like you did for me," she added.

He rewarded her with a little kiss and he couldn't help a smile forming on his lips. "It makes me feel like a Neanderthal, but if I'm being honest, I have to say that I really like it. Its…well, exciting to think that no other man has ever really touched you—that you've always belonged to only me." He started kissing her in earnest, pushing her backward onto her back.

"You know what else I realized?" he asked between kisses.

"hmmm?"

"You're thirty-two. And we've only made love twice." He mouth travelled down her neck, his hands running over the sensitive spots on her body.

"So?" she gasped.

"We have a lot of years of experience to make up for," he murmured against her skin as his mouth trailed lower.

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Like the fic? Don't like it? Let me know. :)


	15. Chapter 15:  Guilty Pleasures

BioWare owns all as always.

Thanks to Brodyaha for returning as my beta after my long hiatus from writing. And thanks to my readers in advance for returning despite the long break. There are 6 more chapters planned including this one. I have the first 4 of those rough drafts written. So there won't be a long break between posts again like this winter. I promise. ;)

Mood Music: "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face" from _My Fair Lady; _"No One Knows Who I Am" from _Jekyll & Hyde; _"All I Ask of You" and "Music of the Night" from _Phantom of the Opera_

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**Chapter 15: Guilty Pleasures**

Many, many hours later Kimbri stood in the bathroom looking at her image in the mirror. The difference was amazing. In the past couple of days she didn't get a lot of sleep, although she had spent a large amount of the time in bed. She couldn't help but notice her sly smile in the mirror that came unbidden at the thought. She giggled.

Then again, the doctor likely wasn't expecting a lot of _sleep_ per se. Still, the sleep that she did have here, apart from that first night was more restful than any sleep she had…since the beacon on Eden Prime. Kaidan's presence next to her at night was like a ward against her nightmares. _I am not looking forward to when he's not—_She clamped down ruthlessly on that line of thought. It would only lead to despair welling up within her.

She refocused on her reflection. She turned her face to the side to look at the most telling of the dermal breakdown. There wasn't the slightest sign of the previously hash-marked skin-no red glow, not even scars. She ran her fingers over the area. It was completely smooth. She looked deeply at her eyes. She turned the lights on and off, trying to see the tell-tale red glow of her artificial retinas. _Nothing._

She felt warm arms wrap around her. "What are you up to in here, Shepard?" Kaidan purred.

"Umm…" she felt heat blossom in her cheeks.

"You're being silly, Kimbri. I love you for the amazing woman that you are, not for how you look. Don't you know that by now?"

She twisted in his arms, looking back at him over her shoulder with a teasing cynicism. "And if I had been reconstructed as a female salarian? Or a krogan? How about if Cerberus made me male this time around?"

"Okay. You've got me. So perhaps it matters a little. But your examples are a bit extreme, Kimbri. You _know_ what I mean." He kissed her on the cheek, then released her and gave her a slap on the behind. She let out a little squeak of surprise. "Now get moving. I think we ought to go outside for some fresh air."

She chuckled. "Yeah. Well, the air in here is rather…stale as well. I think we'd better open some windows while we are out."

Kaidan peered into the bedroom at the tangle of bedding strewn everywhere, amusement on his face. "Perhaps we should start a load of laundry, too."

"Chakwas might prefer we just _burn_ those sheets," she snorted.

"Well if that's the case, then we'd have to include the Jacuzzi, living room furniture, desk chair, kitchen table, breakfast bar…Hell, we'd should just torch the whole bungalow." She gave him a playful slap on the arm. He flinched away with a big grin on his face. "What?"

* * *

After having devoured several portions of eggs, bacon and toast, Kaidan led Kimbri out on hike into the woods to the south of the bungalow. It felt both good and a little silly walking holding hands like they were teenagers. Kimbri couldn't help stealing glances at her former lieutenant at intervals. Every so often he'd catch one and would give her a lop-sided smile. She thought it was adorable how one eye would get all squinty when he smiled like that.

There were so many things that he wanted to learn about her. So many things that he had realized that he never had the chance to learn during those agonizing years after her death. He had a difficult time finding a way to bring it up, though. Finally he just blurted it out. "So what's your favorite color, Shepard?"

"Blue. Remember my N7 armor on Horizon? Just like that. Metallic blue."

"Huh. I thought it was an odd choice for your armor. Not exactly a shade to help you blend into the shadows, you know."

She shrugged. "I don't need shadows as long as I have a non-explosive crate or two to hide behind." She looked sidelong at him for a moment, trying to guess his before giving up and asking him. "What about you?"

"Well, it depends. If it's to wear, I like black."

"Mmm…you look extremely sexy in black."

Color blossomed along his cheekbones and his voice became softer. "If it's a color to look at, it would be a pale blue-green." He pulled her to a stop, holding her face in his hands and running his thumbs under her eyes. "With gold flecks to be exact." Kaidan read on her face the conflicting longing to lose herself in his eyes versus the need to give into shyness. The shyness won out, her lids and lashes sweeping downward. He kissed each lid tenderly. "You know, I missed seeing your eyes. How they saw _me_, not just the L2 marine technician. How they would flash with anger. Or how they seemed to glaze over with excitement during a firefight." He pulled her close and brushed her lips with his own. "How they would turn to molten pools of blue when they looked at me when we were alone—or felt no one was paying attention." He closed his own eyes. "After 2 years, I was afraid that those memories were fading—that I would eventually lose them completely."

Kimbri reached up and pulled his mouth to hers. "That's so very sweet, Kaidan." She deftly slipped out of his arms and pulled him forward, scanning the ground. "Come on, loverboy. Let's keep moving. I don't particularly care to succumb to your charms out here and end up with poison ivy."

They took turns asking questions—inconsequential at first and becoming more personal. Kimbri looked over Kaidan with a sly grin. "Okay, Alenko. How about this? Name a guilty pleasure that you like to indulge in." At his slightly startled expression she amended, "And you can leave out any topic that Joker would find interesting." If he did visit extranet asari fettish sites, she _really_ didn't want to know.

"Well," Kaidan began hesitantly, rubbing his forehead with the back of his hand, "my parents had eclectic tastes in music. My mother used to have me help her with chores around the house and to pass the time she would sing to me. Eventually, I learned many of the songs and sang them with her while we did things together. They have just become a nice reminder of my childhood, and of my mother."

"That's really cute, Kaidan. What kinds of songs were they?"

His color deepened. "Uh…twentieth century musicals."

Kimbri gave a little giggle, giving him a side-long look. "Really?"

"You weren't supposed to laugh, Shepard," Kaidan retorted, starting to look and sound annoyed.

His companion caught his changing mood. "I'm sorry. Its just weird. My father used to play some old discs of that variety in his study when he was working." She paused for a moment then asked, "Can I hear some of the songs that you learned?"

"Um…no. I can't really…I don't sound…" He didn't finish but his full blush demonstrated his embarrassment at the idea of singing for her.

She stopped in front of him, looking up at him from under lowered lashes. "Please?" He looked away from her, shaking his head and clamping his mouth shut.

She reached up, wound her fingers behind his neck and gave him a long, lingering kiss. "Pretty please?" she breathed against his parted lips.

Kaidan rest his head against hers. "You don't play fair, Shepard."

She smirked at him. "I never claimed to, Alenko."

He didn't really want to see her watching him as he struggled with his memory and with his voice. So he pulled her against him, his lips close to her ear.

"_I've grown accustomed to her face._

_She almost makes the day begin._

_I've grown accustomed to the tune_

_She whistles night and noon._

_Her smiles her frowns her ups her downs_

_Are second nature to me now_

_Like breathing out and breathing in…"_

His voice was deep and husky. It rumbled in his chest and she felt the vibrations in her own since he held her close. She nuzzled his cheek. "Mmm..._My Fair Lady_ was a favorite of my favorite of dad's."

Kaidan smiled and looked at her expectantly. "Your turn."

"That wasn't the deal."

He smirked at her. "This is a guilty pleasure for you, too. So I'm changing the rules. Sue me."

Kimbri took a deep breath and started a more mournful tune.

"_Look at me and tell me who I am_

_Why I am—What I am_

_Call me a fool and it's true I am_

_I don't know who I am._

_It's such a shame—I'm such a sham_

_No one knows who I am."_

She skipped ahead.

"_Am I the face of the future?_

_Am I the face of the past?_

_Am I the one who must finish…last?_

_Look at me and tell me who I am_

_Why I am—what I am_

_Will I survive—who will give a damn?_

_If no one knows who I am_

_Nobody knows_

_Not even you_

_No one knows who I am."_

There was silence for a moment. Kaidan couldn't help but wonder why she chose that particular song. It was true, though. The galaxy had its visions of her and various factions all wanted something from her. But none of them really cared about _her_—only what they could gain from her. And as long as she completed her mission, they didn't care about the personal outcome for her. He hoped that she didn't still place him in that category.

Kimbri misinterpreted the silence. She looked up at him. "Don't know that one? Not surprising. It was a bit more obscure—_Jekyll and Hyde."_

Kaidan mentally shook himself, trying to avoid the gloomy thoughts. "Perhaps you know this one."

"_No more talk of darkness, forget these wide-eyed fears_

_I'm here, nothing can harm you—my words will warm and calm you._

_Let me be your freedom, let daylight dry your tears._

_I'm here, with you, beside you, to guard you and to guide you…"_

Kimbri smiled broadly and joined him with her soprano voice.

"_Say you love me every waking moment,_

_Turn my head with talk of summertime…_

_Say you need me with you, now and always…_

_Promise me that all you say is true—that's all I ask of you…"_

She kissed him again. "_Phantom of the Opera_ was my favorite growing up. I even read the book. I loved the story. So dark, so gothic." She stared up intently at him.

His lips curled into a knowing smile. "You're picturing me with a white half-mask, aren't you?"

"Mmm. Do you know _Music of the Night_? That was always my favorite."

Kaidan thought for a moment then sang softly into her ear.

"_Night time sharpens, heightens each sensation…_

_Darkness stirs and wakes imagination…_

_Silently the senses abandon their defenses…_

_Slowly, gently night unfurls its splendor…_

_Grasp it, sense it—tremulous and tender…_

_Turn your face away from the garish light of day,_

_Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light—_

_And listen to the music of the night…_

_Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams!_

_Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before!_

_Close your eyes, let your spirit start to soar!_

_And you'll live as you've never lived before…"_

Kaidan skipped ahead, Kimbri having unbuttoned his shirt during his serenade.

"_Let your mind start a journey through a strange new world!_

_Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before!_

_Let your soul take you where you long to be!_

_Only then can you belong to me…_

_Floating, falling, sweet intoxication_

_Touch me, trust me, savour each sensation_

_Let the dream begin, let your darker side give in_

_To the power of the music that I write—_

_The power of the music of the night…"_

But the end of the song, his shirt was completely removed and she had started working on his pants. Thus ended their attempt to "come up for air."


	16. Chapter 16:  Battlestar Galactica

BioWare owns all except for BSG, which I also don't own.

Thanks to Brodyaha and NightOdie for being great betas and helping me with my final chapters.

This chapter contains no ME3 spoilers. However, it does make reference to the events of Arrival.

Mood Music: "All Along the Watchtower" from BSG Season 3 by Bear McCreary

* * *

**Chapter 16: Battlestar Galactica**

Kaidan awoke to the sounds of Kimbri rummaging around in the living room. He rolled out of bed, located his discarded boxers, threw them on, and padded into the next room. He leaned against the wall with amusement as she bent in front of the holodisplay unit. The orange display flared into multicolored images, however rather than the holographic display that was typical of recorded entertainment, these images were flat. Kaidan walked into the living room, his head tilted in fascination at the old vid, as he sat on the couch and tried to place the ancient program within his knowledge base. Kimbri sat next to him on the couch, snuggling close to him with a nostalgic smile on her lips.

"Kimbri, what is this? I don't think I've seen it before."

She shrugged, "Just an old space drama that Dad used to watch. I don't know why he liked something so ancient, but in the evenings he often would watch an episode. I would sit in his lap and watch the starfighters. Despite the ancient special effects, it really captured my imagination. Since we lived on various starships throughout my childhood, I could relate." She was thoughtful for a moment and then continued. "The story is about humanity fighting for their existence after a race of sentient machines destroyed their civilization. So I guess I can still relate to it."

They watched in silence for a while, enjoying just being together and doing something as mundane as snuggling and watching a vid together. Onscreen, a female soldier with cropped blonde hair overturned a table, starting a fight with a superior officer that had been slinging insults at her. A corner Kaidan's mouth quirked up into a half-smile as he looked down at the woman next to him, realizing the impact of the strong female lead character must have had on a younger version of Kimbri. In addition to Kimbri's Alliance parents, this character likely inspired a lot of hopes and dreams for the woman when she was still young and untried in the galaxy.

As the conversations in the vid played, he came to another realization. "So that's where you get it."

She looked up at him, confused. "Get what?"

"I've never met a marine before who shied from the word _fuck_. But you use _frak_. I've always wondered where that came from. Now I know." He smirked at her. "But its still rather funny."

"Fine," she teased, giving her words a false note of hurt. "Just go ahead and laugh it up, Alenko." She stood up, stretched and padded toward the hallway, a playful smile belying her words. "I think its time for me to take a shower."

As she disappeared through the doorway, Kaidan moved to the desk turned on the computer console, knowing that he had at least a half hour. _Probably should check in with the brass. _After only a few keystrokes, he found several messages that were marked as "urgent"-all from Admiral Hackett, all demanding that he videocom the Admiral immediately.

Kaidan sighed and looked longingly toward the hallway, down which the echos of Shepard getting undressed for her shower travelled, teasing him. _Why do I always have to be the good little soldier?_After a few more keystrokes, a holographic image of a grizzled older man in dress blues with a scar running down the right side of his face appeared over the keyboard.

"Commander Alenko. I take it that you have found the time for _shore leave_during your mission, considering the fact that you haven't seen fit to return my messages the past several days."

In the past, the reproach would have caused Kaidan to look down and shift in his seat. But since the loss of the original _Normandy_he had changed. He had to learn how to put up a mask with a carefully cultivated expression of indifference. In addition he could project an aura of respect upon that mask, as he did now. But over the years he had perfected the illusion to the point where if he wished, no one could see past the facade into his real thoughts and feelings.

"Admiral, Councilor Anderson's instructions were clear. They were to locate Commander Kimbri Shepard, to ensure her physical and emotional stability, to convince her to return to Alliance headquarters to answer for the unfortunate events in the Viper Nebula, and to escort her to said meeting. The first two points have been accomplished. The final two I am currently engaged in completing. Councilor Anderson gave me no timeline to complete these objectives. I think, considering the physical and emotional toll that she was put through in the past several months as well as the years prior, two weeks to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually is not too much to ask for."

Hackett eyed Kaidan suspiciously, searching for any hint of personal feeling on which to accuse the man. As always in the past three years, however, Commander Alenko remained the picture of professionalism. The older man let out a long breath, his tone becoming less formal. "Granted, Commander. Shepard has probably earned a two week furlough. I don't think that two years on a slab in a morgue being rebuilt can count as rest. But Alenko, don't wait much longer. You have no idea of the political ramifications of-"

"With all due respect, Admiral," Kaidan interrupted, inwardly smiling at the memory of Ashley Williams that the phrase inevitably invoked, "I am fully aware that your grasp of the political situation is much greater than my own. And I understand that a gesture must be made to appease the Batarian government. However, I've been out in the field, Admiral. I've spent a lot of time out in the Terminus assessing our defenses as well as getting a feel for the state of readiness of the galaxy as a whole. It's grim, Sir. In my opinion, we have to turn our attention to the larger picture here. And Shepard is key to it." The superior officer stared directly at the younger man. After a few moments of neither man blinking, he nodded assent. "Perhaps you're right, Commander. I'll take that into consideration. Hackett out." The holographic feed cut out abruptly. Kaidan leaned back in his chair, letting out a slow deep breath that he hadn't realized that he had been holding.

* * *

After having undressed for her shower, Kimbri's lips quirked up in a mischievous expression. She stalked down the hallway, thinking to surprise her former lieutenant. When she heard voices in the next room, she stopped in the hallway, her back against the wall. The second voice, though threaded with the static of a holoconference was undeniably that of Admiral Hackett.

She listened intently to the conversation, hating that she was eavesdropping, but after all, it did concern her intimately. _Return to the Alliance._ She knew that she had promised Hackett that she would do so after defeating the Collectors. However, the very idea of having to return shattered the fragile little fantasy that she and Kaidan has built the past week and a half. _I am going to have to return to the Alliance._ With that thought weighing heavily upon her, all playful notions of enticing Kaidan to join her in the shower vanished. Instead, she was left profoundly disquieted and utterly ill in spirit, mind, and body.

* * *

Mood Music for Chapter 17: "Falling Inside" by Skillet; "One Moment More" by Mindy Smith; "Beauty from Pain" by Superchick


	17. Chapter 17: Falling Inside the Black

As with every other chapter, BioWare owns the toys.

Thanks again to Brody and to NightOdie for helping even though this was a long chapter to go through.

This chapter contains no ME3 spoilers, only references to Arrival.

Mood Music: "Falling Inside" by Skillet; "One Moment More" by Mindy Smith; "Beauty from Pain" by Superchick

* * *

The past week and-a half had been wonderful. Nothing else existed. No Collectors, no Reapers, no ship full of misfits, no Cerberus and no Alliance. Now with Hackett's comm, that fragile fantasy world had been shattered. Not that she had ever truly forgotten reality. Every morning she spent a few moments beating back the oppressive thoughts of having to return to her life and duties of the galaxy outside of Chakwas's retirement property.

She trudged to the shower, hoping that the warm water hitting her skin would wash away her uncertainties. Instead, Chakwas's shower stall only seemed to remind her of the one in her loft-and of starting every miserable grueling day of the previous months in that stall doing the same thing—trying to let the water wash away her anxieties and loneliness as it cascaded down her skin and vanished down the drain. What was going to happen when she and Kaidan left? She didn't know. Would the Alliance throw her in the brig? Would they pardon her and take her back? Could she even go back? After all, she had a crew full of people who had left the Alliance and likely wouldn't or couldn't return. Did she even _want_ to return to the Alliance? Apart from being being with Kaidan, of course. But then if she _did_ return to the Alliance, she and Kaidan would be in the same dilemma that they had been nearly three years ago—regs. It had been wonderful working next to him every day—for him to have her back on missions. But it had also been a type of hell. They had to watch their every look, word, and touch. It had only worsened after Ilos. Kimbri didn't know how that had changed for Kaidan after their night together. But for her, ignorance had been bliss in a way. Before, her body hadn't really known what it was missing. After…well it took all of her self-restraint to keep from throwing him against his work station, witnesses be damned.

Kaidan never would have allowed that, however. _Always too damned preoccupied with the appearance of professionalism._

* * *

_It had been 2 weeks after the attack on the Citadel. For Kimbri most of that first week had been taken up by a seemingly endless stream of debriefings and meetings. She had caught a glimpse of her lieutenant once or twice in passing those first couple of days as his statements were taken, but that was all. She was a celebrity now. _Savior of the Citadel_ they called her. Her face was plastered all over the vid news. At night, exhausted from reliving that hellish day over and over again during meeting after meeting with the various powers that be, she had to wade through a sea of reporters, fans, and supplicants before she could retire to her officer quarters for the evening to try to catch a few hours of sleep before starting the process all over again. There wasn't any way that Kaidan would be able to sneak into her quarters unnoticed. She sure as hell couldn't slip down to his barracks unobserved—even if he had a room to himself, which was unlikely. She hadn't realized how _much_ a part of her everyday life Kaidan had become. He was her best friend and now her lover. His absence was alike a constant dull ache in her chest._

_At the end of the first week, the interrogations were completed. She had hoped that it would mean leave for herself and for her crew—that she and Kaidan perhaps could finally get to that "down time" that they had anticipated for so long. But such wasn't her luck. With the Council gone and many C-Sec officers as well as Alliance officers lost in the battle of the Citadel, the command structure was a mess. Kimbri was asked to help with organizing the restructure. Well, _asked_ was putting it nicely._

_The higher-ups amongst the Citadel races had made it clear in her meetings that they did not wish to alarm the general public with the knowledge of the pending Reaper threat. It was better, according to their way of thinking, that the populace think that the assault on the Citadel was an isolated strike by the geth—an enemy that they knew rather than some boogie-man of childhood fears. Lieutenant Commander Shepard was ordered to stick to the party line on. So she knew that her communications via her Alliance accounts would be highly monitored. Hence, Kimbri knew that she couldn't just sent Kaidan a message to try to find a few moments to meet on the Citadel. Perhaps if she had his encryption and hacking skills, she could have managed it without the contents of the message being intercepted, but still it would be known that she sent a message to her lieutenant—and a secured message to boot. _

_So Kimbri used her omni-tool to contact her team. She pinged all of their 'tools with a brief message asking for their status. Wrex was preparing to leave for Tuchanka now that public transport was again possible. Garrus was working with C-sec again to help restore order to the wards due to a large amount of looting and crime flaring up in the wake of the disaster. Tali was helping to restore the computer systems of Citadel control, but in her message she sounded antsy. She wished to return home to her fleet to deliver the intel on the geth that she had collected and to officially end her pilgrimage. Liara's telepathic abilities were being put to use in the medical clinic to help soothe patients suffering from post-traumatic stress. _

_Kaidan's response was brief. He sounded…tired. He stated that he was receiving a non-ending stream of orders making use of his medic abilities at the medical clinic, his skills as a soldier in keeping the peace on the Citadel, and his tech skills in re-establishing the communication system of the capitol. She was disappointed that there wasn't anything more to his message—nothing…personal. Then again, he was nothing if not cautious when it came to regulations and he wouldn't have put anything into writing that would give them away._

_In a rare free hour that Kimbri had in the second week following the battle of the Citadel, she made her way down to the medical clinic, hoping to catch her lieutenant. Liara's smile was genuine as she spotted her friend, though Shepard felt a bit uncomfortable by the hug that the young asari gave her in welcome, but she was glad to see her team mate. Unfortunately, Liara told her, Kaidan had been pulled by C -sec about an hour before to help with a particularly tricky malfunction in a rapid transit terminal in a volatile part of the wards. Kimbri felt her heart sink, but put up a brave front to catch up with her friend._

_She never did have another opportunity to search Kaidan out._

* * *

_After a couple of weeks on the Citadel, Shepard got the call from Hackett that her team was being recalled to the _Normandy_ for duty. Pockets of geth activity needed to be investigated and removed. She felt energized for the first time in weeks. The Citadel, despite the wide open spaces, just felt confining to her. She preferred the freedom of exploring the galaxy on her own ship without constantly being under the direct supervision of Alliance brass and the shiny new Council. Most of all, she greatly anticipated seeing her favorite Staff Lieutenant again._

_Kimbri set her duffel bag onto her bed and quickly unpacked her few belongings. Then she headed out to supervise preparations for departure on the ship. Joker reassured her that the _Normandy_ was completely repaired from its few injuries acquired in the battle against _Sovereign, _which Tali was able to confirm. Garrus had the Mako in top shape and himself seemed as antsy to leave Citadel space and the watchful eyes of "Big Brother" as she was._

_She walked into the mess and her heart gave a little stutter. _Kaidan_. She was sorely tempted to stand there and drink in the sight of him—re-memorizing every detail. One side of his mouth curled into his subtle smile, his eyes sweeping toward the spot across from himself in invitation. She crossed the room and lowered herself into the indicated chair. Kimbri's eyes caressed every line of his face—his cheekbones, his full expressive eyebrows, the criss-cross scar over his left lower lip that extended along his chin. Her eyes dropped to his hands laying on the table. She scanned the area. _No crew present._ Shepard reached across the table, brushing his hand with her own. She felt a jolt go through her body, whether from their biotics or from pure attraction she couldn't tell. She slipped her hand into his, her voice coming out practically as a purr, "Long time, Alenko. How've ya been?" She stared into his eyes. She had missed their brown depths with amber highlights._

"_Exhausted, Ma'am." He replied. Kaidan's smile turned teasing, "Was really hoping for some leave, though."_

"_Yeah, me too." She looked at him with a seductive smile. "I was looking forward to serving under _you_ for a change, Lieutenant."_

_The sound of rubber soles approaching on the metal deck caused the Lieutenant to retract his hands quickly into his lap, his marine mask slipping firmly into place. Kimbri felt his sudden retreat from her almost as a physical slap. _What is he so afraid of?_ she asked herself. She knew that it was necessary. But it still stung. The Commander changed the subject to one more appropriate for public hearing. "So, Lieutenant, I talked to Anderson and Hackett, about you, actually. I might not be able to call you that much longer."_

_He look was speculative, "What do you mean?"_

_She smile, delighted by fact that she was able to deliver the news to him personally. "I mean that you're up for a promotion to Lieutenant Commander, Kaidan."_

_His countenance was rigid. "Commander. Permission to speak freely—somewhere more private?"_

_Kimbri's heart sped up. Now she really was glad that she got to be the one to tell him. "Certainly, Lieutenant. Lead the way." She couldn't help that her voice had dropped into the low tone that was reserved for Kaidan in their few moments of private conversation. He crossed the mess toward her cabin. Her mind was out of control, imagining what he would do to her when that door closed behind them. There wasn't an evening (or morning for that matter) that had gone by the past several weeks where she hadn't desperately craved his hands on her, her mind inventing various tasks to keep those hands busy._

_The door _whooshed_ closed behind them and Kaidan pressed the lock button. Kimbri grabbed his neck and locked onto his mouth with hers. She felt his lips respond briefly, then stop and a strong hand grabbed her arm, spinning her away from him. "Have you completely lost your mind, Shepard?"_

_For the second time in five minutes, she felt like he had slapped her. What she had imagined would happen behind the closed door and what _had_ happened were so incongruous, that she felt disoriented. "What are you talking about, Alenko?"_

"_Petitioning the brass for my promotion. Looking at me like you're a cat and I'm the canary in the middle of the _mess hall._ And now this." He waved around the room, his breathing heavy, yet he kept his voice low and quiet._

"_I am _not_ stupid, Lieutenant! I seriously doubt that I would have been selected for N7 training _or_ for this command if I were." She tried to lighten the tone a bit. "As for crazy…well," she pointed to her N7 logo, then to her biotic implant, "that's anyone's guess."_

_Kaidan turned and banged his head on the bulkhead. "So you're not going to take this seriously." It was a statement. He turned back to her, his eyes shielded but she could tell that something roiled behind that veneer. "The crew is bound to have noticed a certain…familiarity between the two of us. Pushing Alliance command for favors only draws more attention to us."_

_Shepard"s temper flared. "For your information, _Anderson_ was the one to bring it up-due to your part in taking down Saren both during the mission and then on the Citadel. I only had to add my recommendation to it. He also mentioned putting in to the Turian Hierarchy for special commendation for Garrus for his role in the battle against Saren. So there was no impropriety on my part." She crossed her arms over her chest. "As for the crew, you really think that the brass hasn't heard rumors about the two of us? They probably started long before there was any truth to them!" She willed herself to calm as she crossed over to him. She looked into his deep brown eyes, laying a hand on his cheek. "Besides, Anderson hasn't said anything to me about it—he hasn't even hinted at something between us. The old man has a soft spot for me. As long as we aren't flaunting it in public, I think Anderson will look the other way."_

_He moved out from her hand. "And what, Kimbri? I'd shack up with you here in your bunk at night and skulk off every morning hoping no one would notice?"_

"_Well, yeah, kinda. But I wouldn't put it quite like that."_

_Kaidan's voice lowered, sounding dangerous. "Do you have _any_ idea of what that would do? We both know that the crew is already suspicious."_

"_Kaidan, I honestly don't think that it would change our relationship with the crew. They respect me for what I do—I get the job done and with as little collateral damage as possible. I don't think they care _who_ I do." Kaidan cringed at her phrasing, rubbing the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger. She continued, "Besides, the sexual tension between us can be cut with knife. Venting some of that in private would probably take the edge off of the awkwardness for the team in trying to ignore," she trailed her fingers from the bottom end of his zipper to his inseam, "the huge _elcore_ in the room."_

_Kaidan let out an exasperated sigh, his hand capturing her wrist and removing her hand from his pants. "And if command found out, Shepard? At the very least I'd be reassigned. Or if they felt less merciful, we could both be drummed out of service."_

_Kimbri flopped down into a chair, her head falling back in frustration. "For frak's sake, Kaidan. I'm a frakking Spectre. I'm not strictly under Alliance command anymore. I should be able to rate a couple of perks for having to saved the frakking galaxy from an ancient race of sentient machines bent on extermination of all life as we know it."_

_Kaidan continued to stand, arms crossed across his chest. "But you're still Alliance, Shepard. And you're in command of an Alliance vessel with Alliance crew."_

_She shrugged. "So I resign my commission." _

_Kaidan blinked in shock. "You'd really do that?"_

"_Sure. Then I'd request you as my replacement as CO. I stay on as the resident Spectre—like Nihilus did with Captain Anderson on the shakedown cruise to Eden Prime."_

_He shook his head. "It would never work. Presley would be up for the promotion before I would. Or they would pull someone from another ship entirely."_

_She looked at him more directly. "You're forgetting that you are going to be a Lieutenant Commander in the near future. The same rank as I am. Besides, no one in the Alliance has more experience with the geth and the Reapers than you do."_

_Kaidan sounded exasperated. "That's not realistic, Shepard. I'd think with you having practically grown up in the Alliance you'd know how things work."_

"_Yes! I did. May I remind you that _both_ of my parents were in the Alliance. They were able to work it out and stay together. And, I might add, my mother didn't have the advantage of being the first human Spectre. If they could do it, so can we." Kaidan just stared at her, unbelieving. _Why was he being so stubborn? Why wouldn't he even consider that it could work? _Her gaze dropped to her boots, her voice soft, on the verge of breaking. "I care for you too much, Kaidan. I can't just do nothing. I can't pretend _nothing_ is going on."_

_His voice was even, determined. "Nothing _will_ be going on, Kimbri."_

_Shepard's eyes returned to his, panicked. "So what are you suggesting, Kaidan?"_

"_I don't know. I just know that I won't turn my back on my duty to the Alliance." He pushed the button on the wall, the door opened and he left the room._

No. You'll just turn your back on me and on us instead.

* * *

Kimbri was leaning against the wall of the shower, the water still cascading down her body as the memories assaulted her. She slid down the wall until she was sitting on the floor. She hugged her knees to her chest, fighting the melancholy that she could no longer hold back.

* * *

_She didn't believe it. She wouldn't believe that Kaidan could hold out forever. He was a man, right? It was only a matter of time before something had to give. And she would be there when it did. She just had to give him a little push. After all, he had been just as adamant prior to Ilos about the regs—about holding out until leave. Yet he had still come to her. Sure, he still needed a little encouragement. But he was _quite _willing that night. Perhaps he just needed some more reassurance, some encouragement._

_On the missions against the isolated pockets of geth she tried every trick she could think of. She let Garrus drive the Mako so that she and Kaidan would be in the back together. The space in the rover was cramped. By necessity, Kimbri's leg was pressed against Kaidan's from knee to hip. She felt almost breathless being so close to him again after so long. Her lips curved into a mischievous smile, then took her gloved hand and ran it upward from the inside of his knee. He grabbed her hand before it got to the armored cup. She twisted her hand in his and twisted her fingers between his. She looked up at his eyes, but something flickered there that she couldn't catch before he yanked his hand away and gave her a reproachful glare. Kimbri squared her shoulder and turned her glance to the back of the turian's head. _I will not let him know how much that hurt.

_The mission went well. They wiped out the pocket of sentient machines, but it had been a long battle. She went to bed exhausted, but that didn't keep the Prothean nightmares away._

_The next day she found him at the frequently malfunctioning workstation by her quarters. He was elbow-deep in the terminal and she had a lovely view of his backside. She glanced around. The crew were all asleep or at their posts elsewhere. The two officers were alone. Kimbri ran her hands down his sides, loving the feel of hard muscle under the stretchy fabric. Her hands travelled to his firm butt and gave it a playful slap._

_He whirled around, hitting his arm on the console as he did so. "Damn it, Shepard." He took a couple of steps toward her. "Like I told you before Ilos, what we did couldn't change things. This has got to stop. You can't—"_

_She forced her expression and tone to turn icy, trying desperately to hide the depth of hurt from him. "Don't worry, Lieutenant. I'll leave you alone to your work from now on." She quickly turned on her heel and marched away to her quarters before her fragile façade broke._

_She didn't sleep much at all that night. The nightmares came at her relentlessly._

_The following day they found another pocket of geth that had overrun a Serta testing facility in the traverse. She was climbing into the Mako with Tali and Garrus as she when she caught a flash of dark red armor running up to the rover. "Commander. I'm sorry for being late. I wasn't notified of our departure time."_

_Kimbri kept her tone as neutral and professional as she was able. "Don't worry about it, Lieutenant. It was not an oversight. I need Tali's tech expertise with the geth and Garrus' sniper abilities for this mission. Your assistance will not be necessary today." She turned and finished climbing into the vehicle, but not before catching the subtle change in his expression. She doubted that any one less attuned to the man would have been able to discern the look of disappointment and disapproval under his _perfect marine_ mask. Part of her wanted to relent. But she had already made the call. _He's the one that set the new ground rules. I'm just following them. _Both Garrus and Tali gave her a questioning look. She raised her right hand to her ear. "Ready when you are, Joker," she said without preamble. She had no desire to discuss this with her friends. _Hell, I don't even know how to explain it all to myself.

_The nightmares kept coming and so did the geth clean-up missions. She continued to avoid Kaidan. She chose either Tali or Liara to accompany herself and Garrus on missions. She took her meals and coffee in her quarters. She knew that it was a bit childish of her. Any other fear in her life she'd take head-on. But she didn't know how to how to deal with her broken heart. It wasn't like you could shoot at that kind of problem or throw a singularity at it. She wished she could. It would have been easier. And she was sure that the wounds from such a battle would hurt a hell of a lot less. He didn't want her and she just didn't trust herself to be close to him without breaking down. The anger and the grief were so roiled up in her that if she was in close proximity she wasn't sure which would happen—if she would flat out deck him or if she would plead with him to take her back. She wouldn't let either happen. Both would be a display of weakness. She was Commander Fucking Shepard, dammit. A Reaper didn't take her down. Neither would a mere man. _Even if he is…

"_Commander?" a crisply accented voice interrupted. Kimbri was relieved. She didn't want to go down that road of thought. She looked up at the ship doctor. "Could I speak with you for a moment?"_

"_Of course," Kimbri replied, getting up and following Dr. Chakwas to the med bay. Upon entering, Kimbri stiffened. Kaidan was laying on the only occupied gurney._

_Chakwas noticed the direction of her gaze. "Don't worry, Commander. He can't hear us. I gave him enough medication to make him sleep for several hours."_

"_He didn't ask for the alternative treatment?" Shepard asked, trying to keep her voice neutral. Every time she thought that his indifference couldn't hurt any more, it seemed that something else popped up to further twist the knife in her heart._

"_No, Shepard. His migraines have been getting worse all week." The doctor's voice was filled with compassion. "As have your nightmares, I understand."_

_Kimbri gave the medical officer a sharp look, then glanced away. "I'm fine—"_

"_You are _not_ fine, Shepard," Chakwas retorted, shining a light in the CO's eyes. "Caffeine does not make up for sleep. I checked with Navigator Presley. It will take approximately 54 hours before we reach the next pocket of geth infiltration." She reached into a cabinet and removed a bottle of pills, shaking four into her palm. "I want you to take these. They will allow you to sleep without the dreams." She placed the medication into Shepard's palm._

_Kimbri sighed, but knew the soundness of her logic. _And it would be so nice to sleep without the nightmares for once.

_Chakwas glanced back at the man in the bed, then looked very directly at Shepard. "Another thing, Commander. Whatever happened between you and Lieutenant Alenko…I want you to make an effort to rectify it." Kimbri opened her mouth to protest the assertion. Chakwas held up a hand to ward off the younger woman's protests. "Don't bother to deny it, Shepard. I saw the both of you together when each of you would let barriers down during his treatments." Again Kimbri opened her mouth to explain but was cut off again. "You did a good job of keeping it as professional as possible-even moving the treatments here under my supervision when I expect the temptation was grew too strong, yes?" Shepard looked sheepish and simply nodded, unsure what to say. The doctor chuckled, a knowing smile spreading across her face and her tone turning teasing, "Well with the exception of that night before Ilos, I would guess."_

_Kimbri's eyes grew large. "What?"_

"_My dear, the two of you were simply radiant—you especially. And it wasn't due to biotics." She gave the younger woman a sly look. "Or was it?"_

_Shepard couldn't look at her. She was thoroughly embarrassed that they had been as transparent as Kaidan had told her that they had been. "Does anyone else…"_

"_Know? No, my dear. I have a different…perspective on the situation than the others." She paused, adding almost as an afterthought, "By the way, after the battle on the Citadel I took the liberty to run some, well, _extra_ blood tests. They came back negative. No extra…personnel on board."_

_Shepard blushed, not looking at the older woman. "Um, thanks Doc."_

_Chakwas returned to her previous line of thought. "I do mean it about working out your differences with the Lieutenant. I believe that the strain between you two is the cause for much of the suffering on both sides. Your subconsciouses are trying to work out what your conscious minds refuse to. And it comes out as migraines on his part and nightmares on yours."_

_Kimbri looked up at the doctor, unable to hold back the misery from her expression anymore. "I don't think I can help, there, Doctor. I don't think it can be fixed. I tried. He doesn't…" she couldn't finish. She looked down, running her hands through her hair, "I wander if he _ever_…if it was just…" Kimbri managed to hold the tears back, but just barely._

_Doctor Chakwas put her arms around her. "Well then promise me this instead. If Kaidan comes to you , please don't be too hard on him. Give him a chance to make things right, yes?"_

_Shepard simply nodded, then left the medbay for the solace of her own quarters._

* * *

_Shepard was awakened by a knocking on her door. She looked at the clock. She had slept a full 14 hours without someone declaring a state of emergency for her to come and fix. _A miracle._ She thought again. _No. Not a miracle. More likely Chakwas gave orders for the CO not to be disturbed. _She chuckled to herself._ Then who is this idiot who dared to disobey the doctor's orders?

"_Shepard? A smoky voice quietly inquired in the dark room, then thought better of it. "Uh, I will come back later. Sorry to disturb you, Commander." He started to retreat from the doorway._

_Kimbri closed her eyes, wanting to tell him to frak off. Instead, she turned on a dim light, "No, I'm up now, Lieutenant. You might as well come in." He took a few paces into the room so that the door would close behind him and stood halfway between attention and a parade-rest. She rolled herself out of the bed, feeling insecure and vulnerable in the reclined position._

"_Shepard, we have to talk." Her whole body tensed. She hated that phrase with a passion. He continued. "I would like an explanation as to why you have stopped taking me on missions and why you have ceased speaking with me as you used to regarding the outcome of those missions."_

_Kimbri affected the most proper bearing in tone and manner of which she was capable. "Lieutenant. I believe you stated a preference that I not look at, touch, or speak to you as I had previously. So I complied with your wishes accordingly. As to the missions, it was easier to perform that request without you aboard a cramped vehicle. In addition, there were other squad members whose skills I required." She took a breath, squaring her shoulders fully. "You stated quite clearly before Ilos that our actions could not change things or be allowed to effect the crew. I misread your intent for a one night stand as something more and I apologize for behavior which subsequently caused you embarrassment or discomfort." She turned her back to him, turning on her computer and looking at the screen. "Dismissed, Lieutenant." She added angrily under her breath, not thinking he would overhear, "I can't believe I fell for the oldest line in the book."_

_A hand grabbed her and spun her around. She raised a hand of her own, a ball of blue fire dancing between her fingers. "_Don't_ touch me."_

_Alenko's eyes were wary, his voice was barely audible. "Shepard, what do you mean? One night stand? Oldest line?"_

_Her anger and hurt, pent up over the last several days came out as a hiss. "What do I mean, Lieutenant? I mean your, _'Hey baby, I go to war tomorrow and might not make it back. So make a soldier's last night a good one'_ ploy." Her voice barely a growl, her eyes narrowed and dangerous. "And I fell for it. Hook. Line. And sinker. Stupid romantic, gullible sap that I am." Blue flames danced across her eyes and lips._

_Kaidan fell back into the nearby chair as if he had been shot. All shielding was stripped from his face, revealing an unfathomable depth of hurt in his liquid brown eyes. His voice came in a choked whisper. "Is _that_ what you think of that night—of me?" His eyes were pleading. "How could you think that?"_

_A large part of her wanted to go to him, to comfort him. But wasn't he the one that had left her? A sharp laugh escaped her lips. "Where have _you_ been? You screwed me. We didn't see each other for several weeks, then when we finally were together again, you made it perfectly clear that anything further between us was impossible. Then you rebuffed any advances that I offered. What the _frak_ else was I supposed to think, Kaidan!"_

_His elbows were on the table in front of him, his hands in his hair and his eyes firmly glued to the table. "I don't know," he whispered. "Hearing it from that perspective, I don't know how else you could have interpreted it. But I didn't mean it like that. I just…I was so afraid of messing this up by breaking regs _again_ and getting us split up. And you seemed hell bent on undermining what I was doing trying to keep us at least on the same ship together. I didn't see that was completely messing this up another way." He looked up at her, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "I love you, Shepard. I never meant to hurt you."_

_She stood frozen for a moment, her eyes welling up uncontrollably. "You love me?"_

_He looked at her as if she were daft. "Of course. The night before Ilos, I _never_ would have—if I didn't." He looked back down, his cheeks blazing._

_Kimbri closed the distance to him, running her fingers through his hair and pulling his head to rest against her chest. She kissed the top of his head. "I love you, too, Kaidan," she whispered, her throat feeling swollen. He pulled her into his lap, then kissed each salty line of tears streaking her face. His hand cupped the back of her head and his lips started to move almost as if murmuring a silent litany against her wet, salty lips. His tongue hungrily sought out hers. She swung a leg around from sitting side-saddle to straddling his lap, which gave her better balance. His lips crushed against hers with bruising strength as his hands slid down to the small of her back to press her firmly against himself. She felt a hard heat throb against her and her own moist response. She moaned against his mouth. Kaidan pushed her back slightly on his lap and rested his forehead against hers, trying to catch his breath._

"_Kimbri, I'll make you a deal. I'll help you try to find a way for us to do this right, if you promise to help me keep the regs unbroken—at least in the most technical sense."_

"_Will you stay with me sometimes at night?" Her gaze dropped down from his to the hands that she was wringing in her lap. "The Prothean dreams have been getting worse."_

_He lifted her chin and kissed her lips gently. "Yeah. Chakwas said your nightmares were increasing. She seemed to think that our…misunderstanding was bringing them out."_

"_She said the same thing about your migraines. She's a sly one, though. Did you know she knew about—"her eyes darted to the bed as she said, "Ilos?"_

_Kaidan smirked. "Figures she would."_

"_Kaidan?" she asked, looking at him shyly from lowered lashes._

_He lightly ran a finger across her cheek. "Yeah?"_

"_You didn't answer if you would stay."_

_He leveled a serious look at her. "Do you agree to the deal?"_

_She nodded. "Yes."_

"_Then I'll stay when I can without being noticed—at least for a certain portion of the night." He looked seriously at her. "But it will make keeping the second half of our bargain significantly more difficult."_

_She looked at him a bit slyly,her tone sultry and seductive. "Wouldn't it help with the migraines if I provided some...stress relief for you?"_

_He chuckled, then whispered against her lips as a hand cupped a breast, his thumb stroking her nipple. "I'm sure we could both use a little _stress relief_ as you put it."_

_She pulled back, confused. "But you said we wouldn't—"_

_Kaidan pulled her body firmly against his again. "There are a lot of things that I'm not counting as breaking the regs _technically_." He began kissing her neck, one hand returning to her breast. The other hand pressed against her hips, rocking them rhythmically against him. "Care if I demonstrate some of them to you?" She could only moan in response._

_Later as she rested in his arms, both their bodies relieved of some tension, she asked, "Kaidan? How are we going to going to work this out to make it right?"_

_He held her more tightly against his body and kissed her hair. "I don't know, Kimbri."_

* * *

Mood Music for Chapter 18: "Pain" by This Beautiful Republic; "Another Day" by Paramore


	18. Chapter 18: Promotion: spoiler free

BioWare own all the toys as always.

This is the spoiler-free version of the chapter. If you don't know the meaning of Kaidan's outfit in the ME3 promo pic with Shepard and Liara, this is the version you want. If you know what it means, you are safe to skip to the next page and read the "spoiler" version of the chapter (its slightly better, IMO). Events of the _Arrival_ DLC are referred to.

Thanks to Brodyaha and to Nighttodie for their help in beta'ing and making this chapter better for you all. :)

Mood Music: "Pain" by This Beautiful Republic; "Another Day" by Paramore

* * *

Following his communication with Hackett, Kaidan had decided to laze on the bed and wait for Kimbri to finish her shower. He wasn't sure how long he had hovered on the edge of consciousness, running through the memories he and Kimbri had built over the past two weeks—swimming, laying in the sun, walks in the woods, biotics exercises, and of course the more intimate moments. They had talked about what it was like to grow up on star ships versus on land, how their childhoods differed in general. They had compared how each had discovered that their biotic abilities and how they were trained. He opened up more about what BAaT was like than just the overview that he had given her in the beginning. As much as he thought he knew her before the destruction of the _Normandy_, he knew her infinitely deeper now. And she knew more about him than probably all of the people he had ever let into his life combined. _And now I have to escort her back to Earth-for what? Court martial? For an inquiry? For reinstatement to the Alliance?_ Each of those possibilities held a different set of complexities for her. None of those were likely to be optimal to allow her to take on the Reapers.

Kaidan's musing was distracted by the continued sound of running water. What was odd that although there had been steam in the bathroom at first, there was none now. _How long has she been in there?_ He slid out of bed and wandered over to the bathroom, running his fingers through his hair. "Shepard?"

Through the frosted glass he could only see a fleshy form on the floor of the shower. He opened the door to find the woman pale and motionless, arms wrapped around her knees under the spray of freezing cold water. Kaidan quickly turned off the water and knelt down on the tiled floor. "Kimbri? Are you hurt? What happened?"

She looked up at him and almost through him, her blue eyes glassy. "Wh-what are w-we g-going t' do, K-kai—" she managed to get out before the chattering of her teeth completely took over. Kaidan grabbed a towel, wrapped it around her and dragged her out of the shower stall. Her skin was like ice and the severe constriction of blood vessels was evident in the lacy pattern of reddish-purple under her white skin. Her lips, however, were a dusky violet. The marine's medic training kicked in. He turned the hot water of the Jacuzzi full-blast, allowing the tub to fill. He wrapped Shepard in a couple more towels, then dashed into the bedroom to grab the comforter off of the floor. He removed the wet towels and then wrapped her in the bedding. He likely had some basic heat packs and travel thermal blankets in his pack somewhere. He also thought that getting some hot tea in her would be a good idea, but he was afraid to leave her alone that long. Instead, he sang more show tunes to her to keep her entertained and her mind alert while the tub filled at its excruciating pace.

After a couple of minutes, her teeth stopped although her skin was still ice-cold. He had her take a turn singing some of her favorites to keep her awake and so that he could hear that she was still awake while he dashed into the kitchen to throw some hot water into a mug and grabbed a packet from the cupboard. The water level in the Jacuzzi was now high enough to cover her to about her waist, which was a start. He unwrapped her and lowered her into the tub after checking that the temperature wasn't too hot. He leaned her back so that the hot water would saturate her icy scalp as well. After a few moments, some pink started to creep back into her skin and the purple lace pattern dissipated. Kaidan quickly stripped and climbed into the tub behind her, wrapping his body around hers, a slight chill running through him at the contact with her still cool skin.

He nestled his face next to hers. "Shepard," he asked with a leading tone in his voice, "care to explain to me _why_ I found you curled in a ball under a stream of ice water?"

Kimbri sighed. "Not really, no." She turned her head to better see the obstinate set to his jaw. She let out a sigh. "But I assume you're not going to let this rest until we talk it out regardless, right?"

"Let's see. I found you in a semi-catatonic state on the verge of hypothermia. Yeah. I'd say you're pretty much on the money about me not letting this go."

She made a groaning noise, then shifted so that she could burrow her face against his neck. "Its kinda like those night terrors. Except instead of being in a dream state, its more like I'm in a waking nightmare. Not that I've ever tried drugs, but kinda like what I understand post-hallucinogenic drug flashbacks are like. This and the night terrors—all complements of the load of Prothean crap that was downloaded into my brain." She let out a long, cleansing breath then continued. "When I'm driven, focused, I don't have them. But when I allow myself to slow down?" She shrugged.

Kaidan ran a hand over her back while holding her tightly with the other arm, trying to comfort her. "You've had down time for 10 days. Why only now?" he spoke in a low, calming voice.

"Focus, remember? And I'd say that I was pretty focused for most of that time." He felt her smile against his neck and then her face relaxed again. "Sometimes they are triggered if there's something emotionally disturbing."

His brow furrowed. "Have you had them before?"

If possible, she hid her eyes from his gaze even further. "Uh, yeah."

His tone expressed the frustration the he felt with her evasiveness. "And that was..."

Her body drew in even further upon itself. "After Horizon." The words came out as a barely audible whisper. His body stiffened at them memory of his idiocy, their shared idiocy that day. He pressed her body to his protectively, possessively in silent apology.

The man kissed her on the forehead then left his lips linger against the skin there as he redirected both of their thoughts, "What is it that's bothering you now, Kimbri?"

She pulled away, looking into his eyes. Her own blue ones were swimming in as-of-yet unshed tears. "You have to ask?" Her voice was thick and it was difficult for her to get it to work without faltering. "In a day or two, we leave. It's back to reality as if this was just some lovely dream that's dissipated into the ether. You escort me back to the Alliance and I…" she laid her head back down on his shoulder. He felt his skin dampen where her face rested. "I don't know what's going to happen to me." Her voice was nearly inaudible.

Kaidan leaned his cheek against her forehead and stroked her hair. "I won't let anything happen to you."

"I'd love to believe that, but it's not that simple Kaidan. Its a Court martial and the galaxy is looking for a scape goat."

"But you've broken your ties with the Illusive Man, with Cerberus." He let out a short chuckle. "You supplied the Alliance with very sensitive intel on the organization. You took out the Collectors that were threatening humanity's very to mention that their very expensive experimental ship would make a nice dowry for returning to the Alliance.."

"Then there's my crew, Kaidan. It's not just me I have to take care of. Many of them _left_ the Alliance. I don't know if they could or would want to return to it. And yet now they are associated with me and so they might not be able to return to Cerberus either."

Kaidan kept his voice soft, but with a persuasive tone to it. "Well, that's a legitimate concern. But I know that the _Normandy_ was damaged in that fight. Also feeding as well as paying wages to the crew is going to get expensive quickly. Have you thought about how you would manage that if you were to run from the hearing? Financial backing by the Alliance would certainly be an advantage wouldn't it?"

"Am I a Spectre or aren't I? Shouldn't the _Council _back me?" Kimbri once again started to feel a bit frustrated by the lack of support by her supposed allies. "I mean, I've been risking my ass to save _their _galaxy, after all."

"That's a good question, Kimbri. But the Alliance _is_ a part of the Council races now. You have to believe that they will do what's right-that they will make lip service to charges against you for the sake of politics, but in the end will let you go do what you need to do to defeat the Reapers."

Kimbri lifted her head off of his shoulder to look directly at him. "How can you still think that your precious Alliance and the Council will make this right? When have the powers-that-be ever helped us? When they gave us a mission and then Hackett sent us on all his little wild goose chases? When they misinterpreted the message from Virmire and Ash was killed? When they put us in lock down and we had to steal the _Normandy? _When they wouldn't acknowledge that the Reapers were the real threat and sent us hunting geth pockets instead-getting me killed and nearly the rest of the crew? When they refused to take me back when my only other option was Cerberus? Or was it when they allowed you to dangle out on Horizon like bait for the Collectors—without even informing you that I was alive! Or when Hackett sent me out on his super-secret mission to save his crazy-assed girlfriend that he's now going to let me hang for?"

Kaidan's gaze dropped down. "How about when they let us work next to each other day in and day out rather than reassigning us half a galaxy away from each other, wondering every day if the other was still alive or not." He looked up at her, a haunted expression in his deep brown eyes.

Kimbri could feel the tears as well as the panic rising within her, she dropped her face into her hands. "And how does that help us, Kaidan? Even if they let me off and reinstate me into the Alliance, we'd be in the same damn impossible situation as we were in two-and-a-half years ago—not being apart but never being truly together either. Always having to pretend that we meant _nothing_ to each other." She looked up at him, his haunted expression now mirrored in her eyes. "You wanted to know what triggered the waking nightmare. It was that."

Deep brown eyes met blue green ones. "Anderson knows, Kimbri."

The woman's eyes opened wide. "What? How?"

"You were right back then. It was naive to think that the brass didn't at least _suspect_ something between us. But they didn't have proof—nothing forcing their hand to act against the poster girl for the Alliance and her chronically insubordinate lieutenant." He gave her a wry smile. "But then the attack on the _Normandy_ happened. And while I was the good little soldier, marching along following their orders, something was missing. Hackett may not have noticed it. But Anderson knew me well enough. He saw through the façade to see that there was nothing left inside that shell." Kaidan's eyes turned hard. "And don't you think he didn't use that for his advantage. A man without anything to live for but duty? That's a serious weapon. Deadly." He shook himself, returning to the present. "Then you return, storm the Citadel to his office and demand information on my whereabouts. No one else on your crew. Just me." He gave her a lop-sided grin. "Subtle, as always, Shepard."

"_Death can't stop true love, it can only delay it for a little while_," she quoted. "Anderson sure as hell wasn't going to deter me."

Kaidan's voice turned husky. "I always have loved your tenacity." He gave a small chuckle then continued in a more serious tone. "Then I returned from Horizon demanding answers of him about you and Cerberus."

"Not so subtle yourself," she teased.

"Yeah, well, I was pissed. Pissed at you, pissed at Cerberus, pissed at command for not cluing me in and for sending me to Horizon to be bait in the first place." Kaidan sighed. "Then I got your message," he smiled and placed a soft kiss on her lips, "and I did as you suggested. I asked Anderson about that mysterious data package about Cerberus." The marine's quirked up in a self-knowing smirk. "Probably not the most diplomatic thing to do considering that he was my boss. He denied all knowledge of such a thing, of course. But not before I caught a flicker of surprise in his eyes. And there I had my first confirmation that the insane tale you told me on Horizon and in your message was actually possible."

Kimbri's head tilted and her brows drew together. "What did finally convince you?"

The man's eyes darted away. "Well, I went to see Liara." He returned his eyes to hers, then he reclined again in the tub and drew her to rest against himself. "I was enroute to my next assignment—the next installation colony. I finagled a stopover to happen on Ilium. Liara was…changed. I guess two years of grief will change anyone. She was harder. That idealistic young doctor was gone."

"How did she react to you?" Shepard inquired.

"Hard to say. Perhaps glad to see an old squad mate. Perhaps angry that I refused to talk to her about you after your death." He shook his head. "She probably felt that it was my place as your chosen lover to have battled the Shadow Broker for your…" Kaidan choked on the word, "remains." He paused for a moment, regrouping his thoughts. "She was generous with her story, though—for an information broker. So I guess she does still feel some lingering sense of kinship for an old teammate." Kimbri felt his muscles stiffen under her. "She even offered to show me the memories if I needed more proof."

The woman's eyes grew large in surprise. She wasn't sure she liked the idea of Liara being intimate with her Kaidan in a way that she never could be. But it would be evidence beyond doubt. For someone so reliant on logic, it would be a tempting offer. "Did you take her up on it?"

He shook his head. "She did give me an OSD, though, of Cerberus's medical files on you."

Kimbri studied him curiously."Did you look at them?"

He swallowed hard. "Not all of them. But enough. Have you seen them?"

"Chakwas has them and offered to go through them with me. But no." She squirmed uncomfortably at the thought. "I don't really remember it—it's like, aside from passing out from asphyxiation, it never happened. I went to sleep and then I woke up." She twisted to look into his eyes. "I don't know if I want my death to be more concrete—more real than that."

Kaidan closed his arms around her protectively. "Good. I know you try to be strong, to live up to your reputation as _Commander_ _Shepard_ and all, but…some of those images I wouldn't want imprinted in your mind. You have enough nightmares." He took a deep breath. "Which reminds me. Somehow you got us off topic. You're good at that, Shepard," he teased and kissed the tip of her nose. "So, all in all, Anderson know about us."

"He didn't—I mean, he couldn't do much to me being a renegade from the Alliance and all. But did it cause problems for you?"

"Kimbri, he sent me here on a mission to return you to the Alliance. He didn't need to send me, you know. He could have sent you an e-mail like he did in the past or a holo conference. And he certainly didn't have to leave the time frame of this 'mission' open ended." Kaidan turned her in his arms so that she faced him. His lips brushed hers, then he pulled her forehead to rest against his. "I think this was his way of sending an apology. He knows you well enough to know that you don't trust anything either politicians or the Alliance brass say—especially with all that has happened over the past couple of years. He knew that actions would speak louder than words. This time together was a gift to you, to both of us before all hell breaks loose again."

He let that information sink in for a moment. "I don't think he'd do that if he thought that you would actually be convicted at the hearing, or if he planned on imposing the same anti-fraternization regs upon us later. He wants you back in some capacity, Shepard. You're a valuable asset. You're a public hero—again. The Council wants to claim you publically as having been their agent all along if they can appear to have at least tried to appease the batarians for the loss of their colonies. I think you have a real good chance of coming away unscathed, Kimbri."

Shepard averted her gaze, unwilling for her love to see the pain the next thought caused her. "And if I am cleared, what are your plans, Kaidan?"

Kaidan grabbed her chin and turned her face toward him. "What do you think these past two weeks have been about, Shepard? Just another shore leave then 'See ya, have fun storming the galaxy'?" Brandy-colored depths of his eyes held his hurt.

She tried to turn away, but he held her face firmly so she could not avoid his searching gaze. "You said that you'll always be an Alliance soldier. What if the Alliance turns on me?"

"Then we negotiate them into a more reasonable position." He rose out of the tub, extending hand and pulling her with him. He lovingly dried her off then wrapped her in a robe from behind the door, and slid the second robe around himself. Kaidan's brandy-colored eyes locked onto her blue-green ones. The man tucked a soggy blonde lock behind her ear, giving her a wry grin. "You know me, Shepard. I always leave way out." He lead her out of the master bedroom and into the guest bedroom, stopping in front of the closet. "If necessary we'll make our own options-like we did with the original _Normandy._" The man took a deep breath and leaned his forehead against hers, a hand caressing each cheek. "But what I _do_ know is that whatever happens, it won't be without you. Not this time. Not even if you order me away."

Kimbri leaned forward and kissed him then whispered against his lips, "Wouldn't take anyways. You outrank me, _Staff Commander_."

He debated with himself for a moment then chose his course of action. Her returned her kiss them murmured in her ear, "Then perhaps I'll offer you a special promotion." He pulled away from her with some reluctance, opened the closet and rummaged around in his duffel bag. He turned back to her on one knee, holding out a little blue velvet box.


	19. Chapter 18:  Promotion: spoiler

BioWare own all the toys as always.

This is the spoiler version of the story. If you don't know the meaning of Kaidan's armor in the promo pic with Shepard and Liara, go back one page to the spoiler-free version of the Chapter. That very small spoiler is the only one, though. If you know what it means, you are safe to read this version of the chapter. Events of the _Arrival_ DLC are referred to.

Thanks to Brodyaha and to Nighttodie for their help in beta'ing and making this chapter better for you all. :)

Mood Music: "Pain" by This Beautiful Republic; "Another Day" by Paramore

* * *

Following his communication with Hackett, Kaidan had decided to laze on the bed and wait for Kimbri to finish her shower. He wasn't sure how long he had hovered on the edge of consciousness, running through the memories he and Kimbri had built over the past two weeks—swimming, laying in the sun, walks in the woods, biotics exercises, and of course the more intimate moments. They had talked about what it was like to grow up on star ships versus on land, how their childhoods differed in general. They had compared how each had discovered that their biotic abilities and how they were trained. He opened up more about what BAaT was like than just the overview that he had given her in the beginning. As much as he thought he knew her before the destruction of the _Normandy_, he knew her infinitely deeper now. And she knew more about him than probably all of the people he had ever let into his life combined. _And now I have to escort her back to Earth-for what? Court martial? For an inquiry? For reinstatement to the Alliance?_ Each of those possibilities held a different set of complexities for her. None of those were likely to be optimal to allow her to take on the Reapers.

Kaidan's musing was distracted by the continued sound of running water. What was odd that although there had been steam in the bathroom at first, there was none now. _How long has she been in there?_ He slid out of bed and wandered over to the bathroom, running his fingers through his hair. "Shepard?"

Through the frosted glass he could only see a fleshy form on the floor of the shower. He opened the door to find the woman pale and motionless, arms wrapped around her knees under the spray of freezing cold water. Kaidan quickly turned off the water and knelt down on the tiled floor. "Kimbri? Are you hurt? What happened?"

She looked up at him and almost through him, her blue eyes glassy. "Wh-what are w-we g-going t' do, K-kai—" she managed to get out before the chattering of her teeth completely took over. Kaidan grabbed a towel, wrapped it around her and dragged her out of the shower stall. Her skin was like ice and the severe constriction of blood vessels was evident in the lacy pattern of reddish-purple under her white skin. Her lips, however, were a dusky violet. The marine's medic training kicked in. He turned the hot water of the Jacuzzi full-blast, allowing the tub to fill. He wrapped Shepard in a couple more towels, then dashed into the bedroom to grab the comforter off of the floor. He removed the wet towels and then wrapped her in the bedding. He likely had some basic heat packs and travel thermal blankets in his pack somewhere. He also thought that getting some hot tea in her would be a good idea, but he was afraid to leave her alone that long. Instead, he sang more show tunes to her to keep her entertained and her mind alert while the tub filled at its excruciating pace.

After a couple of minutes, her teeth stopped although her skin was still ice-cold. He had her take a turn singing some of her favorites. It was to keep her awake and so that he could hear that she was still awake while he dashed into the kitchen to throw some hot water into a mug and grabbed a packet from the cupboard. The water level in the Jacuzzi was now high enough to cover her to about her waist, which was a start. He unwrapped her and lowered her into the tub after checking that the temperature wasn't too hot. He leaned her back so that the hot water would saturate her icy scalp as well. After a few moments, some pink started to creep back into her skin and the purple lace pattern dissipated. Kaidan quickly stripped and climbed into the tub behind her, wrapping his body around hers, a slight chill running through him at the contact with her still cool skin.

He nestled his face next to hers. "Shepard," he asked with a leading tone in his voice, "care to explain to me _why_ I found you curled in a ball under a stream of ice water?"

Kimbri sighed. "Not really, no." She turned her head to better see the obstinate set to his jaw. She let out a sigh. "But I assume you're not going to let this rest until we talk it out regardless, right?"

"Let's see. I found you in a semi-catatonic state on the verge of hypothermia. Yeah. I'd say you're pretty much on the money about me not letting this go."

She made a groaning noise, then shifted so that she could burrow her face against his neck. "Its kinda like those night terrors. Except instead of being in a dream state, its more like I'm in a waking nightmare. Not that I've ever tried drugs, but kinda like what I understand post-hallucinogenic drug flashbacks are like. This and the night terrors—all complements of the load of Prothean crap that was downloaded into my brain." She let out a long, cleansing breath then continued. "When I'm driven, focused, I don't have them. But when I allow myself to slow down?" She shrugged.

Kaidan ran a hand over her back while holding her tightly with the other arm, trying to comfort her. "You've had down time for 10 days. Why only now?" he spoke in a low, calming voice.

"Focus, remember? And I'd say that I was pretty focused for most of that time." He felt her smile against his neck and then her face relaxed again. "Sometimes they are triggered if there's something emotionally disturbing."

His brow furrowed. "Have you had them before?"

If possible, she hid her eyes from his gaze even further. "Uh, yeah."

His tone expressed the frustration the he felt with her evasiveness. "And that was..."

Her body drew in even further upon itself. "After Horizon." The words came out as a barely audible whisper. His body stiffened at them memory of his idiocy, their shared idiocy that day. He pressed her body to his protectively, possessively in silent apology.

The man kissed her on the forehead then left his lips linger against the skin there as he redirected both of their thoughts, "What is it that's bothering you now, Kimbri?"

She pulled away, looking into his eyes. Her own blue ones were swimming in as-of-yet unshed tears. "You have to ask?" Her voice was thick and it was difficult for her to get it to work without faltering. "In a day or two, we leave. It's back to reality as if this was just some lovely dream that's dissipated into the ether. You escort me back to the Alliance and I…" she laid her head back down on his shoulder. He felt his skin dampen where her face rested. "I don't know what's going to happen to me." Her voice was nearly inaudible.

Kaidan leaned his cheek against her forehead and stroked her hair. "I won't let anything happen to you."

"I'd love to believe that, but it's not that simple Kaidan. Its a Court martial and the galaxy is looking for a scape goat."

"But you've broken your ties with the Illusive Man, with Cerberus." He let out a short chuckle. "You supplied the Alliance with very sensitive intel on the organization. You took out the Collectors that were threatening humanity's very to mention that their very expensive experimental ship would make a nice dowry for returning to the Alliance.."

"Then there's my crew, Kaidan. It's not just me I have to take care of. Many of them _left_ the Alliance. I don't know if they could or would want to return to it. And yet now they are associated with me and so they might not be able to return to Cerberus either."

Kaidan kept his voice soft, but with a persuasive tone to it. "Well, that's a legitimate concern. But I know that the _Normandy_ was damaged in that fight. Also feeding as well as paying wages to the crew is going to get expensive quickly. Have you thought about how you would manage that if you were to run from the hearing? Financial backing by the Alliance would certainly be an advantage wouldn't it?"

"Am I a Spectre or aren't I? Shouldn't the _Council _back me?" Kimbri once again started to feel a bit frustrated by the lack of support by her supposed allies. "I mean, I've been risking my ass to save _their _galaxy, after all."

"That's a good question, Kimbri. But the Alliance _is_ a part of the Council races now. You have to believe that they will do what's right-that they will make lip service to charges against you for the sake of politics, but in the end will let you go do what you need to do to defeat the Reapers."

Kimbri lifted her head off of his shoulder to look directly at him. "How can you still think that your precious Alliance and the Council will make this right? When have the powers-that-be ever helped us? When they gave us a mission and then Hackett sent us on all his little wild goose chases? When they misinterpreted the message from Virmire and Ash was killed? When they put us in lock down and we had to steal the _Normandy? _When they wouldn't acknowledge that the Reapers were the real threat and sent us hunting geth pockets instead-getting me killed and nearly the rest of the crew? When they refused to take me back when my only other option was Cerberus? Or was it when they allowed you to dangle out on Horizon as bait for the Collectors—without even informing you that I was alive! Or when Hackett sent me out on his super-secret mission to save his crazy-assed girlfriend that he's now planning on letting me hang for?"

Kaidan's gaze dropped down. "How about when they let us work next to each other day in and day out rather than reassigning us half a galaxy away from each other, wondering every day if the other was still alive or not." He looked up at her, a haunted expression in his deep brown eyes.

Kimbri could feel the tears as well as the panic rising within her, she dropped her face into her hands. "And how does that help us, Kaidan? Even if they let me off and reinstate me into the Alliance, we'd be in the same damn impossible situation as we were in two-and-a-half years ago—not being apart but never being truly together either. Always having to pretend that we meant _nothing_ to each other." She looked up at him, his haunted expression now mirrored in her eyes. "You wanted to know what triggered the waking nightmare. It was that."

Deep brown eyes met blue green ones. "Anderson knows, Kimbri."

The woman's eyes opened wide. "What? How?"

"You were right back then. It was naive to think that the brass didn't at least _suspect_ something between us. But they didn't have proof—nothing forcing their hand to act against the poster girl for the Alliance and her chronically insubordinate lieutenant." He gave her a wry smile. "But then the attack on the _Normandy_ happened. And while I was the good little soldier, marching along following their orders, something was missing. Hackett may not have noticed it. But Anderson knew me well enough. He saw through the façade to see that there was nothing left inside that shell." Kaidan's eyes turned hard. "And don't you think he didn't use that for his advantage. A man without anything to live for but duty? That's a serious weapon. Deadly." He shook himself, returning to the present. "Then you return, storm the Citadel to his office and demand information on my whereabouts. No one else on your crew. Just me." He gave her a lop-sided grin. "Subtle, as always, Shepard."

"_Death can't stop true love, it can only delay it for a little while_," she quoted. "Anderson sure as hell wasn't going to deter me."

Kaidan's voice turned husky. "I always have loved your tenacity." He gave a small chuckle then continued in a more serious tone. "Then I returned from Horizon demanding answers of him about you and Cerberus."

"Not so subtle yourself," she teased.

"Yeah, well, I was pissed. Pissed at you, pissed at Cerberus, pissed at command for not cluing me in and for sending me to Horizon to be bait in the first place." Kaidan sighed. "Then I got your message," he smiled and placed a soft kiss on her lips, "and I did as you suggested. I asked Anderson about that mysterious data package about Cerberus." The marine's quirked up in a self-knowing smirk. "Probably not the most diplomatic thing to do considering that he was my boss. He denied all knowledge of such a thing, of course. But not before I caught a flicker of surprise in his eyes. And there I had my first confirmation that the insane tale you told me on Horizon and in your message was actually possible."

Kimbri's head tilted and her brows drew together. "What did finally convince you?"

The man's eyes darted away. "Well, I went to see Liara." He returned his eyes to hers, then he reclined again in the tub and drew her to rest against himself. "I was enroute to my next assignment—the next installation colony. I finagled a stopover to happen on Ilium. Liara was…changed. I guess two years of grief will change anyone. She was harder. That idealistic young doctor was gone."

"How did she react to you?" Shepard inquired.

"Hard to say. Perhaps glad to see an old squad mate. Perhaps angry that I refused to talk to her about you after your death." He shook his head. "She probably felt that it was my place as your chosen lover to have battled the Shadow Broker for your…" Kaidan choked on the word, "remains." He paused for a moment, regrouping his thoughts. "She was generous with her story, though—for an information broker. So I guess she does still feel some lingering sense of kinship for an old teammate." Kimbri felt his muscles stiffen under her. "She even offered to show me the memories if I needed more proof."

The woman's eyes grew large in surprise. She wasn't sure she liked the idea of Liara being intimate with her Kaidan in a way that she never could be. But it would be evidence beyond doubt. For someone so reliant on logic, it would be a tempting offer. "Did you take her up on it?"

He shook his head. "She did give me an OSD, though, of Cerberus's medical files on you."

Kimbri studied him curiously."Did you look at them?"

He swallowed hard. "Not all of them. But enough. Have you seen them?"

"Chakwas has them and offered to go through them with me. But no." She squirmed uncomfortably at the thought. "I don't really remember it—it's like, aside from passing out from asphyxiation, it never happened. I went to sleep and then I woke up." She twisted to look into his eyes. "I don't know if I want my death to be more concrete—more real than that."

Kaidan closed his arms around her protectively. "Good. I know you try to be strong, to live up to your reputation as _Commander_ _Shepard_ and all, but…some of those images I wouldn't want imprinted in your mind. You have enough nightmares." He took a deep breath. "Which reminds me. Somehow you got us off topic. You're good at that, Shepard," he teased and kissed the tip of her nose. "So, all in all, Anderson know about us."

"He didn't—I mean, he couldn't do much to me being a renegade from the Alliance and all. But did it cause problems for you?"

"Kimbri, he sent me here on a mission to return you to the Alliance. He didn't need to send me, you know. He could have sent you an e-mail like he did in the past or a holo conference. And he certainly didn't have to leave the time frame of this 'mission' open ended." Kaidan turned her in his arms so that she faced him. His lips brushed hers, then he pulled her forehead to rest against his. "I think this was his way of sending an apology. He knows you well enough to know that you don't trust anything either politicians or the Alliance brass say—especially with all that has happened over the past couple of years. He knew that actions would speak louder than words. This time together was a gift to you, to both of us before all hell breaks loose again."

He let that information sink in for a moment. "I don't think he'd do that if he thought that you would actually be convicted at the hearing, or if he planned on imposing the same anti-fraternization regs upon us later. He wants you back in some capacity, Shepard. You're a valuable asset. You're a public hero—again. The Council wants to claim you publicly as having been their agent all along if they can appear to have at least tried to appease the batarians for the loss of their colonies. I think you have a real good chance of coming away unscathed, Kimbri."

Shepard averted her gaze, unwilling for her love to see the pain the next thought caused her. "And if I am cleared, what are your plans, Kaidan?"

Kaidan grabbed her chin and turned her face toward him. "What do you think these past two weeks have been about, Shepard? Just another shore leave then 'See ya, have fun storming the galaxy'?" Brandy-colored depths of his eyes held his hurt.

She tried to turn away, but he held her face firmly so she could not avoid his searching gaze. "You said that you'll always be an Alliance soldier. What if the Alliance turns on me?"

"Then we negotiate them into a more reasonable position." He rose out of the tub, extending hand and pulling her with him. He lovingly dried her off then wrapped her in a robe from behind the door, and slid the second robe around himself. Kaidan's brandy-colored eyes locked onto her blue-green ones. The man tucked a soggy blonde lock behind her ear, giving her a wry grin. "You know me, Shepard. I always leave way out." He lead her out of the master bedroom and into the guest bedroom, stopping in front of the closet. "If necessary we'll make our own options-" he opened the doors, revealing bright blue armor with a white emblem on the left chest and right shoulder, "like we did with the original _Normandy_."

Her eyes flew open wide, her fingers running over the Spectre emblems embossed upon the ceramic amor. Too stunned for words, her eyes simply sought his asking only, "Kaidan?"

The marine shifted his weight, avoiding eye contact, his right arm bending to rub the back of his head. "Shepard, I, uh, didn't mean to..." With a mental effort, he stood straight, taking her hands and drawing her up to him again. "Look," he began, his voice steady and sure, "when I came here, I didn't know what to expect with you. And this," he nodded toward the armor, "wasn't like when you were made a Spectre. It was more of a secret assignment into the ranks. Although I technically answer the entire Council, in reality I mainly answer to Anderson." He stroked her cheek with his thumb. "At first we had so much to work out and then we found so many...distractions." His eyes dropped from hers and his voice lowered to a soft rumble. "I just didn't know how to bring it up after a while." The man took a deep breath and leaned his forehead against hers, a hand caressing each cheek. "But what I _do_ know is that whatever happens, it won't be without you. Not this time. Not even if you order me away."

Kimbri leaned forward and kissed him then whispered against his lips, "Wouldn't take anyways. You outrank me, _Staff Commander._ I can't even play my Spectre card on you anymore."

He debated with himself for a moment then chose his course of action. Her returned her kiss them murmured in her ear, "Perhaps I'll give you something better." He pulled away from her with some reluctance, rummaging around in his duffel bag. He turned back to her on one knee, holding out a little blue velvet box.


	20. Chapter 19: Answer to a Question

Chapter 19: Answer to a Question

Sorry about the long space between postings. Life got in the way, then SWTOR took over my imagination. Upon returning to the Mass Effect Universe with ME3, well, the ending just destroyed my enjoyment for the entire universe-even for Kaidan. The modified ending BioWare was so kind as to give us was just too little too late at the time. If it had been released with the original game, I think I would have accepted it. So my distaste for the franchise continued and I just kept into the Star Wars world with SWTOR. But more recently I feel Kaidan calling me back to the game. There's just nothing like him elsewhere in any game that I've played. With that and a new reader, Eleneri, asking for more, I figured I would see what I had in storage and I found this. It's a short chapter and un-beta'd. But I figured I would post it up while I had the gumption to do so.

As ever, BioWare (and the rEApers) own all. But they are kind enough to let us play in their sandbox.

* * *

Kimbri's eyes widened in surprise. "Kaidan, is that..are you..." She looked back and forth between the little blue velvet box and his face, trying to ascertain if he was asking what she thought he was. _But he hasn't actually asked anything._

He stood, capturing one of her hands and holding it to his chest, still holding the little box out to her with the other. "Shepard, I wanted to do this differently. I planned to take you to the overlook and ask you there, but...this time, this conversation...it just seemed right." His brown eyes, so dark yet filled with amber highlights when the light hit them just right, had her captivated. His hand left hers on his chest and slid over her cheek until it cupped her neck and the back of her head. "I don't want a 'way out' with you, Kimbri. Not this time. Not if you'll have me."

Tears welled up as Kimbri opened the little box. On the dark blue satin lay a petite white-gold ring studded with small diamonds and a central blue sapphire. Threaded through the ring was a man's gold herringbone chain. She lifted the chain and watched the sunlight in the room sparkle off of the dangling ring. She ran a finger along the chain, trying to place why it seemed familiar. Her head tilted and brows raised, wordlessly asking the question.

Kaidan gently took the necklace from her fingers. He closed his eyes, the weight of the delicate jewelry familiar and comforting. He looked into her eyes again, his brown eyes threatening to tear up. His voice was soft and slightly unsteady, "Shepard, I wore this for the first time under my armor on the day we were going to hunt geth on Eingana. I had heard that it was a beautiful planet-to visit anyways. I-" his eyes dropped from hers and he rubbed at the back of his neck before forcing himself to face her again, "I hoped to find a moment at the end of the mission, perhaps when the others were collecting some of the element zero deposits, to get you alone. And to give this to you there. But before we got there..." his voice broke, he turned, and took a couple of steps away from her. "The Collectors attacked and you..." Kaidan swallowed hard and his shoulders sagged. After a moment, he took a deep breath and squared his shoulders but still faced away from her. "After, this was the only part of you I had-even though you never had a chance to accept it. To me-" Kaidan turned back to her, his brandy eyes now warm and vibrant, blazing with deep emotion. "It felt like you had. Like it was an unspoken promise between us. So I wore it, every day, on this chain so it would stay close to my heart. So I wouldn't forget." He looked down again, his voice soft and rumbling. "So it wouldn't feel as much like you had left me forever."

Kimbri stepped forward, placing a hand on his face, stroking lightly over the familiar scars of his lips and chin that she loved so dearly. Shepard brushed his soft, full lips with hers, tasting the tears upon them that she hadn't realized that he had shed. Kimbri rested her forehead against his, her eyes resting upon the chain and ring in his hand. Then she remembered. _The date vid._ She straightened in surprise, looking at him with wide eyes. "Kaidan?" He looked up in response. "You were wearing a gold chain in that vid of you at _The Dark Star. _Were you still wearing this," she ran her fingers over the small glistening gems set into the white-gold band, "that night? Why would you wear this on a date?" she asked gently.

Kaidan ran his fingers roughly through his hair. He crossed to the bed and sat upon its edge, leading her to follow. "The date wasn't my idea. I didn't really want to go and I wasn't ready. Hell, I don't know if I ever would have been ready. I might have moved on with my life at some point, but I don't think I ever would have gotten over you."

"Yes."

Kaidan mentally shook himself, trying to extract himself from his recollections. His eyes sought hers, a bit confused, "Uh, pardon?"

She climbed onto his lap, wrapping an arm around him and snuggling close. "I realized I hadn't given you an answer yet. Yes. I want nothing more than to marry you, Kaidan."

One corner of his mouth curled into a teasing smile. "Well, perhaps to rid the galaxy of the Reapers."

She leaned in her lips, brushing his as she spoke. "Nope, not even that."


End file.
